A minor victory.........
Today I went to WalMart.......and here is the victory. No panic attack, no meltdown, no WalMart "emergency kit" (bottled water, pills, emergency pills, gum)...nothing.
My victories are small....but the finish line is near.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Hateful for the Holidays
I'm suffering from a case of the "mads". I'm mad at everyone and everything. So, in the spirit of Christmas and all that it entails let me just tell you about my last two weeks...in no particular order.
1. Screwed out of vacation days by my boss.
2. My health "benefits" which start in January (after being without any for over a year) will be $380 a month....practically my whole check. I'm beginning to question the ethics of my current employer. I feel like I always have to be on my game to make sure he's not doing it for his benefit rather than mine.
3. I don't even know if I like the insurance business.....I mean do I really care if a persons log splitter was stolen from their front yard and if homeowners covers that?? And the difference between hardy board plank and just plain wood. Who gives a rip?? And the fact that I spend most of my day, that I should be selling and earning a commission, calling people who are perpetually late on their insurance. My favorite excuse was on Friday.....the man's response was ...it's Christmas, we aren't going to pay this month. Now I've never been given the impression from my auto insurance company that I had the option to "not pay".
4. Last week I had a long time "friend" who I've listened to every detail of her life with her boyfriend and how miserable she is...tell me that she think I make up my panic/anxiety disorder to get attention. And that if I were to just grow up...move out and get my own life...I would be normal. Try moving out and being normal when you have to pay $600 out of pocket for medications each month. And if I were going to pick something to "USE TO GET ATTENTION" it sure wouldn't be panic or anxiety. To be honest these comments from her really devastated me. Another friend keeps putting distance between us...which gives me a complex.
5. I found a fabulous online support group for anxiety/panic/depression/ocd/ptsd disorders....I made some great friends and even thought I had found a potential "man". Yeah...no. It seems that I'm "too outspoken and positive with my disorder" and practically everything I said "triggered this one person's anxiety" so she took it upon herself to private message me and tell me that my comments bothered her and that maybe I should consider private messaging people or talking to my doctor. First of all, nothing I said was offensive at all. If anything I was trying to get some of the people in the group to look on the "sunny side of life" and to stop being so negative. Yes, I do realize I'm being all kinds of negative in the blog. Leave me alone. I didn't talk to them like I do you. I gave them the watered down MurphyGirl. So this lady and I bickered back and forth via private messaging when I realized I had joined this group for support and within the past 2 months the same woman had verbally attacked me over things she "felt"-- well how about how I "felt". So even though the group meant alot to me and I made some great friend....I exited it this week. Also the potential "man"....a player. With an assortment of phobias and disorders. I really miss the support group....but how can I be a member of a group that criticizes everything I say. The good news is that I friended alot of them on FB so I can still talk to the "true friends" and one girl and I with similar problems text everyday. It's like we've known each other for ever.
6. Just a month ago I was telling my psychiatrist that things were going great in my life. I was in a good place...feeling good and happy. Now, not so much. I'm miserable....the holidays have always been hard for me. Christmas 2009....I sat in the middle of the worst panic attack of my life as my family opened presents....and I pretended like nothing was happening. I literally thought I was dying. The two things I want most for Christmas I can't have.....they can't be bought. And oddly enough...unlike all the people in the support group...I wouldn't choose to be rid of my "disorder" (cue the eerie music). I want to love and be loved and have a child. But those things will never happen for me. So I'm the scrooge this Christmas....I'm not sending Christmas cards...just not into any of it at all.
7. I hate...well, I can't say that....but I greatly detest my sibling. His choices in life have made my life utterly miserable and have caused a lot of the struggles that I deal with each day. So when my stressful day of work is over.....I don't come home to a relaxing household.....I come home to him and is a-z encyclopedia of issues.
8. I have never felt as alone as I do right now....I feel like I've lost alot of friends. So my depression is growing. And this is not a call for help or anything stupid like that. I'm just in a mood.
Well, that's it.
Sincerely
The Grinch from Black Mountain
1. Screwed out of vacation days by my boss.
2. My health "benefits" which start in January (after being without any for over a year) will be $380 a month....practically my whole check. I'm beginning to question the ethics of my current employer. I feel like I always have to be on my game to make sure he's not doing it for his benefit rather than mine.
3. I don't even know if I like the insurance business.....I mean do I really care if a persons log splitter was stolen from their front yard and if homeowners covers that?? And the difference between hardy board plank and just plain wood. Who gives a rip?? And the fact that I spend most of my day, that I should be selling and earning a commission, calling people who are perpetually late on their insurance. My favorite excuse was on Friday.....the man's response was ...it's Christmas, we aren't going to pay this month. Now I've never been given the impression from my auto insurance company that I had the option to "not pay".
4. Last week I had a long time "friend" who I've listened to every detail of her life with her boyfriend and how miserable she is...tell me that she think I make up my panic/anxiety disorder to get attention. And that if I were to just grow up...move out and get my own life...I would be normal. Try moving out and being normal when you have to pay $600 out of pocket for medications each month. And if I were going to pick something to "USE TO GET ATTENTION" it sure wouldn't be panic or anxiety. To be honest these comments from her really devastated me. Another friend keeps putting distance between us...which gives me a complex.
5. I found a fabulous online support group for anxiety/panic/depression/ocd/ptsd disorders....I made some great friends and even thought I had found a potential "man". Yeah...no. It seems that I'm "too outspoken and positive with my disorder" and practically everything I said "triggered this one person's anxiety" so she took it upon herself to private message me and tell me that my comments bothered her and that maybe I should consider private messaging people or talking to my doctor. First of all, nothing I said was offensive at all. If anything I was trying to get some of the people in the group to look on the "sunny side of life" and to stop being so negative. Yes, I do realize I'm being all kinds of negative in the blog. Leave me alone. I didn't talk to them like I do you. I gave them the watered down MurphyGirl. So this lady and I bickered back and forth via private messaging when I realized I had joined this group for support and within the past 2 months the same woman had verbally attacked me over things she "felt"-- well how about how I "felt". So even though the group meant alot to me and I made some great friend....I exited it this week. Also the potential "man"....a player. With an assortment of phobias and disorders. I really miss the support group....but how can I be a member of a group that criticizes everything I say. The good news is that I friended alot of them on FB so I can still talk to the "true friends" and one girl and I with similar problems text everyday. It's like we've known each other for ever.
6. Just a month ago I was telling my psychiatrist that things were going great in my life. I was in a good place...feeling good and happy. Now, not so much. I'm miserable....the holidays have always been hard for me. Christmas 2009....I sat in the middle of the worst panic attack of my life as my family opened presents....and I pretended like nothing was happening. I literally thought I was dying. The two things I want most for Christmas I can't have.....they can't be bought. And oddly enough...unlike all the people in the support group...I wouldn't choose to be rid of my "disorder" (cue the eerie music). I want to love and be loved and have a child. But those things will never happen for me. So I'm the scrooge this Christmas....I'm not sending Christmas cards...just not into any of it at all.
7. I hate...well, I can't say that....but I greatly detest my sibling. His choices in life have made my life utterly miserable and have caused a lot of the struggles that I deal with each day. So when my stressful day of work is over.....I don't come home to a relaxing household.....I come home to him and is a-z encyclopedia of issues.
8. I have never felt as alone as I do right now....I feel like I've lost alot of friends. So my depression is growing. And this is not a call for help or anything stupid like that. I'm just in a mood.
Well, that's it.
Sincerely
The Grinch from Black Mountain
Monday, December 3, 2012
I've been high-jacked....
So today I couldn't find my blog....yep that's right, I lost my own personal blog. In my small, sad defense....I haven't been on here a while. But while I was searching the zillions of possibilities I stumbled upon another MurphyGirl living a fabulous life in NY. Her blog is interactive, has pictures, video, music etc. She stole my name and my fabulous life. It's like identity theft in blog-world. How can the MurphyGirl of BM, North Carolina (just in case I have an online stalker, I like to limit the possibilities) compete with fabulous NY MurphyGirl talking about flirting with single men over mojitos. And her corporate job in the "pretty building"...her words, not mine.....I'm ticked. Plus she's ruined my blog entry for tonight. I've already been name-jacked.....my online business that no one buys anything from.......yep, someone stole that name too. How can I be original when I'm now in competition.
Sunday, October 21, 2012
MurphyGirl....Motivational Speaker??
So I just got a call....well, not just. A couple of hours ago...I've had to process it for a while. I'm shocked. I received a call from an organization in Asheville that deals with college age adults who are dealing with "mental illness" and bullying. I'm sure at this point you are wondering why they were calling me.....I sure was. Well, the person in charge has asked me to come speak to his group. After that invitation you could have probably heard crickets chirp...I was dead silent. Couple of things: I don't "speak" in public and where on earth did this person find me because it's not like I announce to the world that I'm well....me. But apparently I have some followers who are in the group who recommended me. Yep....when you air your hang-ups on Facebook the whole world does know.
So what to do....what to do. No money is involved....with a little cash on the table I could probably throw my crazy out there for the whole world to see. But then I thought about my goal for this year: Living A Life Without Fear. And that means stepping out of my comfort zone. So I said "yes".
Yes....Yes....Yes.....what was I thinking. I shouldn't be anyone's inspiration...I'm a hot mess. And what am I going to say. So I've been thinking about it. I've wrote down a few things. So I'm going to try it on those who know me best....my friends. Here goes....my tentative speech.
(envision throat clearing...and sweat beading on my forehead)
I thought I would start with introducing myself and my diagnosis.....while leaving out all references to poop. How long I've dealt with my disorder and how I deal with it. I'm boring myself.
Ok...time to get serious.
I've been diagnosed with Anxiety/Panic Disorder and Depression for 4 years. I have it...it doesn't have me. Once I accepted this truth...I've never looked back. Don't get me wrong...some days are easier than others......nights are worse than days.....and some days I don't think I'll make it. But I always do. I made the decision this year that I wasn't going to let my "mental illness" stop me from doing anything. I have a bucket list that I'm crossing items off of...some are silly and some are hard. When I was first diagnosed I found myself questioning my beliefs and my God....I couldn't imagine why He did this to me. I blamed Him. I felt my faith slipping away. I couldn't imagine what I could have possibly done to deserve this punishment....I had always been so good. Oddly enough one of my biggest sources of panic/anxiety is going to church...alone. I started seeing a Christian counselor and she helped me see that I wasn't being punished. And I made peace with God. I used to say that when I got to Heaven I was going to ask Him....why??? But now when i sit at His feet...I'm going to thank Him for giving me this disorder.
I know....how could I possibly thank Him for something that causes me such pain and heartache. It's simple really.....He created me this way for a reason. I can either accept it and live life the best way I can or I can be miserable...and what good is that going to do. So that's what I'm doing...I'm thanking God for creating me this way. He's taught me strength....you can't handle some of the stuff I deal with without strength. I overthink alot of situations....I push people away because I convince myself I've done something to hurt them or upset them. I'm self-conscious....I worry alot. I have no self-esteem. But I also push myself alot. I push myself to go outside my comfort zones. So far this year....I embarked on a new career: got licensed to sell insurance, I'm currently taking a tax preparation course and at the beginning of next year I'm going to real estate school. My "mental illness" isn't going to stop me from living a full life. It has it's challenges. Like my aversion to puking, and Walmart. Fluorescent lights and bright shiny floors aren't friends to an anxiety sufferer...neither are oddly patterned carpets....brings on an attack everytime. I worry about being alone for the rest of my life. It will probably take a special man to love me....or even like me. I'm a fretter, a worrier. I jump to the biggest and worst possible conclusion ever. But this is me...this is who I was born to be....and I was bullied in school for being overweight. Yeah, I have curves....alot of curves....but I prefer to think that I have curves to protect my big heart....a heart that loves animals and babies. A heart that goes out to others who suffer from mental illness......
Some of the most brilliant minds are the most fragile.
So....that's it....I'll probably add a little more but what do you think friends....family....countrymen??? Do you think I'll help these people?? Or cause them more stress??
So what to do....what to do. No money is involved....with a little cash on the table I could probably throw my crazy out there for the whole world to see. But then I thought about my goal for this year: Living A Life Without Fear. And that means stepping out of my comfort zone. So I said "yes".
Yes....Yes....Yes.....what was I thinking. I shouldn't be anyone's inspiration...I'm a hot mess. And what am I going to say. So I've been thinking about it. I've wrote down a few things. So I'm going to try it on those who know me best....my friends. Here goes....my tentative speech.
(envision throat clearing...and sweat beading on my forehead)
I thought I would start with introducing myself and my diagnosis.....while leaving out all references to poop. How long I've dealt with my disorder and how I deal with it. I'm boring myself.
Ok...time to get serious.
I've been diagnosed with Anxiety/Panic Disorder and Depression for 4 years. I have it...it doesn't have me. Once I accepted this truth...I've never looked back. Don't get me wrong...some days are easier than others......nights are worse than days.....and some days I don't think I'll make it. But I always do. I made the decision this year that I wasn't going to let my "mental illness" stop me from doing anything. I have a bucket list that I'm crossing items off of...some are silly and some are hard. When I was first diagnosed I found myself questioning my beliefs and my God....I couldn't imagine why He did this to me. I blamed Him. I felt my faith slipping away. I couldn't imagine what I could have possibly done to deserve this punishment....I had always been so good. Oddly enough one of my biggest sources of panic/anxiety is going to church...alone. I started seeing a Christian counselor and she helped me see that I wasn't being punished. And I made peace with God. I used to say that when I got to Heaven I was going to ask Him....why??? But now when i sit at His feet...I'm going to thank Him for giving me this disorder.
I know....how could I possibly thank Him for something that causes me such pain and heartache. It's simple really.....He created me this way for a reason. I can either accept it and live life the best way I can or I can be miserable...and what good is that going to do. So that's what I'm doing...I'm thanking God for creating me this way. He's taught me strength....you can't handle some of the stuff I deal with without strength. I overthink alot of situations....I push people away because I convince myself I've done something to hurt them or upset them. I'm self-conscious....I worry alot. I have no self-esteem. But I also push myself alot. I push myself to go outside my comfort zones. So far this year....I embarked on a new career: got licensed to sell insurance, I'm currently taking a tax preparation course and at the beginning of next year I'm going to real estate school. My "mental illness" isn't going to stop me from living a full life. It has it's challenges. Like my aversion to puking, and Walmart. Fluorescent lights and bright shiny floors aren't friends to an anxiety sufferer...neither are oddly patterned carpets....brings on an attack everytime. I worry about being alone for the rest of my life. It will probably take a special man to love me....or even like me. I'm a fretter, a worrier. I jump to the biggest and worst possible conclusion ever. But this is me...this is who I was born to be....and I was bullied in school for being overweight. Yeah, I have curves....alot of curves....but I prefer to think that I have curves to protect my big heart....a heart that loves animals and babies. A heart that goes out to others who suffer from mental illness......
Some of the most brilliant minds are the most fragile.
So....that's it....I'll probably add a little more but what do you think friends....family....countrymen??? Do you think I'll help these people?? Or cause them more stress??
Friday, October 12, 2012
Tears
"Looking back I see that I was always afraid of something: of the dark, of displeasing people, of failure. Anything I accomplished had to be done across a barrier of fear."--Eleanor Roosevelt
Did you know that studies show that if you are someone who experiences more than the average amount of anxiety, you are full of potential for greatness. Anxious people have above average intelligence. They are highly creative with a fabulous imagination. They are detail-oriented and analytical. These are wonderful traits that can make you extremely successful and enable you to accomplish great things. But anxious people tend to use their attributes to scare themselves. They overanalyze and use their creativity to envision the worst possible traits.
What would I do differently if I weren't afraid to fail or to succeed? What if I weren't afraid to take chances or to even embarrass myself a little? Would I be married with 2.5 adorable kids- married to the perfect husband living in a gray house with a red door?? Would I be CEO of a fortune 500 company?? Would I be mayor?
Will I ever know these things?? Or will I just be the girl that every man uses but no man wants? The girl that curls up in corners and sobs?? The girl that scratches holes in her skin? The girl that forgets which medicine to take? The girl who loses things? The girl that cares far too much for people in her life in regards to what she gets back in return?? The fragile girl? The fat girl? The snooty girl?
There are days when I thank God for giving me the "gift of anxiety" because it has made me stronger, tougher, braver......but on the other hand.....some days I blame Him. In the midst of an attack....I find myself thinking "what did I ever do to deserve this....and why did You do this to me. I'm a good person. I love animals. I would give people the clothes off my back and all the money I had if they needed it. Why was I chosen to fight panic and anxiety??? Why??". After the attack when I'm so exhausted I can't even move....because it feels like you've fought a small battle at Gettysburg after an attack. Your muscles hurt...you've cried every tear you can cry...you've made a scene like Lindsay Lohan in Hollywood.....at this moment you realize that you are strong enough to fight the battle. When I meet Him in Heaven one day He will tell me why I was chosen.....chosen to take on anxiety and panic head-first. Chosen to prove to those people around me that I have a major disorder that some people are ashamed of but I prefer to tell EVERYONE....and laugh about it. Chosen to keep on going when it just seems to get harder. I was chosen to be this way.....and this way I will be.
Did you know that studies show that if you are someone who experiences more than the average amount of anxiety, you are full of potential for greatness. Anxious people have above average intelligence. They are highly creative with a fabulous imagination. They are detail-oriented and analytical. These are wonderful traits that can make you extremely successful and enable you to accomplish great things. But anxious people tend to use their attributes to scare themselves. They overanalyze and use their creativity to envision the worst possible traits.
What would I do differently if I weren't afraid to fail or to succeed? What if I weren't afraid to take chances or to even embarrass myself a little? Would I be married with 2.5 adorable kids- married to the perfect husband living in a gray house with a red door?? Would I be CEO of a fortune 500 company?? Would I be mayor?
Will I ever know these things?? Or will I just be the girl that every man uses but no man wants? The girl that curls up in corners and sobs?? The girl that scratches holes in her skin? The girl that forgets which medicine to take? The girl who loses things? The girl that cares far too much for people in her life in regards to what she gets back in return?? The fragile girl? The fat girl? The snooty girl?
There are days when I thank God for giving me the "gift of anxiety" because it has made me stronger, tougher, braver......but on the other hand.....some days I blame Him. In the midst of an attack....I find myself thinking "what did I ever do to deserve this....and why did You do this to me. I'm a good person. I love animals. I would give people the clothes off my back and all the money I had if they needed it. Why was I chosen to fight panic and anxiety??? Why??". After the attack when I'm so exhausted I can't even move....because it feels like you've fought a small battle at Gettysburg after an attack. Your muscles hurt...you've cried every tear you can cry...you've made a scene like Lindsay Lohan in Hollywood.....at this moment you realize that you are strong enough to fight the battle. When I meet Him in Heaven one day He will tell me why I was chosen.....chosen to take on anxiety and panic head-first. Chosen to prove to those people around me that I have a major disorder that some people are ashamed of but I prefer to tell EVERYONE....and laugh about it. Chosen to keep on going when it just seems to get harder. I was chosen to be this way.....and this way I will be.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
The Meltdown
Well, it's happened. My first panic attack....a panic attack to beat all others....at my new job.
And I was all alone...with customers. It's been so long since I've had an attack of this magnitude. This attack was like one of my "before I was diagnosed" attacks.
I will admit....I should have seen this coming. We've had turnover at my new job. I'm the "seasoned" employee. I'm working 2 part time jobs and taking a night class (3 nights a week). I haven't been sleeping well. And some upsetting things are happening in my life right now. Should have seen it coming. But it's like stopping on the train tracks to tie your shoe and looking up to see a train barrelling toward you. By the time it hits.....it is too late.
Today I was helping a couple, when my right hand (the hand I write with) went completely numb....couldn't move my fingers...couldn't type. I stayed calm and started typing with my left hand. Then my face started going numb on the left side....my mouth dried out completely....I was sweating buckets. My hair was literally dripping wet. All 3 phone lines were ringing...people were in the lobby. And unlike my previous job, I was all alone. There was no one there to step in for me...to handle the customer while I tried to get the situation under control. My breathing became very labored. Now for the record...the customers were so consumed with their own issues that I don't think they even noticed I was struggling. I started seeing "floaters" out of my eyes. I couldn't move from my chair....my medicine was in another room....but I was terrified to stand up.
How do you explain to customers that you are fighting the urge to tear at your skin...to scratch yourself till you bleed. To cause yourself pain to ease the emotional roller coaster going on inside you. It felt like millions of bees were stinging my skin. My mind was going blank. My stomach was cramping....my toes were cramping. I was trying not to fight "it"--"it" being the panic attack because the more you fight it...the worse it can get. I really didn't think it could get worse. I should have seen this coming. I should have been prepared. I've been having a lot of stress lately and I've ignored the warning signs that full meltdown was imminent. I started getting dizzy. It sounded like all the noises around me were getting fainter.
I don't know how I made it through that customer....I don't even remember what I said or what they did. After they left I managed to get to my medicine, which I had to open the bottle with my teeth because my hands were completely numb by that point.......and I helped the next customer.
All without them knowing....that inside I was on an emotional roller coaster. You never really know what anxiety is until you experience it....you look and act perfectly normal in most cases. Now tonight I'm exhausted...every muscle in my body hurts.
Anxiety is scary. It makes you feel very lonely. It makes you wish you couldn't feel. Panic feels like it lasts for hours...but really it's only seconds or minutes.
I made it through today.....without my paper bag to keep from hyperventilating, without scratching my skin to pieces and without tears. I guess that's progress. But why do I feel like I'm regressing. I've been disappointed a lot lately. Saddened by others.
And I was all alone...with customers. It's been so long since I've had an attack of this magnitude. This attack was like one of my "before I was diagnosed" attacks.
I will admit....I should have seen this coming. We've had turnover at my new job. I'm the "seasoned" employee. I'm working 2 part time jobs and taking a night class (3 nights a week). I haven't been sleeping well. And some upsetting things are happening in my life right now. Should have seen it coming. But it's like stopping on the train tracks to tie your shoe and looking up to see a train barrelling toward you. By the time it hits.....it is too late.
Today I was helping a couple, when my right hand (the hand I write with) went completely numb....couldn't move my fingers...couldn't type. I stayed calm and started typing with my left hand. Then my face started going numb on the left side....my mouth dried out completely....I was sweating buckets. My hair was literally dripping wet. All 3 phone lines were ringing...people were in the lobby. And unlike my previous job, I was all alone. There was no one there to step in for me...to handle the customer while I tried to get the situation under control. My breathing became very labored. Now for the record...the customers were so consumed with their own issues that I don't think they even noticed I was struggling. I started seeing "floaters" out of my eyes. I couldn't move from my chair....my medicine was in another room....but I was terrified to stand up.
How do you explain to customers that you are fighting the urge to tear at your skin...to scratch yourself till you bleed. To cause yourself pain to ease the emotional roller coaster going on inside you. It felt like millions of bees were stinging my skin. My mind was going blank. My stomach was cramping....my toes were cramping. I was trying not to fight "it"--"it" being the panic attack because the more you fight it...the worse it can get. I really didn't think it could get worse. I should have seen this coming. I should have been prepared. I've been having a lot of stress lately and I've ignored the warning signs that full meltdown was imminent. I started getting dizzy. It sounded like all the noises around me were getting fainter.
I don't know how I made it through that customer....I don't even remember what I said or what they did. After they left I managed to get to my medicine, which I had to open the bottle with my teeth because my hands were completely numb by that point.......and I helped the next customer.
All without them knowing....that inside I was on an emotional roller coaster. You never really know what anxiety is until you experience it....you look and act perfectly normal in most cases. Now tonight I'm exhausted...every muscle in my body hurts.
Anxiety is scary. It makes you feel very lonely. It makes you wish you couldn't feel. Panic feels like it lasts for hours...but really it's only seconds or minutes.
I made it through today.....without my paper bag to keep from hyperventilating, without scratching my skin to pieces and without tears. I guess that's progress. But why do I feel like I'm regressing. I've been disappointed a lot lately. Saddened by others.
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
The Rant
I have so much to say tonight. I want to rant and rave. I want to pitch a big ol' hissy fit.
But I'm tired. I don't want to type. And I don't want to use what little energy I have to gripe on here about people that have really been working my last nerve....because after all this blog is about me..and my problems...not the myriad of problems I have to listen to all day from my friends. I'm tired of being supportive...I'm tired of being the one to send "just thinking of you" cards (when is someone going to send me a flipping card)...I'm tired of remembering the birthdays, anniversaries and children's names. I'm tired of being thoughtful and compassionate. Where does it get you. Nowhere...but bitter.
I've held some of this in for months because I didn't want to hurt other people...but you know what...this is my blog and I'm going to say what I want so get ready.
It should have been me up there...I'm less weird. It should have been me.
I'm tired of listening to how bad your husband is and how miserable he makes you..leave his butt and stop talking about it. I hate how you talk over top of me and only talk about your problems. You always call me at the most inconvenient time and then continuously call if I don't answer. I hate how you have changed for him. And he doesn't even care. I hate how you changed completely and you haven't even noticed. It should have been me. I hate that I go out of my way to be there for everybody but no one does that for me. It should have been me. You are trashy and I'm classy but you are never alone (ok...so this rant isn't my classiest moment but I need to get it off my chest). I hate that my family is a freaking mess. I hate that I harbor ill feelings towards my own brother. I hate that we were born into dysfunction. I regret the things I haven't done. I feel like I've wasted so much precious time. I want more. It should have been me. I care too much. I love to hard. Life isn't fair. When I'm in a bad way and need someone none of you ever answer. And you....you couldn't get enough of me. I was all you needed and now...I'm an afterthought. And you....we were best friends for 10 years...and you lied and betrayed me time after time and now...I'm an afterthought. And you...I adored your kids..sent them gifts and you never thanked me...you never acknowledged them.
I'm just tired of being the one that is always there. Just once I want to say..remember me. Remember me...the crazy one. Think about how I may feel. Think about what you say before you say it. And you..sometimes I just want to talk to you....talk about me that is...not about you. Like it used to be before. When I was fresh and new. It should have been me.
But it wasn't and now I'm good. I'm done. It's off my chest and it's over. This rant was a conglomerate of about 30 different people so don't think it was you or you.....or maybe it was. You'll never know. I'm good. I'm less tired. I'm free.
It should have been me.
But I'm tired. I don't want to type. And I don't want to use what little energy I have to gripe on here about people that have really been working my last nerve....because after all this blog is about me..and my problems...not the myriad of problems I have to listen to all day from my friends. I'm tired of being supportive...I'm tired of being the one to send "just thinking of you" cards (when is someone going to send me a flipping card)...I'm tired of remembering the birthdays, anniversaries and children's names. I'm tired of being thoughtful and compassionate. Where does it get you. Nowhere...but bitter.
I've held some of this in for months because I didn't want to hurt other people...but you know what...this is my blog and I'm going to say what I want so get ready.
It should have been me up there...I'm less weird. It should have been me.
I'm tired of listening to how bad your husband is and how miserable he makes you..leave his butt and stop talking about it. I hate how you talk over top of me and only talk about your problems. You always call me at the most inconvenient time and then continuously call if I don't answer. I hate how you have changed for him. And he doesn't even care. I hate how you changed completely and you haven't even noticed. It should have been me. I hate that I go out of my way to be there for everybody but no one does that for me. It should have been me. You are trashy and I'm classy but you are never alone (ok...so this rant isn't my classiest moment but I need to get it off my chest). I hate that my family is a freaking mess. I hate that I harbor ill feelings towards my own brother. I hate that we were born into dysfunction. I regret the things I haven't done. I feel like I've wasted so much precious time. I want more. It should have been me. I care too much. I love to hard. Life isn't fair. When I'm in a bad way and need someone none of you ever answer. And you....you couldn't get enough of me. I was all you needed and now...I'm an afterthought. And you....we were best friends for 10 years...and you lied and betrayed me time after time and now...I'm an afterthought. And you...I adored your kids..sent them gifts and you never thanked me...you never acknowledged them.
I'm just tired of being the one that is always there. Just once I want to say..remember me. Remember me...the crazy one. Think about how I may feel. Think about what you say before you say it. And you..sometimes I just want to talk to you....talk about me that is...not about you. Like it used to be before. When I was fresh and new. It should have been me.
But it wasn't and now I'm good. I'm done. It's off my chest and it's over. This rant was a conglomerate of about 30 different people so don't think it was you or you.....or maybe it was. You'll never know. I'm good. I'm less tired. I'm free.
It should have been me.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Dating Advice
I swore I would never attend another "speed dating" event EVER....you know since the last time my two top picks were my cousin and the guy from high school "who had always thought I was really pretty if only I hadn't been such a snot". But apparently there's a new Speed Dating Organization in town...Susan Reinhardt did an article about it on Sunday....if Susan gives it her approval....I probably should try it. She included some "Tips" from the organizers....of what you shouldn't do since you only have 7 minutes with each potential serial killer. #1...don't talk about pets (could be a deal breaker for non-animal lovers)....Could be a deal breaker for me...I love my dog more than I like most people. #2...don't talk about religion. #3...don't talk about politics. #4..stay away from your job if it involves selling (there goes my sales pitch for State Farm). The one they emphasized TO talk about is what you do for fun.
So I told my dear old best friend that I was going to do this one last time. I showed her the article with the times...they conveniently break it up into 3 age groups. She thinks I should hit all 3 to "up my chances". She decided we should have a practice run of what I should say...it went a little something like this.....
Her (being Mr. Right): So, what do you do for fun?
Me (probably wishing I was having a rectal exam with a pitchfork): I like to read true crime/mystery books, do crossword puzzles and watch TruTv.
Her (being my best friend).....YOU CANT SAY THAT....you sound psychotic.
Me: Well, I can't say I like to run marathons and work out....I think they'll pick up on it.
Her (clearly having lost her mind): Well, let's just work on some new hobbies for you
Me: I'm not going to make up stuff to find a man....cause then what am I going to do when he wants me to go to whatever crazy thing you want me to say.
Her: We are just going to make you seem a little less boring.
Me: Gee, thanks.
Her: (Take 2): So, what do you do for fun?
Me: I like Nascar and the WWE and crossword puzzles and buttons.
Her: Better....but a little too redneck. What if there are businessmen there?
Me: I like Nascar, the WWE, crossword puzzles and the Wall Street Journal.
Her: Don't be a smart aleck.
Me: I shouldn't have to make up hobbies. If "he's" the one...in that 7 minutes that I'm sure I'll make a glowing first impression in....he won't care that i'm a little bit redneck and a little bit girly with a side of the macabre.
She: (Enormous eye rolling and a loud sigh)
At this point she turned to me and said ....."above all else Angie....just remember these few things"
1. Don't talk about your poop. Not the shape, color, size or consistency. Don't mention anything about your bathroom issues. (For the record....I wouldn't have)
2. Think before you speak...I mean really think about what you say. Do you hear me....think!!
(OK)
3. Do NOT mention anything about SNAPPED, TRUtv or 48 Hours Mystery.
4. Leave all anti-bacterial swabs, towelettes, bottles, sprays and lotions in the car. (I don't have towelettes-and cleanliness is a VIRTUE).
5. Be yourself but jazz it up a little. (Jazz it up a little.......)
Well......now that I've had that pep talk I'm ready to hit the ground running.
Nothing like a best friend to tell the truth and NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH.
So I told my dear old best friend that I was going to do this one last time. I showed her the article with the times...they conveniently break it up into 3 age groups. She thinks I should hit all 3 to "up my chances". She decided we should have a practice run of what I should say...it went a little something like this.....
Her (being Mr. Right): So, what do you do for fun?
Me (probably wishing I was having a rectal exam with a pitchfork): I like to read true crime/mystery books, do crossword puzzles and watch TruTv.
Her (being my best friend).....YOU CANT SAY THAT....you sound psychotic.
Me: Well, I can't say I like to run marathons and work out....I think they'll pick up on it.
Her (clearly having lost her mind): Well, let's just work on some new hobbies for you
Me: I'm not going to make up stuff to find a man....cause then what am I going to do when he wants me to go to whatever crazy thing you want me to say.
Her: We are just going to make you seem a little less boring.
Me: Gee, thanks.
Her: (Take 2): So, what do you do for fun?
Me: I like Nascar and the WWE and crossword puzzles and buttons.
Her: Better....but a little too redneck. What if there are businessmen there?
Me: I like Nascar, the WWE, crossword puzzles and the Wall Street Journal.
Her: Don't be a smart aleck.
Me: I shouldn't have to make up hobbies. If "he's" the one...in that 7 minutes that I'm sure I'll make a glowing first impression in....he won't care that i'm a little bit redneck and a little bit girly with a side of the macabre.
She: (Enormous eye rolling and a loud sigh)
At this point she turned to me and said ....."above all else Angie....just remember these few things"
1. Don't talk about your poop. Not the shape, color, size or consistency. Don't mention anything about your bathroom issues. (For the record....I wouldn't have)
2. Think before you speak...I mean really think about what you say. Do you hear me....think!!
(OK)
3. Do NOT mention anything about SNAPPED, TRUtv or 48 Hours Mystery.
4. Leave all anti-bacterial swabs, towelettes, bottles, sprays and lotions in the car. (I don't have towelettes-and cleanliness is a VIRTUE).
5. Be yourself but jazz it up a little. (Jazz it up a little.......)
Well......now that I've had that pep talk I'm ready to hit the ground running.
Nothing like a best friend to tell the truth and NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
September Smiles........
DISCLAIMER.....remember I tell the truth, the whole truth and the blunt truth. I am not knocking my former employer...I'm still a loyal patron of the institution and still refer customers to them. What I have to say is about me not THEM.
Ok, now that that is out of the way.
Usually spring is a time of new beginnings but for me....it seems like September is. 4 years ago today I went to my first psychiatrist appointment for my anxiety disorder and was put out on a 3 month leave of absence. But I've talked enough about my cheese sliding off my cracker. I want to talk about what happened 1 year ago today.
1 year ago today I was at work at an unnamed place of business staring out the window at....well, another unnamed business... when it occurred to me that I couldn't do THIS anymore. By THIS I mean the job. It physically made me sick. I dreaded the whole 7.75 hours I was there. I had been beat down by management, been given broken promises, taken the blame for things that others did.....but I was the top performer, the best sales person, the "glue" that held it all together. And I'm not bragging...it was the truth. My parents have given me alot of things I could do without...insecurity, anxiety, etc....but they gave me a wonderful work ethic. I had seen them stay at jobs for years so that's what I thought I was supposed to do....unlike my unnamed sibling who has had more jobs than I have had dates (probably not my best or most flattering analogy but gets the point across). I had been at this job since I graduated college....13 years. Well, a year ago....I stood up....walked across the lobby and said the words that literally changed my life......"I quit". Now I would like to say they begged me to stay....but they didn't. And what happened later that day was not pleasant so I'm not getting into that....but I got the best part... freedom. When I left that place...I was so nervous...."what had I done"....I didn't have a job....."how am I going to pay my car payment"...."how am I going to pay for my medicine". I threw my Halloween decorations in my trunk (don't ask) and off my Honda went on a new adventure. The first adventure was a free trip to Hilton Head with my mom....after that week I faced the reality of being unemployed. During my 6 months of early "retirement" I worked at the bookstore and a jewelry store.....sold all of my seasonal decor (I decided I didn't want anything to remind me of my time THERE)....sold all kinds of stuff. I survived. Flash forward to today......I'm a star performer at State Farm....don't laugh it's totally true. I'm a natural at sales. I could sale ice to an Eskimo. I still work at the bookstore and the jewelry store. I have a thriving pet baby-sitting business....thriving is a little strong...but I watch the neighbors half dead 50 lb cat. I deserve a medal of honor for that because I don't like any animal that poops in the house. I'm starting H&R Block's tax preparation school in 2 weeks to be an authorized tax preparer....to better learn how to do my own taxes and then hopefully I can do taxes at night at H&R Block. And did I mention I'm thinking of real estate school??? And don't forget "Cute As A Button"...my online store of crafty cuteness. And I'm the Treasurer/Collections Officer of the neighborhood POA. I'm seeing what is out there.....playing the field, so to speak, on the job front. Making myself more hireable by being more knowledgeable.
I say all this today because a friend of mine followed in my footsteps and took a giant leap of faith...and quit her job of many, many years. And she is definitely the "glue" that holds it all together. But she's doing it for herself and that's what matters. I know she's scared and nervous. She has a family.....I still smooze off the Murphys....I had backup if Lizard Lick Towing showed up at my door to repo my car. She choose happiness over security.....and take it from me, my friend...it's the best way to go. Bravo!!!!
Ok, now that that is out of the way.
Usually spring is a time of new beginnings but for me....it seems like September is. 4 years ago today I went to my first psychiatrist appointment for my anxiety disorder and was put out on a 3 month leave of absence. But I've talked enough about my cheese sliding off my cracker. I want to talk about what happened 1 year ago today.
1 year ago today I was at work at an unnamed place of business staring out the window at....well, another unnamed business... when it occurred to me that I couldn't do THIS anymore. By THIS I mean the job. It physically made me sick. I dreaded the whole 7.75 hours I was there. I had been beat down by management, been given broken promises, taken the blame for things that others did.....but I was the top performer, the best sales person, the "glue" that held it all together. And I'm not bragging...it was the truth. My parents have given me alot of things I could do without...insecurity, anxiety, etc....but they gave me a wonderful work ethic. I had seen them stay at jobs for years so that's what I thought I was supposed to do....unlike my unnamed sibling who has had more jobs than I have had dates (probably not my best or most flattering analogy but gets the point across). I had been at this job since I graduated college....13 years. Well, a year ago....I stood up....walked across the lobby and said the words that literally changed my life......"I quit". Now I would like to say they begged me to stay....but they didn't. And what happened later that day was not pleasant so I'm not getting into that....but I got the best part... freedom. When I left that place...I was so nervous...."what had I done"....I didn't have a job....."how am I going to pay my car payment"...."how am I going to pay for my medicine". I threw my Halloween decorations in my trunk (don't ask) and off my Honda went on a new adventure. The first adventure was a free trip to Hilton Head with my mom....after that week I faced the reality of being unemployed. During my 6 months of early "retirement" I worked at the bookstore and a jewelry store.....sold all of my seasonal decor (I decided I didn't want anything to remind me of my time THERE)....sold all kinds of stuff. I survived. Flash forward to today......I'm a star performer at State Farm....don't laugh it's totally true. I'm a natural at sales. I could sale ice to an Eskimo. I still work at the bookstore and the jewelry store. I have a thriving pet baby-sitting business....thriving is a little strong...but I watch the neighbors half dead 50 lb cat. I deserve a medal of honor for that because I don't like any animal that poops in the house. I'm starting H&R Block's tax preparation school in 2 weeks to be an authorized tax preparer....to better learn how to do my own taxes and then hopefully I can do taxes at night at H&R Block. And did I mention I'm thinking of real estate school??? And don't forget "Cute As A Button"...my online store of crafty cuteness. And I'm the Treasurer/Collections Officer of the neighborhood POA. I'm seeing what is out there.....playing the field, so to speak, on the job front. Making myself more hireable by being more knowledgeable.
I say all this today because a friend of mine followed in my footsteps and took a giant leap of faith...and quit her job of many, many years. And she is definitely the "glue" that holds it all together. But she's doing it for herself and that's what matters. I know she's scared and nervous. She has a family.....I still smooze off the Murphys....I had backup if Lizard Lick Towing showed up at my door to repo my car. She choose happiness over security.....and take it from me, my friend...it's the best way to go. Bravo!!!!
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
I Have a Panic/Anxiety Disorder and I'm Glad???
I have a Panic/Anxiety Disorder.
I think it started mildly in college and just slowly got worse and worse until BAM my cheese slid off my cracker. It was to the point of no turning back. What was my little secret wasn't a secret anymore. I couldn't hide it. I shook constantly...I cried continuously...I had crazy thoughts...I had crazy symptoms. I thought I had tumors, I thought I had worms (don't ask), I thought I had cancer, I thought I had an ulcer, I thought my intestines had been blocked, I thought my throat was swelling shut, I thought I had a heart murmur....I went to the ER like it was my PCP. I went to her too. I was checked out from head to toe and from toe to head. I carried so many bags of poop to the GI doctor...I wanted to be tested for the West Nile virus...never mind I rarely go outside. My vision blurred so I was convinced I was going blind...I couldn't sleep...I couldn't focus....I couldn't tell anyone. Why?? They would totally think I was nuts. I don't know why that bothered me...everything I listed above was weird but I still did it. Driving in my car made my arms tense up...I would grit my teeth....I would hold onto the steering wheel like my life depended on it. I was depressed. To use a fabulous southern phrase....I didn't know whether to "shit or go crazy" but trust me I was doing alot of both.
Then I sought a therapist or two...got some nifty medication and got a grip!!
So yes, I have a panic/anxiety disorder but it doesn't have me. I go to my therapist and vent and cry and scream. I have pity-parties. There are days when I'm a negative Nellie...and there are days when I'm a positive Penny. I don't scratch myself till I bleed anymore....I don't sit outside in the middle of the night thinking that being out in the "wide open" will help me breathe better. I still have the fun symptoms I listed above and some I haven't mentioned but now....I just roll with them. I have Panic/Anxiety Disorder as my trusted and constant companion, as my lens through which to see the world. It is as definitive as my country accent or my birthmark on my shoulder. Sometimes it gets out of control. But it is part of my genetic makeup, which I see as a gift.
I have faith that it happened for a reason...more on that later. I have a circle of friends who know and accept me, a therapist who cares, a relationship with my mother that I never had expected. I've started this blog where I candidly discuss the good, the bad, the ugly and the poop. The old Angie would never have done that. I've stopped asking "why me" or looking for reasons of "what I did wrong"....I'll never know. Yes, it may have a lot to do with my perfectionistic nature and the way I was raised but what can I do now...but go with the flow. Instead of visiting the ER I write in my journal or pet my dog......I have some prescriptions. Hopefully one day I'll just have empty bottles as a reminder of where I was and how far I've come but for now I need the meds.
My "disorder" has made me stronger and REAL. There's nothing "real-er" than talking about poop on FB. Almost a year ago today I walked out on a job that made me physically and emotionally miserable. I took a leap of faith. I left behind insurance...good pay and stability. It was the craziest thing I had ever done. I felt beat down by my employer...I had lost the ability to care...my drive was gone....and their concern for me was gone. The girl that I was would never have "up and quit her job in the middle of the day" but this girl would. This girl told them "see ya"....it was a little more dramatic but let's face it...I'm dramatic. For 6 months I worked 2 part time jobs...cat-sit...and sold all kinds of personal "stuff" to make it. In the meantime I decided I was going to spend this year with no FEAR. I started a bucket list and I've crossed a number of things off. I found a new challenging job. Well, actually it found me. And you know what.....I'm good at it. It upsets me sometimes because I still want to be perfect and I'm making mistakes but they appreciate me and like me. They don't make me feel like nothing I ever do is right. I can stand up to my new boss and say what I want and he respects that. Nobody is putting this girl in the corner again....I've always wanted to say that. I will never be put in a situation where I'm that miserable again. I fight for what I think is right. I speak my mind and say what I think. I have panic attacks at WalMart. I talk about my poop on Facebook. I worry about food poisoning. I "run away" occasionally. But I'm strong. I'm brave. And I'm not going to let a little panic break me.
I'm not ashamed. I'm not embarrassed. It's not the life I would have chosen for myself. I definitely wouldn't wish it on someone else. But I have it. And I'm dealing....one day at a time. Some days are easier than others....some days require a little more medication....some days require a little more prayer.
I think it started mildly in college and just slowly got worse and worse until BAM my cheese slid off my cracker. It was to the point of no turning back. What was my little secret wasn't a secret anymore. I couldn't hide it. I shook constantly...I cried continuously...I had crazy thoughts...I had crazy symptoms. I thought I had tumors, I thought I had worms (don't ask), I thought I had cancer, I thought I had an ulcer, I thought my intestines had been blocked, I thought my throat was swelling shut, I thought I had a heart murmur....I went to the ER like it was my PCP. I went to her too. I was checked out from head to toe and from toe to head. I carried so many bags of poop to the GI doctor...I wanted to be tested for the West Nile virus...never mind I rarely go outside. My vision blurred so I was convinced I was going blind...I couldn't sleep...I couldn't focus....I couldn't tell anyone. Why?? They would totally think I was nuts. I don't know why that bothered me...everything I listed above was weird but I still did it. Driving in my car made my arms tense up...I would grit my teeth....I would hold onto the steering wheel like my life depended on it. I was depressed. To use a fabulous southern phrase....I didn't know whether to "shit or go crazy" but trust me I was doing alot of both.
Then I sought a therapist or two...got some nifty medication and got a grip!!
So yes, I have a panic/anxiety disorder but it doesn't have me. I go to my therapist and vent and cry and scream. I have pity-parties. There are days when I'm a negative Nellie...and there are days when I'm a positive Penny. I don't scratch myself till I bleed anymore....I don't sit outside in the middle of the night thinking that being out in the "wide open" will help me breathe better. I still have the fun symptoms I listed above and some I haven't mentioned but now....I just roll with them. I have Panic/Anxiety Disorder as my trusted and constant companion, as my lens through which to see the world. It is as definitive as my country accent or my birthmark on my shoulder. Sometimes it gets out of control. But it is part of my genetic makeup, which I see as a gift.
I have faith that it happened for a reason...more on that later. I have a circle of friends who know and accept me, a therapist who cares, a relationship with my mother that I never had expected. I've started this blog where I candidly discuss the good, the bad, the ugly and the poop. The old Angie would never have done that. I've stopped asking "why me" or looking for reasons of "what I did wrong"....I'll never know. Yes, it may have a lot to do with my perfectionistic nature and the way I was raised but what can I do now...but go with the flow. Instead of visiting the ER I write in my journal or pet my dog......I have some prescriptions. Hopefully one day I'll just have empty bottles as a reminder of where I was and how far I've come but for now I need the meds.
My "disorder" has made me stronger and REAL. There's nothing "real-er" than talking about poop on FB. Almost a year ago today I walked out on a job that made me physically and emotionally miserable. I took a leap of faith. I left behind insurance...good pay and stability. It was the craziest thing I had ever done. I felt beat down by my employer...I had lost the ability to care...my drive was gone....and their concern for me was gone. The girl that I was would never have "up and quit her job in the middle of the day" but this girl would. This girl told them "see ya"....it was a little more dramatic but let's face it...I'm dramatic. For 6 months I worked 2 part time jobs...cat-sit...and sold all kinds of personal "stuff" to make it. In the meantime I decided I was going to spend this year with no FEAR. I started a bucket list and I've crossed a number of things off. I found a new challenging job. Well, actually it found me. And you know what.....I'm good at it. It upsets me sometimes because I still want to be perfect and I'm making mistakes but they appreciate me and like me. They don't make me feel like nothing I ever do is right. I can stand up to my new boss and say what I want and he respects that. Nobody is putting this girl in the corner again....I've always wanted to say that. I will never be put in a situation where I'm that miserable again. I fight for what I think is right. I speak my mind and say what I think. I have panic attacks at WalMart. I talk about my poop on Facebook. I worry about food poisoning. I "run away" occasionally. But I'm strong. I'm brave. And I'm not going to let a little panic break me.
I'm not ashamed. I'm not embarrassed. It's not the life I would have chosen for myself. I definitely wouldn't wish it on someone else. But I have it. And I'm dealing....one day at a time. Some days are easier than others....some days require a little more medication....some days require a little more prayer.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Banking, Insurance and Dating.....
So yesterday I had my monthly meeting with my psychiatrist....yes, it's true!! I'm officially crazy. I affectionately refer to him as the "crazy doctor". Nice man...really like him. With him I can let "my crazy hang out"...no holding back. So, I'm not going to lie...I've had a rough 6 weeks since my last visit with him. Lots of work stress, personal life stress...worries about no health insurance and the bird flu....worries about how I'll be stuck living with my brother for the rest of my days...worried about worrying....worried about my floating poop....worrying about my dog who was limping...worrying about how watching Hoarders upsets me...worrying about how it bothers me when people mix the play-doh colors. Where was I. Anyway....I lost control with him and ended up being a crying, sobbing, shuddering mess.....and I'm not a pretty crier. You know a crier that just has tears streaming down their face. No, not me. I'm the one that's face turns red and striped...rather zebra like....I'm all snotty and belligerent. It's a good thing I pay him so much to sit and watch me cry. Anyway, I'm kind of torn with this post. Do I be completely honest with something that's bothering me at the risk of hurting one of my friends who could potentially read this or do I just keep it inside like a festering boil....eating away at me.
Fester away boil....I can't do it. But I told him. And I also told him that I'm feeling so frustrated at my new job. I was the top salesperson at the job that I previously held at a financial institution....I didn't like how my career was not progressing so I moved on. Well, now I'm a selling machine. I live to sell. I'm like a barracuda. I could sell an igloo to an Eskimo for twice the going price....I completely have the makings to be a used car salesman but I digress. ...... my issue was an upcoming event that I don't have an escort too. I don't even want to go to the event. It's nothing personal...just another reminder that I'm alone and since I'm not in a "good place" right now...I just felt it was better not to attend...but guilt has grabbed a hold of me...so I'm going. I was telling my doc....let's call him Dr. Who...that I'm tired of being the token "old maid"...and that I couldn't find a man if I advertised on Craigslist...well I probably could but then I would end up on Snapped or Dateline. He's adamant about the online dating scene....I've tried it.....visited Christian Mingle (ummmm....not sure that everyone there is a Christian or if they are there are different interpretations of "mingle")...did eHarmony free weekend and got matched up with a quadriplegic (bless his heart)....tried match.com and ended up with a relative. So no more. His answer now. If I put as much effort into finding a man as I do selling insurance, or selling bank products, or selling jewelry....I'll be married before the year is up. So I guess tomorrow when I pick up the phone to cold call for insurance....I'll throw in a "hi, I'm single...how about you?'.........sigh.
Fester away boil....I can't do it. But I told him. And I also told him that I'm feeling so frustrated at my new job. I was the top salesperson at the job that I previously held at a financial institution....I didn't like how my career was not progressing so I moved on. Well, now I'm a selling machine. I live to sell. I'm like a barracuda. I could sell an igloo to an Eskimo for twice the going price....I completely have the makings to be a used car salesman but I digress. ...... my issue was an upcoming event that I don't have an escort too. I don't even want to go to the event. It's nothing personal...just another reminder that I'm alone and since I'm not in a "good place" right now...I just felt it was better not to attend...but guilt has grabbed a hold of me...so I'm going. I was telling my doc....let's call him Dr. Who...that I'm tired of being the token "old maid"...and that I couldn't find a man if I advertised on Craigslist...well I probably could but then I would end up on Snapped or Dateline. He's adamant about the online dating scene....I've tried it.....visited Christian Mingle (ummmm....not sure that everyone there is a Christian or if they are there are different interpretations of "mingle")...did eHarmony free weekend and got matched up with a quadriplegic (bless his heart)....tried match.com and ended up with a relative. So no more. His answer now. If I put as much effort into finding a man as I do selling insurance, or selling bank products, or selling jewelry....I'll be married before the year is up. So I guess tomorrow when I pick up the phone to cold call for insurance....I'll throw in a "hi, I'm single...how about you?'.........sigh.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Me, Karla Faye Tucker and Best Buy
I created a stir at Best Buy today.....I'd like to say in a good way but as always I'm a disaster waiting to happen. Now before I get to Karla Faye....let me just say that Best Buy gives me a panic attack....it's like a Junior WalMart. Too many bright fluorescent lights and employees running around in man-cut polo shirts asking to help me.....merely walking thru the door brings me to a cold sweat. But I was forced too because I had a little electronics issue....I always have electronic issues.
Things were going fine....fabulous, actually....until the Geek Squad decided to clear my browser history. I was breathing fine...staying calm, cool and collected. Now I know what you all are going to think- that boring, prudish Murph had porn or something of that nature on my browser because what else would make the Geek Squad suddenly call for assistance and look at me as if I were nuts but no.....it was Karla Faye Tucker.
A couple of weeks ago when I was working at the bookstore I saw a DVD about Karla Faye...looked interesting, but I wasn't interested enough to buy it so I did what every red blooded American would do....I googled her. Karla Faye Tucker was the first woman to be executed in the US since 1984 and the first woman in Texas since 1863....she killed several people with a pick axe. She became a Christian and tried to get her sentence changed to life instead of the death penalty....and it was a huge deal...she even married the prison chaplain. Pope John Paul II, Newt Gingrich and televangelist Pat Robertson even tried to help her......(now before people get all riled up I'm neither endorsing or not endorsing the above people....just telling my story). The last words she said while she was getting her lethal injections were "i'll see you all in heaven one day"....
Well, I love a good murder mystery/serial killer drama.....I live for Snapped on Oxygen and 48 Hours Mystery and Nancy Grace. I love reading True Crime novels and mysteries. Lifetime is my friend.
So anyway as most googlers know....once you read about one thing they suggest other topics which led me to Betty Lou Beets. The Black Widow. Oddly enough she was also from Texas....she killed 3 out of 5 of her husbands and also died of lethal injection. And then came Lynda Lyon Block from Alabama...she killed an Opelika police officer and was put to death for it. And did you know that each person that goes to "the chair" gets a last meal request and gets to pick 5 people to view it. Which led me to Rhonda Belle Martin, also from Alabama, who poisoned her 5th husband who was also her former son-in-law. Then came me looking up stats on the electric chair and hangings and the Salem Witch Trials. I admit it's a little strange....but I had some time on my hands. I also bought a pair of shoes that night so my whole evening wasn't filled with serial killers.
But sadly....all this happened right after the tragedy in Colorado....(which I am in no way downplaying or trying to draw attention too)....so when I took my laptop, covered in Vera Bradley adhesive polka dots.....while wearing a big polka-dot bow in my hair...covered from head-to-toe in a monogrammed necklace, ring and purse combo..wearing Converse sneakers with hot pink ribbon laces...the Geek Squad apparently decided I should be on the FBIs most wanted list. Totally not kidding....the manager of the Geek Squad pulled me into the office to discuss my "browsing history"......so after I explained that I wasn't crazy (after going into a full-fledged panic attack in which the manager wanted to call for an ambulance)....well in a mass murder kind of way....just normal crazy....and that I really just got caught up in the world of Google all was right again. So I narrowly escaped being the headline on WLOS....my computer has a cookie issue......I wish I had some cookies....and why does this stuff happen to me.
Clear your browsers people......moral of the story.
Things were going fine....fabulous, actually....until the Geek Squad decided to clear my browser history. I was breathing fine...staying calm, cool and collected. Now I know what you all are going to think- that boring, prudish Murph had porn or something of that nature on my browser because what else would make the Geek Squad suddenly call for assistance and look at me as if I were nuts but no.....it was Karla Faye Tucker.
A couple of weeks ago when I was working at the bookstore I saw a DVD about Karla Faye...looked interesting, but I wasn't interested enough to buy it so I did what every red blooded American would do....I googled her. Karla Faye Tucker was the first woman to be executed in the US since 1984 and the first woman in Texas since 1863....she killed several people with a pick axe. She became a Christian and tried to get her sentence changed to life instead of the death penalty....and it was a huge deal...she even married the prison chaplain. Pope John Paul II, Newt Gingrich and televangelist Pat Robertson even tried to help her......(now before people get all riled up I'm neither endorsing or not endorsing the above people....just telling my story). The last words she said while she was getting her lethal injections were "i'll see you all in heaven one day"....
Well, I love a good murder mystery/serial killer drama.....I live for Snapped on Oxygen and 48 Hours Mystery and Nancy Grace. I love reading True Crime novels and mysteries. Lifetime is my friend.
So anyway as most googlers know....once you read about one thing they suggest other topics which led me to Betty Lou Beets. The Black Widow. Oddly enough she was also from Texas....she killed 3 out of 5 of her husbands and also died of lethal injection. And then came Lynda Lyon Block from Alabama...she killed an Opelika police officer and was put to death for it. And did you know that each person that goes to "the chair" gets a last meal request and gets to pick 5 people to view it. Which led me to Rhonda Belle Martin, also from Alabama, who poisoned her 5th husband who was also her former son-in-law. Then came me looking up stats on the electric chair and hangings and the Salem Witch Trials. I admit it's a little strange....but I had some time on my hands. I also bought a pair of shoes that night so my whole evening wasn't filled with serial killers.
But sadly....all this happened right after the tragedy in Colorado....(which I am in no way downplaying or trying to draw attention too)....so when I took my laptop, covered in Vera Bradley adhesive polka dots.....while wearing a big polka-dot bow in my hair...covered from head-to-toe in a monogrammed necklace, ring and purse combo..wearing Converse sneakers with hot pink ribbon laces...the Geek Squad apparently decided I should be on the FBIs most wanted list. Totally not kidding....the manager of the Geek Squad pulled me into the office to discuss my "browsing history"......so after I explained that I wasn't crazy (after going into a full-fledged panic attack in which the manager wanted to call for an ambulance)....well in a mass murder kind of way....just normal crazy....and that I really just got caught up in the world of Google all was right again. So I narrowly escaped being the headline on WLOS....my computer has a cookie issue......I wish I had some cookies....and why does this stuff happen to me.
Clear your browsers people......moral of the story.
Thursday, July 26, 2012
Groupon Addiction
It's official...I'm "outting" my mother. Ever since she retired she has become addicted to Groupon, Asheville Deals, DealChick and any other online coupon source she can find. At first it was innocent purchases.......a few restaurant gift certificates, something from the office supply store BUT now she's gone to far. Now I'm monitoring her Groupon purchases.....it's either that or we are putting her in a home.
Several months ago I mentioned that I would love to have a hot stone massage.....so for Valentines Day....I got a Groupon for one. She's been after me ever since to make the "appointment before the coupon expires".....by the way, that would be 2 years from now. Anyway, last Friday I decided to make the appointment. I called up the number.....I needed evening or weekend hours. A very calm sounding lady answered the phone and started telling me the process. We decided on this Sunday at 10......then she say (or so I thought) "how far away are you"...so I said 20 minutes. She said...."you are 20 minutes away from giving birth".....ummmmm, no. So I took this opportunity to ask the name of the spa.....Spa Materna....as in maternal, maternity, mother, birth, PREGNANT. She asked when my baby was due....this is when I decided we needed to slow things down a bit. I explained that my mother bought me the Groupon thinking it was for a regular hot stone massage.....by this point I had visited Spa Materna online and found out that I can have my fertility stimulated (let's don't), stopped (probably already has), my pregnancy can be assisted by a midwife or a doula (had to look that one up), it could help my post-partum depression....pretty much every issue I don't have. Well the lady on the phone took it all in stride...gave me the directions and said it would be no problem.....I could have a normal massage....and leave with fertility intact. So then I called the Groupon Goddess and asked her if she happened to notice the name of the spa.....she said "why, no". I mentioned the name...and told her about it....she giggle hysterically and said "well, they didn't say they were for pregnant people".....my argument......the name SPA MATERNA.
So Sunday at 10...me and my reproductive organs are going to get stimulated.......thanks Mom!!!
Several months ago I mentioned that I would love to have a hot stone massage.....so for Valentines Day....I got a Groupon for one. She's been after me ever since to make the "appointment before the coupon expires".....by the way, that would be 2 years from now. Anyway, last Friday I decided to make the appointment. I called up the number.....I needed evening or weekend hours. A very calm sounding lady answered the phone and started telling me the process. We decided on this Sunday at 10......then she say (or so I thought) "how far away are you"...so I said 20 minutes. She said...."you are 20 minutes away from giving birth".....ummmmm, no. So I took this opportunity to ask the name of the spa.....Spa Materna....as in maternal, maternity, mother, birth, PREGNANT. She asked when my baby was due....this is when I decided we needed to slow things down a bit. I explained that my mother bought me the Groupon thinking it was for a regular hot stone massage.....by this point I had visited Spa Materna online and found out that I can have my fertility stimulated (let's don't), stopped (probably already has), my pregnancy can be assisted by a midwife or a doula (had to look that one up), it could help my post-partum depression....pretty much every issue I don't have. Well the lady on the phone took it all in stride...gave me the directions and said it would be no problem.....I could have a normal massage....and leave with fertility intact. So then I called the Groupon Goddess and asked her if she happened to notice the name of the spa.....she said "why, no". I mentioned the name...and told her about it....she giggle hysterically and said "well, they didn't say they were for pregnant people".....my argument......the name SPA MATERNA.
So Sunday at 10...me and my reproductive organs are going to get stimulated.......thanks Mom!!!
Thursday, July 5, 2012
I wish....
I wish....people were as thoughtful towards me as I am towards them.
I wish....people could see me from the inside out...not the outside in.
I wish....I could turn back time.
I wish....my heart didn't break so easily.
I wish....anxiety/panic had never entered my life.
I wish....alcoholism didn't have a place in my family.
I wish....I was tougher.
I wish....I didn't care.
I wish....I could truly know happiness.
I wish....I could count on my friends as much as they count on me.
I wish....I could disappoint people as easily as they disappoint me.
I wish....I wasn't the one who is always there....
I wish....someone was always there for me.
I wish....that I wasn't envious or jealous.
I wish....that my heart's desire would come true.
I wish....that someone I miss would miss me.
I wish....that one of these wishes would come true.
I wish....alot.
I wish....people could see me from the inside out...not the outside in.
I wish....I could turn back time.
I wish....my heart didn't break so easily.
I wish....anxiety/panic had never entered my life.
I wish....alcoholism didn't have a place in my family.
I wish....I was tougher.
I wish....I didn't care.
I wish....I could truly know happiness.
I wish....I could count on my friends as much as they count on me.
I wish....I could disappoint people as easily as they disappoint me.
I wish....I wasn't the one who is always there....
I wish....someone was always there for me.
I wish....that I wasn't envious or jealous.
I wish....that my heart's desire would come true.
I wish....that someone I miss would miss me.
I wish....that one of these wishes would come true.
I wish....alot.
Monday, July 2, 2012
A Puzzle Piece....
I feel like a jigsaw puzzle...but something is missing. That final piece that makes everything right and forms a beautiful picture......
The elusive piece that may have been left out of the box by the Creator....
Makes me hate puzzles.
The elusive piece that may have been left out of the box by the Creator....
Makes me hate puzzles.
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Vanilla Soy
Yesterday I went to Ultimate Ice Cream to beat the heat....I had to wait in line forever....so while I waited I mentally gave people in line ice cream names based on my impression of them and what they ordered. I know, weird. But it killed time.
The girl in front of me had olive skin, long dark hair and an earth tone maxi dress....she was with a vertically challenged olive skin guy wearing a wife beater shirt and flip flops. She didn't look like she was breaking a sweat even though it was over a 100 degrees outside. One scoop chai with lemon berry syrup.....a little exotic and trendy. I had no "feel" for him but he ended up with maple bacon vanilla in a waffle cone.
Another girl was wearing 4 inch hot pink platform heels with white booty-brushing shorts and a hot pink tank top....overly processed hair....overly tanned.....over the top. Raspberry Chocolate with Marshmallow Fluff.
A girl wearing khaki capris..with a 3/4 length black gap sweater (100 degrees outside)...espadrille sandals...black glasses....book by Hemingway in hand....hair slicked back in a perfect pony tail....one scoop coffee.
Oddly enough my predictions were pretty much spot on......
And then there was me.......denim capris.....blue and pink converse tennis shoes with hot pink ribbon shoestrings....pink shirt...matching jewelry. Face blotchy from the heat and sun. Nose and allergies all to pieces. Hair frizzy and hard to handle. Yep, vanilla soy. Vanilla soy that I had to eat in enough time to make it home in exactly 20 minutes....or risk unseemly consequences.
Why can't I be the exotic chai or the sensible coffee or the flirty raspberry....
No.....I'm vanilla soy. Plain old boring vanilla (lactose intolerant and apparently soy intolerant) soy.
The girl in front of me had olive skin, long dark hair and an earth tone maxi dress....she was with a vertically challenged olive skin guy wearing a wife beater shirt and flip flops. She didn't look like she was breaking a sweat even though it was over a 100 degrees outside. One scoop chai with lemon berry syrup.....a little exotic and trendy. I had no "feel" for him but he ended up with maple bacon vanilla in a waffle cone.
Another girl was wearing 4 inch hot pink platform heels with white booty-brushing shorts and a hot pink tank top....overly processed hair....overly tanned.....over the top. Raspberry Chocolate with Marshmallow Fluff.
A girl wearing khaki capris..with a 3/4 length black gap sweater (100 degrees outside)...espadrille sandals...black glasses....book by Hemingway in hand....hair slicked back in a perfect pony tail....one scoop coffee.
Oddly enough my predictions were pretty much spot on......
And then there was me.......denim capris.....blue and pink converse tennis shoes with hot pink ribbon shoestrings....pink shirt...matching jewelry. Face blotchy from the heat and sun. Nose and allergies all to pieces. Hair frizzy and hard to handle. Yep, vanilla soy. Vanilla soy that I had to eat in enough time to make it home in exactly 20 minutes....or risk unseemly consequences.
Why can't I be the exotic chai or the sensible coffee or the flirty raspberry....
No.....I'm vanilla soy. Plain old boring vanilla (lactose intolerant and apparently soy intolerant) soy.
Saturday, June 23, 2012
Reason or a Season...
This year I've realized the truth around the phrase......"sometimes friends come into your life for a reaon and some for a season". It appears I have quite a few seasonal friends. Maybe it's just I set my expectations for friends so high because that's what I give to my friends....when they need me I give them my all. When I need them....not so much. It's hard. I've lost two friends this year.....one I risked my job for along with other friendships....we haven't spoken in 2 months. Another friend I'm losing to marriage. It's rough.
Prior to signing on to my blog it said it was a known fraudulent page. Figures...something else I enjoy down the tubes.
Prior to signing on to my blog it said it was a known fraudulent page. Figures...something else I enjoy down the tubes.
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
"And how would you like your bacon......?"
So last night one of my dearest friends was having a crisis....broken-hearted and feeling down...so I suggested dinner and retail therapy. Off we went to IHOP for breakfast/dinner. Now my friend is beautiful...inside and out.....but she has a terrific figure and is a MAN magnet. Do you see where this is going yet? Here's a clue....I'm man REPELLENT. Our waiter, who is very attractive, takes my order first....waffle and bacon.....he turns to my friend....and she orders the same....he had already commented on her IPhone and talked about how he was going to take care of "us".....by "us" he meant her cause he never looked at me....so when she said she wanted bacon...he said "and how would you like your bacon cooked".....
Trivial I know.....but as he walked off I thought now why didn't he ask how I wanted my bacon. So I listened to her problems being the good friend that I am....when he came back to check on her water glass....I said "excuse me, how come you didn't ask how I wanted my bacon".....deer in the headlights. He quickly jerked out his little pad and said...."I'm sorry, how did you want your bacon cooked". Now the point of my rant is not the bacon....because I love bacon no matter how it's cooked. The point is that I'm tired of being invisible. Just because I'm not as pretty as my friend or as thin....I get my bacon any old way.
This leads into another problem I have right now......when I left my old job....which I was made to feel like I had been fired....they wouldn't let me work a 2 week notice...made me leave immediately....I left for a reason. I lied about the reason to keep it from hurting the institution I worked for. I told everyone that I wanted to pursue other dreams...which was partly true....but the real truth was that I was tired of being screwed over by the people who worked there. Year after year they made promises they never kept. They got my hopes up for promotions....and I took different positions with the "promise" of something better if I just hung with them.....this went on for almost 13 years. Then somehow I ended up on the "badlist"....you know....no matter what I did it was wrong. So I left.....up and quit....never looked back. When I was approached by my current employer....yes, that's right.....they approached me....I was made promises......after 4 months I'm scared that it's going to be another "boulevard of broken dreams". My boss is out of town right now...today I emailed him and asked to meet with him next week about my concerns.
I'm tired of being Invisi-Girl.....I want my bacon cooked the way I like it and I want what was promised to me....is that too much to ask!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Trivial I know.....but as he walked off I thought now why didn't he ask how I wanted my bacon. So I listened to her problems being the good friend that I am....when he came back to check on her water glass....I said "excuse me, how come you didn't ask how I wanted my bacon".....deer in the headlights. He quickly jerked out his little pad and said...."I'm sorry, how did you want your bacon cooked". Now the point of my rant is not the bacon....because I love bacon no matter how it's cooked. The point is that I'm tired of being invisible. Just because I'm not as pretty as my friend or as thin....I get my bacon any old way.
This leads into another problem I have right now......when I left my old job....which I was made to feel like I had been fired....they wouldn't let me work a 2 week notice...made me leave immediately....I left for a reason. I lied about the reason to keep it from hurting the institution I worked for. I told everyone that I wanted to pursue other dreams...which was partly true....but the real truth was that I was tired of being screwed over by the people who worked there. Year after year they made promises they never kept. They got my hopes up for promotions....and I took different positions with the "promise" of something better if I just hung with them.....this went on for almost 13 years. Then somehow I ended up on the "badlist"....you know....no matter what I did it was wrong. So I left.....up and quit....never looked back. When I was approached by my current employer....yes, that's right.....they approached me....I was made promises......after 4 months I'm scared that it's going to be another "boulevard of broken dreams". My boss is out of town right now...today I emailed him and asked to meet with him next week about my concerns.
I'm tired of being Invisi-Girl.....I want my bacon cooked the way I like it and I want what was promised to me....is that too much to ask!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Monday, June 11, 2012
Anxiety.......the heart of "me".
I try not to let Anxiety define me.....after all I kept it a secret for years before I was formally diagnosed. I scratched my arms until I bled to stop the trembling and shaking....hoping the pain would chase away the panic. But it just created more. Panic that is. Then I had to explain the scratches. The scratches that left scars that will forever remind me of how bad some days/nights were. Sometimes I beg God to just let me be normal again....but God isn't a wish granter....and maybe this is my "normal". Somedays I can take my anxiety and laugh at my hangups.....like last week at the pharmacy when I went to pick up my meds and a lady with oozing poison ivy or leprosy plopped right up beside me on the counter showing her wounds.....now the pharmacy people know my germ hangups so they were laughing at the whole experience....I was too. I couldn't get my debit card to work....had to take a panic pill before I even left but all in all the experience was pretty funny. And then there was today when I went to an OCD/Panic/Anxiety/BiPolar/Depression/PTSD support group.......in my defense I was pretty bored. But I do think it would be nice to have a friend that knows what it is like....kind of like AA...but for crazies. I was not going "looking for love in all the wrong places".....could you imagine...yikes.
But anyway even though I can get on here and tell all my neighbors, people I went to high school with and virtual strangers (even family members) all my business.. in that meeting today....I got so upset I thought I was going to lose my mind. No pun intended. I felt like I was on trial...lots of intrusive questions....lots of talk of medicines and what combinations they liked or didn't like. I really didn't talk because I didn't agree with alot that was said......they were making it a pity-party. Now don't get me wrong I love a good pity-party just as much as the next girl but I came here to meet people with my same issues and bond...not get depressed....I could have stayed home in my jammies for that. So I decided it was time to make a break for it.....but unfortunately I was 10 people in on a row...so that was alot of "excuse mes"....I really wanted to sneak out with very little notice. I waited a few more minutes and things just got worse....I wanted to jump off the building. So finally I got up and headed to the door. Then the unthinkable happened......the "proctor", "leader", "head nut" said "ma'am....we really don't like for people to leave during a session. and you haven't really contributed to the discussion. how can we help you if you don't participate". So I slunk back into the room and said that while I enjoyed my time I really thought I was in a different place with my "disorder"....another person in the room stood up......and "confronted me".....Are you envisioning the Salem Witch Trials in your mind....if not prepare too. The guy said, with a completely straight face, "don't you worry what will happen if you end up dead in a dumpster one day"......I don't know what possessed me (no pun intended with the earlier witch analogy) but I said (without missing a beat)...."well, I guess I won't have to worry about Anxiety anymore"....deathly quiet......nervous giggle from me....and off I went. Guess they marked me off the guest list!!! :)
But anyway even though I can get on here and tell all my neighbors, people I went to high school with and virtual strangers (even family members) all my business.. in that meeting today....I got so upset I thought I was going to lose my mind. No pun intended. I felt like I was on trial...lots of intrusive questions....lots of talk of medicines and what combinations they liked or didn't like. I really didn't talk because I didn't agree with alot that was said......they were making it a pity-party. Now don't get me wrong I love a good pity-party just as much as the next girl but I came here to meet people with my same issues and bond...not get depressed....I could have stayed home in my jammies for that. So I decided it was time to make a break for it.....but unfortunately I was 10 people in on a row...so that was alot of "excuse mes"....I really wanted to sneak out with very little notice. I waited a few more minutes and things just got worse....I wanted to jump off the building. So finally I got up and headed to the door. Then the unthinkable happened......the "proctor", "leader", "head nut" said "ma'am....we really don't like for people to leave during a session. and you haven't really contributed to the discussion. how can we help you if you don't participate". So I slunk back into the room and said that while I enjoyed my time I really thought I was in a different place with my "disorder"....another person in the room stood up......and "confronted me".....Are you envisioning the Salem Witch Trials in your mind....if not prepare too. The guy said, with a completely straight face, "don't you worry what will happen if you end up dead in a dumpster one day"......I don't know what possessed me (no pun intended with the earlier witch analogy) but I said (without missing a beat)...."well, I guess I won't have to worry about Anxiety anymore"....deathly quiet......nervous giggle from me....and off I went. Guess they marked me off the guest list!!! :)
Monday, June 4, 2012
I think it's my spleen.....
Or maybe it's the fact that my right baby toe is about to come loose from my foot. I know I'm a raging hypochondriac....and working with the public doesn't do me any favors. Btw, something is wrong with my little toe. But it seems like when stress enters my life I obsess about random and far-reaching health issues. Like the toe...that's swollen. So I thought I could handle the new job...I love my co-workers and my new boss. But I think I may be too stupid for insurance. I admit....I'm a control freak. But I didn't realized how bad it was until I embarked on my new career venture. At the bank....I knew everything....I knew all the customers, every aspect of my job and of those around me....people called me for help. People still call me for help. I stopped by a branch on Friday and as a customer I had to help them....it was refreshing. I wasn't the girl with the million questions or the million mistakes.....I was the smart girl. I have a hard time being the stupid girl. It's very overwhelming starting a new job. Completely new. The day goes by fast and I'm certainly being challenged unlike at the bank but I hate feeling dumb. I don't know anything about roof lines or hardy board......or masonry veneer. And I don't understand why when one family is past due on their insurance they go out and buy a new car they can't afford. And I'm supposed to be selling life insurance hand over fist....people don't know me in Candler. In Blk Mtn...I had a fan base....I was the one everybody loved....they flocked in to see me. In Candler I'm nobody. My toe hurts when I move it back and forth. I keep thinking I'm doing better then a new crop of mistakes come up. And then I wonder...is this what I was meant to do??? Was this my true calling??? All the money in the world and a company car wouldn't take me back to the bank...but I just don't know. I have a hard time being stupid. What happens if your little toe falls off?? And then I have a twitch in my right eye. I feel like I was really talked up to my new boss...by a previous bank customer who referred me to the job...and I hate to think that I'm not meeting expectations. It's very hard for me not being perfect. I can do crazy....I have a hard time with stupid. Further updates on the little toe "that cried weewee all the way home".
On a side note.......someone asked me how I could throw my life out there on the internet for everyone to read....I never really thought about it, but Susan Reinhardt from the Asheville paper had a good quote that sums it right up......"the most powerful writing is when you open up a vein and bleed". So that's what I'm doing....I'm bleeding for all the world to see. I'm not afraid to throw my crazy out there for everyone to read.....maybe it will help someone else with the same issues....it's helped me to get it off my chest.
On a side note.......someone asked me how I could throw my life out there on the internet for everyone to read....I never really thought about it, but Susan Reinhardt from the Asheville paper had a good quote that sums it right up......"the most powerful writing is when you open up a vein and bleed". So that's what I'm doing....I'm bleeding for all the world to see. I'm not afraid to throw my crazy out there for everyone to read.....maybe it will help someone else with the same issues....it's helped me to get it off my chest.
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Therapy???
So I have a team of medical professionals to assist me in this crazy little thing I call "my life". Not really a team.....just a super psychiatrist and his fabulous office manager/daughter and my christian counselor (who was officially fired tonight).
I started seeing her first....almost 4 years ago (hard to believe) when my world turned upside down. I saw an ad in the Black Mountain News that she was affordable. Good enough for me....for you see I wasn't "sick enough" or "willing to admit" that I needed "professional help with medication". Anyway her purpose was to help me to stop blaming God for punishing me....because I did, and sometimes I still do. She did good at first....she had an anxiety program that I completed and she taught me to journal and she did help me to see that God is helping me become stronger....but lately......I just feel like she's making me feel....well...worse.
Like tonight....I paid $50 and left in worse shape than I was in when I got there. She's very critical of my weight, my family, my job, my medications.....everything. I have critical views already. So after my appointment I marched back in there and broke up with her. I'm not going to pay $50 to feel worse.
Now don't get me wrong....I love therapy!! Everyone should do it......it's kind of nice to have someone sit and listen to you for an hour...with no expectations...I don't have to be nice...I don't have to be happy...I can cry....I can curse...I can sob. It's all about me. But I shouldn't come out feeling worse. So I took a stand tonight. I can get my affirmations about God from other sources......
Kind of a boring post, I know.......
I started seeing her first....almost 4 years ago (hard to believe) when my world turned upside down. I saw an ad in the Black Mountain News that she was affordable. Good enough for me....for you see I wasn't "sick enough" or "willing to admit" that I needed "professional help with medication". Anyway her purpose was to help me to stop blaming God for punishing me....because I did, and sometimes I still do. She did good at first....she had an anxiety program that I completed and she taught me to journal and she did help me to see that God is helping me become stronger....but lately......I just feel like she's making me feel....well...worse.
Like tonight....I paid $50 and left in worse shape than I was in when I got there. She's very critical of my weight, my family, my job, my medications.....everything. I have critical views already. So after my appointment I marched back in there and broke up with her. I'm not going to pay $50 to feel worse.
Now don't get me wrong....I love therapy!! Everyone should do it......it's kind of nice to have someone sit and listen to you for an hour...with no expectations...I don't have to be nice...I don't have to be happy...I can cry....I can curse...I can sob. It's all about me. But I shouldn't come out feeling worse. So I took a stand tonight. I can get my affirmations about God from other sources......
Kind of a boring post, I know.......
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Reality Check
So what....I have an anxiety disorder, depression and digestive disorders. Could be worse.
I could be like my strong 36 year old, recently remarried, mother of two....friend from college. Who today, had her right breast removed in her fight against Stage II breast cancer. She is handling it with such a positive attitude and putting all her trust and worries in God's hands. She is my new hero.
So I have no right to complain....none at all. For the next year she has to deal with chemo and radiation. She has a battle in life. I have a hiccup. I stood up for her at her first wedding....she went through a horrible, hurtful divorce....but then found the love of her life again. Her daughters are beautiful and so is she. If you are a fan of my blog.....and the praying sort....please pray for this strong smiling woman.
I could be like my strong 36 year old, recently remarried, mother of two....friend from college. Who today, had her right breast removed in her fight against Stage II breast cancer. She is handling it with such a positive attitude and putting all her trust and worries in God's hands. She is my new hero.
So I have no right to complain....none at all. For the next year she has to deal with chemo and radiation. She has a battle in life. I have a hiccup. I stood up for her at her first wedding....she went through a horrible, hurtful divorce....but then found the love of her life again. Her daughters are beautiful and so is she. If you are a fan of my blog.....and the praying sort....please pray for this strong smiling woman.
Monday, May 21, 2012
"Chronic"
at my last dr appt....the word "chronic" came up. don't get me wrong....I knew that people with Panic/Anxiety disorders rarely just "get better".....but "chronic" sounds so harsh, so permanent. some of the books I've read say that people can control their attacks through diet and exercise....no drugs at all....and their attacks get fewer and further in between when they learn to accept life and not fight the attacks. but I'm.....different. high-strung. sensitive. life is so much harder for me in some ways. I take things to heart too much. I over analyze...I think everyone else's reactions are a direct reflection of something I've said or done. I sacrifice my own feelings to not hurt someone else. one harsh word and i'm wounded for days. one wrong look and i'm devastated. i have nightmares and i'm prone to crying jags and good ol' hissy fits. i'm easily hurt by other peoples actions. "chronic"....such a small word for such a long time.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Reflections on my last year......please...a recap at best...
So here it is again....the dreaded birthday eve......I've been thinking about the past birthday year...what I've accomplished and what I haven't......where I've been....etc.
Ok....start humming Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire".....
Hilton Head Island.....Charleston and meeting Sweet Baby Patrick for the first time....Pigeon Forge....Sweet revelations....Little League World Series and Orange County Choppers....Sweet first kiss....Quit the bank on a whim....Best thing I ever did....Panic Disorders and Anxiety Attacks.....Got a job at Silvery Moon...worked at Ridgecrest more...enjoyed my early mini-retirement immensely....WOW...Lost a 10 year friendship to lies (isn't that Days of Our Lives-ish)....Bad job interviews...Anxiety Attacks....a big yellow dog.....Rocking Chair Ridge...became the neighborhood pet sitter plus the "bill-collector" of all fees....Hilton Head Island....YUMMiness......Bad dates...Tea parties with delightful old ladies....Job interview with possibility???.......sold off all my treasured seasonal holiday bank decorations to re-invent the "new" Murph......Offered new job.....Hilton Head Island.....Endless hours spent studying for NC State Insurance Exams....tears....failure.....broken hearted.....jealousy......fatigue....anxiety....Started passing tests....excitement...glee....more studying....more Insurance classes.....fighting with insurance companies to get the medicine I need and can't afford....anxiety attacks....opened up to the Facebook community and to my family about my "secret" struggle with Panic/Anxiety Disorder with this blog......rough times....suicidal thoughts (it's true-and a reality for people with panic disorder).....Hilton Head Island....disappointments....disillusionment.....close family friends passed away....spoke at their funeral in front of literally 500 people if not more...no anxiety attacks....pre-speech or post-speech.....go figure.....can't go to WalMart without popping my cork but I totally rocked that funeral without any symptoms....working 7 days a week.....3 jobs....totally not where I'd thought I'd be at this point in my life.....resentment....hurt....frustrations with my new job....change is hard...sensitivity....azalea.....Ridgecrest....red velvet cake.....and to the next chapter...
Ok....start humming Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire".....
Hilton Head Island.....Charleston and meeting Sweet Baby Patrick for the first time....Pigeon Forge....Sweet revelations....Little League World Series and Orange County Choppers....Sweet first kiss....Quit the bank on a whim....Best thing I ever did....Panic Disorders and Anxiety Attacks.....Got a job at Silvery Moon...worked at Ridgecrest more...enjoyed my early mini-retirement immensely....WOW...Lost a 10 year friendship to lies (isn't that Days of Our Lives-ish)....Bad job interviews...Anxiety Attacks....a big yellow dog.....Rocking Chair Ridge...became the neighborhood pet sitter plus the "bill-collector" of all fees....Hilton Head Island....YUMMiness......Bad dates...Tea parties with delightful old ladies....Job interview with possibility???.......sold off all my treasured seasonal holiday bank decorations to re-invent the "new" Murph......Offered new job.....Hilton Head Island.....Endless hours spent studying for NC State Insurance Exams....tears....failure.....broken hearted.....jealousy......fatigue....anxiety....Started passing tests....excitement...glee....more studying....more Insurance classes.....fighting with insurance companies to get the medicine I need and can't afford....anxiety attacks....opened up to the Facebook community and to my family about my "secret" struggle with Panic/Anxiety Disorder with this blog......rough times....suicidal thoughts (it's true-and a reality for people with panic disorder).....Hilton Head Island....disappointments....disillusionment.....close family friends passed away....spoke at their funeral in front of literally 500 people if not more...no anxiety attacks....pre-speech or post-speech.....go figure.....can't go to WalMart without popping my cork but I totally rocked that funeral without any symptoms....working 7 days a week.....3 jobs....totally not where I'd thought I'd be at this point in my life.....resentment....hurt....frustrations with my new job....change is hard...sensitivity....azalea.....Ridgecrest....red velvet cake.....and to the next chapter...
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
"The Bacholerette" vs. "Old Yeller"
Since March, my life has revolved around studying senseless insurance facts round the clock for virtually test after test after test. Today was my last one and I passed....which is why I have time to share this little tidbit of wisdom with my followers. Last night I basically decided to "hell with it"....if I pass I pass....you know kind of like my college days. So I scanned the channels for some quality TV....
my choices were as follows: "Tin Cup" with Kevin Costner (which Charter must own the rights too because it is on every channel almost daily), both "Where the Red Fern Grows" and "Old Yeller" (not interested in doggie death dramas especially when one of them involves a yellow lab) and "The Bacholerette". Now I could have watched one of the thousands of ESPN channels....but I picked "The Bacholerette". Sigh. You know....I've never really been a fan, but I have been known to watch it, but last night just really got me. Little Miss Emily could get herself a man with that southern accent, that gorgeous body and that money.......she does not need to go on TV to find a man. Why don't they find a girl that really needs help finding a man?? A girl with flaws.....one with a zit. Or glasses. Or buck-teeth. Or a big butt. I mean, do they all have to be so perfect. And those "pretty boy" men.....if I were her........I would have eliminated half of them for being corny last night. For example, "I'm a biology teacher, but I want to have chemistry with you"....really. Next. And a helicopter entrance...let's get real. And a glass slipper that just happens to fit. Gag. Not one of those guys were a little pudgy, or bald, or unemployed or just plain "bless his heart". They were entrepreneurs, ad exes, a grain stimulator (had to look that one up)....and on and on. I want to see a Bacholerette that is real....maybe she has a couple pounds on her and drives a red honda and lives with her parents....I mean...I'm just saying. Maybe she has no idea what she wants to do with her life. But she would like to see some diversity among the "pretty boys"...some older, some younger, some "bless his hearts". Somebody that works down at Tractor Supply....just an example. Everybody doesn't have to be so freaking perfect. It was nauseating....so it was back to "Old Yeller".....you know...reality. A box of tissues later....I decided maybe reading about disability insurance wouldn't have been so bad.......
my choices were as follows: "Tin Cup" with Kevin Costner (which Charter must own the rights too because it is on every channel almost daily), both "Where the Red Fern Grows" and "Old Yeller" (not interested in doggie death dramas especially when one of them involves a yellow lab) and "The Bacholerette". Now I could have watched one of the thousands of ESPN channels....but I picked "The Bacholerette". Sigh. You know....I've never really been a fan, but I have been known to watch it, but last night just really got me. Little Miss Emily could get herself a man with that southern accent, that gorgeous body and that money.......she does not need to go on TV to find a man. Why don't they find a girl that really needs help finding a man?? A girl with flaws.....one with a zit. Or glasses. Or buck-teeth. Or a big butt. I mean, do they all have to be so perfect. And those "pretty boy" men.....if I were her........I would have eliminated half of them for being corny last night. For example, "I'm a biology teacher, but I want to have chemistry with you"....really. Next. And a helicopter entrance...let's get real. And a glass slipper that just happens to fit. Gag. Not one of those guys were a little pudgy, or bald, or unemployed or just plain "bless his heart". They were entrepreneurs, ad exes, a grain stimulator (had to look that one up)....and on and on. I want to see a Bacholerette that is real....maybe she has a couple pounds on her and drives a red honda and lives with her parents....I mean...I'm just saying. Maybe she has no idea what she wants to do with her life. But she would like to see some diversity among the "pretty boys"...some older, some younger, some "bless his hearts". Somebody that works down at Tractor Supply....just an example. Everybody doesn't have to be so freaking perfect. It was nauseating....so it was back to "Old Yeller".....you know...reality. A box of tissues later....I decided maybe reading about disability insurance wouldn't have been so bad.......
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Random and Somewhat Irksome Thoughts
Saw my psychiatrist this week.....and his daughter/office manager...great visit. In fact, he is the first doctor that I've really felt truly cares about me and my health. My christian counselor, who is supposed to help me to stop blaming God, just continues to rant and rave about me becoming addicted to my medications. Which is great thing to say to a worry-wart. My doctor did use a word that bothered me though...CHRONIC. My "condition" is chronic. I mean I knew that deep down but I guess I thought that one morning I would wake up and be "normal" again.
Realized I have a new hang-up during my first day in Hilton Head...I'm nervous about eating seafood down here. I realize that is insane because I eat it in the mountains...and who knows how long it has been sitting around or where it came from. But I had a real problem at dinner tonight. But I ate it and I'm still alive thus far.
This comment is probably going to bite me in the butt ....but when have I ever let that stop me before. Last night I made a comment on my Facebook page about how I was going to be glad to get away from "Ridgecrest, State Farm and the Silvery Moon (my 3 jobs), studying for insurance tests and dealing with grumpy homeowner association members (I'm the treasurer)...and I needed a break before they all shoved me over the edge." I felt that was a normal statement...not meant to hurt anyone...I wasn't bad mouthing Ridgecrest, SF or SM. Well someone close to one of these companies got very offended and vocal about what I said. Said I shouldn't be saying crap about people who are nice and just trying to run a business.....the person just kept on and on. I took the post down and blocked her as a friend. But it has continued to bother me....first, I think she'll probably tell the owners of the business and what if they fire me...when I meant nothing by it. Second, I think she blew it completely out of proportion...Third, I've let it bother me this long. And I really thought she was kidding at first. I swear I can't win for losing. Makes me want to shutdown FB completely.
Realized I have a new hang-up during my first day in Hilton Head...I'm nervous about eating seafood down here. I realize that is insane because I eat it in the mountains...and who knows how long it has been sitting around or where it came from. But I had a real problem at dinner tonight. But I ate it and I'm still alive thus far.
This comment is probably going to bite me in the butt ....but when have I ever let that stop me before. Last night I made a comment on my Facebook page about how I was going to be glad to get away from "Ridgecrest, State Farm and the Silvery Moon (my 3 jobs), studying for insurance tests and dealing with grumpy homeowner association members (I'm the treasurer)...and I needed a break before they all shoved me over the edge." I felt that was a normal statement...not meant to hurt anyone...I wasn't bad mouthing Ridgecrest, SF or SM. Well someone close to one of these companies got very offended and vocal about what I said. Said I shouldn't be saying crap about people who are nice and just trying to run a business.....the person just kept on and on. I took the post down and blocked her as a friend. But it has continued to bother me....first, I think she'll probably tell the owners of the business and what if they fire me...when I meant nothing by it. Second, I think she blew it completely out of proportion...Third, I've let it bother me this long. And I really thought she was kidding at first. I swear I can't win for losing. Makes me want to shutdown FB completely.
Thursday, April 26, 2012
"These are a few of my favorite things....part 2"
Things That Make Me Happy....
Monster Trucks Barrett Jackson Car Shows with my Daddy Nascar and Dale Jr
Otters Crossword Puzzles Suduko The Dukes of Hazzard
Honey Trivia Pursuit Lima Beans
Things That Upset Me....
Failure Not being perfect Not being the best Change
Alcoholism Turmoil Being alone Addiction
Not reaching the goals I had set for myself Feeling like I'm a loser Feeling drained from all the insurance studying and all I do is fail I've never failed I was perfect until I got sick I made the best grades and I was the best employee and then it all crumbled like confetti And I was left to pick up the pieces It's hard to pick up confetti Being jealous Feeling hatred My mom feeling like constantly buying me things will somehow make everything better Secrets
Monster Trucks Barrett Jackson Car Shows with my Daddy Nascar and Dale Jr
Otters Crossword Puzzles Suduko The Dukes of Hazzard
Honey Trivia Pursuit Lima Beans
Things That Upset Me....
Failure Not being perfect Not being the best Change
Alcoholism Turmoil Being alone Addiction
Not reaching the goals I had set for myself Feeling like I'm a loser Feeling drained from all the insurance studying and all I do is fail I've never failed I was perfect until I got sick I made the best grades and I was the best employee and then it all crumbled like confetti And I was left to pick up the pieces It's hard to pick up confetti Being jealous Feeling hatred My mom feeling like constantly buying me things will somehow make everything better Secrets
Bothered, Bewildered and.....Bewitched????
Ok....so I finally did it. I succumbed to the online dating trend much to my own dismay.....a friend met the love of her life on there and recently got engaged so I thought what the heck. What the heck, was right!!!!!
We met and I thought there was definite potential.....he met the height requirement. That being he was taller than me. CHECK. He was polite, well groomed....appeared to have a good job with a great group health insurance plan. CHECK. His shirt was monogrammed. CHECK. I love a preppy guy and a monogram. He drove a rather boring sedan...but we can't have everything. Conversation was going well. He was attractive...yet flawed....wasn't too "perfect". Seemed close to his family...which means we could ditch mine. Then the moment came when he pulled out of his pocket.......a travel-size bottle of PURELL. I almost fainted....a germaphobe......what more could a fellow germaphobe want. We bonded over anti-bacterial and discussed working with the public. He works at the court house...good benefits!!!!!
Things were going fabulous....until......the shocker. He asked me my religious beliefs and where I worshipped. I told him I am a Christian...Baptist...and between churches (which is kind of a stretch.....but in my defense I have a hard time going to church alone because of my various hang-ups but I didn't want him to think I was a heathen). Ummm...yeah. About that. I asked him his.........and I'm totally not judging....if any of you out there in BlogWorld are of this "faith" then good for you....but it's not for me. And he was very adamant in remaining with his belief.....he had been raised that way....and wanted his children (gulp) raised that way.
He was/is a .......Wiccan. I know, Welcome to Asheville. So we continued our meal and had a good evening....I even learned some stuff about what and why he believes that way. It was a nice evening out and I don't regret it...but boy....can I pick them. We are going to hang out as friends occasionally....why do men always want to be my friend. Sigh. And did I mention he likes the WWE.
We met and I thought there was definite potential.....he met the height requirement. That being he was taller than me. CHECK. He was polite, well groomed....appeared to have a good job with a great group health insurance plan. CHECK. His shirt was monogrammed. CHECK. I love a preppy guy and a monogram. He drove a rather boring sedan...but we can't have everything. Conversation was going well. He was attractive...yet flawed....wasn't too "perfect". Seemed close to his family...which means we could ditch mine. Then the moment came when he pulled out of his pocket.......a travel-size bottle of PURELL. I almost fainted....a germaphobe......what more could a fellow germaphobe want. We bonded over anti-bacterial and discussed working with the public. He works at the court house...good benefits!!!!!
Things were going fabulous....until......the shocker. He asked me my religious beliefs and where I worshipped. I told him I am a Christian...Baptist...and between churches (which is kind of a stretch.....but in my defense I have a hard time going to church alone because of my various hang-ups but I didn't want him to think I was a heathen). Ummm...yeah. About that. I asked him his.........and I'm totally not judging....if any of you out there in BlogWorld are of this "faith" then good for you....but it's not for me. And he was very adamant in remaining with his belief.....he had been raised that way....and wanted his children (gulp) raised that way.
He was/is a .......Wiccan. I know, Welcome to Asheville. So we continued our meal and had a good evening....I even learned some stuff about what and why he believes that way. It was a nice evening out and I don't regret it...but boy....can I pick them. We are going to hang out as friends occasionally....why do men always want to be my friend. Sigh. And did I mention he likes the WWE.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
"These are a few of my favorite things...."
Things that make me happy:
polka dots hair ribbon jewelry, jewelry and Chocolate Diamonds
And chocolate...don't forget the chocolate...milk, dark......
Red Patent Leather shoes and Purple Patent and Black Patent and Maroon Patent...ok all colors.
Puppies.....Dogs.....especially Boo Radley!!!
Buttons....the kinds you sew on...not the kinds you push.
Stationary, stickers, gel pens and the handwritten letter
glittery nail polish bubble baths candles
BOOKS.....smutty romance, cheesy self help, bloody true crime, amateur sleuth mysteries, biographies.
20/20, Dateline, Snapped, Americas Most Wanted, TruTV, WWE
bluegrass The River Arts District living in Black Mountain
artsy-fartsy-crafty stuff
a secret
Things that make me very very very unhappy:
pre-existing health conditions prescriptions today's health care system
anxiety disorders panic disorders IBS being uninsurable
being lactose intolerant being overweight worrying failing
Where the Red Fern Grows, The Fox and the Hound, My Dog Skip, Old Yeller
I guess I should be thankful that there are more items on the first list than on the 2nd...but the 2nd list is really weighing on my mind lately.....(not the doggy death row movies).....
polka dots hair ribbon jewelry, jewelry and Chocolate Diamonds
And chocolate...don't forget the chocolate...milk, dark......
Red Patent Leather shoes and Purple Patent and Black Patent and Maroon Patent...ok all colors.
Puppies.....Dogs.....especially Boo Radley!!!
Buttons....the kinds you sew on...not the kinds you push.
Stationary, stickers, gel pens and the handwritten letter
glittery nail polish bubble baths candles
BOOKS.....smutty romance, cheesy self help, bloody true crime, amateur sleuth mysteries, biographies.
20/20, Dateline, Snapped, Americas Most Wanted, TruTV, WWE
bluegrass The River Arts District living in Black Mountain
artsy-fartsy-crafty stuff
a secret
Things that make me very very very unhappy:
pre-existing health conditions prescriptions today's health care system
anxiety disorders panic disorders IBS being uninsurable
being lactose intolerant being overweight worrying failing
Where the Red Fern Grows, The Fox and the Hound, My Dog Skip, Old Yeller
I guess I should be thankful that there are more items on the first list than on the 2nd...but the 2nd list is really weighing on my mind lately.....(not the doggy death row movies).....
Sunday, April 15, 2012
The Delayed Panic-An interesting phenomenon
I feel the need to blog today...but I don't feel completely ready to bare my soul of what's really bothering me. I know....this coming from the girl who waxed poetic about her poop for one whole blog...it's hard to explain. I have 3 things, completely unrelated, weighing on my mind but I just can't voice them right now. Oddly enough, one does involve pee.
But I digress....I'm here today to talk about "delayed panic"....or as I like to call it...the sneak up approach. The day I went to take my Life Insurance Exam (after failing miserably the first time)...I walked up into that educational testing prison...submitted to the strip search and body cavity search....sat down at that computer 100% confident that I was going to kick some life insurance butt. I might as well have been Mr. Wayne Goodwin myself (NC Commissioner of Insurance-voted by the public for the public, serves a 4 year term and should he have to step down our dear Governor Purdue will assign a replacement-if you are looking for an obscure insurance fact...call me)...I answered every question....and was out of there in 30 minutes. I went to the lobby...got my PASS certificate...did a snoopy dance...sent my needy texts to have people congratulate me..headed to Charming Charlies for a "happy" to reward myself. Thought all was well. Until 11:00 pm that night.
All of a sudden I got dizzy, nauseous and itchy. That "out of body" feeling was consuming me. I started hyperventilating. My fingers and toes were numb. It felt like a knife was repeatedly stabbing me in the stomach. My mouth was dry and I was having trouble swallowing. Just another happy day for an anxiety sufferer. And this was 12 hours after my stressful situation. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever end. But I made it through that night...the entire "attack" lasts only about 15 minutes but then I'm left exhausted beyond belief. And I'm sure I'll make it through another attack. It's making me stronger....I hope. Even though I still carry my heart on my sleeve.
But I digress....I'm here today to talk about "delayed panic"....or as I like to call it...the sneak up approach. The day I went to take my Life Insurance Exam (after failing miserably the first time)...I walked up into that educational testing prison...submitted to the strip search and body cavity search....sat down at that computer 100% confident that I was going to kick some life insurance butt. I might as well have been Mr. Wayne Goodwin myself (NC Commissioner of Insurance-voted by the public for the public, serves a 4 year term and should he have to step down our dear Governor Purdue will assign a replacement-if you are looking for an obscure insurance fact...call me)...I answered every question....and was out of there in 30 minutes. I went to the lobby...got my PASS certificate...did a snoopy dance...sent my needy texts to have people congratulate me..headed to Charming Charlies for a "happy" to reward myself. Thought all was well. Until 11:00 pm that night.
All of a sudden I got dizzy, nauseous and itchy. That "out of body" feeling was consuming me. I started hyperventilating. My fingers and toes were numb. It felt like a knife was repeatedly stabbing me in the stomach. My mouth was dry and I was having trouble swallowing. Just another happy day for an anxiety sufferer. And this was 12 hours after my stressful situation. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever end. But I made it through that night...the entire "attack" lasts only about 15 minutes but then I'm left exhausted beyond belief. And I'm sure I'll make it through another attack. It's making me stronger....I hope. Even though I still carry my heart on my sleeve.
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Speed Dating AKA WTH was I thinking
All I can say is I have no idea what I was thinking. I picked up the Mountain Xpress and saw there was a speed dating in Asheville on this glorious Easter Eve. My other choice was to lie in bed and watch the Ten Commandments.....should have watched them.....should in fact be a new one...."thou shalt not speed date".
Anyway I threw on some makeup, curled my hair and removed any seasonal jewelry or pastel colors (Toby and Andrew if you are reading this....I didn't wear the Easter Egg Slide). I headed to the location. When I first went in the room it was all women....so I wondered if I picked the wrong Speed Dating group....but no....they were keeping the 10 eligible women separate from the 10 eligible men. We would meet a man one on one in what looked to be a voting booth. We wouldn't see bachelors 2-10 until we entered the booth. The moderator, that was the title she had given herself, was overly peppy and happily married....and GUESS WHAT she "totally met her husband at an event just like this". That should have been my clue to get the heck out of dodge. But in my lack of sleep, insurance studying induced fugue...I stayed. She started passing out index cards....each had a list of 5 ice-breakers (in case we couldn't come up with anything in our 8 minutes together to talk about). Each card could be different or we could be paired up with someone with the same card, What fun??? Where is Charlton Heston when I need him???
My index card listed these questions (btw, I wouldn't ask or answer these questions with people I know let alone people I don't know):
1. If you could be any state which one would it be???
First of all.....I was already in a state....one of panic....what on earth was I doing here. Secondly, what would this tell me about a potential mate.
2. How do you feel about Obama's healthcare reform plan????????
Seriously. I'm uninsurable and don't have insurance.
3. If you could eat at any restaurant in Asheville, where would it be and what would you order??
4. What is your favorite book?
5. What brought you here tonight?
Skipped a dose of medication???
All I could think was I hope to goodness none of my eligible bachelors asked me any of these questions.
So into Voting Booth #1........good news. I knew him....had a horrible blind date experience 6 months ago. His comment to me...."so you are still single, huh?". 8 torturous minutes later....the bell rang....time to see Bachelor #2.
Bachelor #2 was missing 5 teeth...but trying not to judge I gave it my best shot when he asked "if you could be any state which one would it be". Ding went the bell.
Bachelor #3 said I looked a little "too classy" for him. Is that a bad thing??? Ding went the bell.
Bachelor #4......he was a relative. Don't ask....I'm not telling. It's illegal and just gross. Ding
Bachelor #5.....I asked him "what his favorite book was".....his answer...he doesn't read. Ding
Bachelor #6....A guy I went to high school with....who said that he thought I was cute in high school but I always seemed so uppity. Fabulous. Ding
Bachelor #7....His question to me is "if I were on the Bachelorette would I give him the final rose"???? He made up his own list of questions. Where's the belllllll???? Ding
Bachelor #8.....Looked oddly familiar. But after the old classmate and family member, I felt like maybe I was being paranoid. I asked him about his favorite book...."The Grapes of Wrath"...alright...I saw a glimmer of potential UNTIL it occurred to me where I knew him from. A support group for people with various emotional and mental disorders. Next
Bachelor #9....Had pictures of his 5 kids from 3 different wives. A little too much baggage for me.
Bachelor #10.....When I asked what brought him there tonight....one word said it all....my mom made me.
Finally, it was over.......needless to say. Nothing I recommend and nothing I'll ever do again.
The Crippled Lamb
I got my Easter Blessing early this year. Funny how things happen. I was sitting in the jewelry store having myself a good old pity party. I'm absolutely exhausted from all this insurance stuff and continual studying. I don't sleep well at night and during the day I'm like an 80 year old in a nursing home...I find myself dosing off in my chair. I'm also feeling very lonely in life.
A family came in with a young son...about 8. He had glass, braces and was all gangly legs and elbows. He looked very fragile. He came right up to the counter and started asking me about my day and the book I was reading. I was reading a true crime serial killer novel so I tried to turn it into a Nancy Drew type mystery so his parents wouldn't think I was a freak. He had a wooden bunny that GiftCrafts (a shop down the row) had given him and we talked about that for a while. His mom and dad shopped.
He was very smart. Told me he was from Georgia and they'd travelled from one end of NC to the other for Spring Break. Next stop was Dillsboro where he was going to be in an Easter Bunny parade. He asked to feel my hair....which I let him do. Then he told me he had Aspergers Syndrome and asked me if I knew what that was...I did but I let him tell me...... He also has Trichotillomania, which is a form of anxiety in children that manifests in them pulling out their eyelashes one by one. He said you know people make fun of me alot in school. I asked him what school he went to and it seemed to be a mainstream public school. He said it's not fun to be made fun of. He said he didn't like being different.
My heart absolutely broke and I shook off my pity party. I walked around the counter and sat down and told him that people made fun of me when I was younger for being fat and that it had really hurt my feelings but it had made me strong. He said "strong like a super hero" and I said yes. And that I have an anxiety disorder and I sometimes scratch my skin till it bleeds. He said so "you are weird like me".....I laughed and said that yes, I guess I am. But I like to think that it takes "all kinds of kinds" to make up this world....and we are just two of a kind. He liked that a lot. The little boy that doesn't like to be touched or to touch threw his arms around my neck and hugged me close. I looked up to see tears streaming down his mom and dads face.
Michael left me with tears of my own and a wooden bunny that he insisted I have. I can't imagine what he's going through at 8 years old that I think is killing me in my 30s...I have nothing to complain about. God works in mysterious ways and today He sent a crippled lamb to me to remind me of what I do have in life.
A family came in with a young son...about 8. He had glass, braces and was all gangly legs and elbows. He looked very fragile. He came right up to the counter and started asking me about my day and the book I was reading. I was reading a true crime serial killer novel so I tried to turn it into a Nancy Drew type mystery so his parents wouldn't think I was a freak. He had a wooden bunny that GiftCrafts (a shop down the row) had given him and we talked about that for a while. His mom and dad shopped.
He was very smart. Told me he was from Georgia and they'd travelled from one end of NC to the other for Spring Break. Next stop was Dillsboro where he was going to be in an Easter Bunny parade. He asked to feel my hair....which I let him do. Then he told me he had Aspergers Syndrome and asked me if I knew what that was...I did but I let him tell me...... He also has Trichotillomania, which is a form of anxiety in children that manifests in them pulling out their eyelashes one by one. He said you know people make fun of me alot in school. I asked him what school he went to and it seemed to be a mainstream public school. He said it's not fun to be made fun of. He said he didn't like being different.
My heart absolutely broke and I shook off my pity party. I walked around the counter and sat down and told him that people made fun of me when I was younger for being fat and that it had really hurt my feelings but it had made me strong. He said "strong like a super hero" and I said yes. And that I have an anxiety disorder and I sometimes scratch my skin till it bleeds. He said so "you are weird like me".....I laughed and said that yes, I guess I am. But I like to think that it takes "all kinds of kinds" to make up this world....and we are just two of a kind. He liked that a lot. The little boy that doesn't like to be touched or to touch threw his arms around my neck and hugged me close. I looked up to see tears streaming down his mom and dads face.
Michael left me with tears of my own and a wooden bunny that he insisted I have. I can't imagine what he's going through at 8 years old that I think is killing me in my 30s...I have nothing to complain about. God works in mysterious ways and today He sent a crippled lamb to me to remind me of what I do have in life.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
The Letter
"I wrote you 365 letters. I wrote you a letter everyday for a year."-The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks (from Noah to Allie).
I love The Notebook....what a movie.....what a romance. Sigh. God, when you write my love story...can you PLEASE put a little of Noah's romance in there somewhere. But I digress this isn't about sappy movies or my pathetic love life. This is about the lost art of letter writing.
There was a lady who was a member of my church who sent every church member a birthday card every year. She sent all high school and college graduates money and a card upon their graduation. She used it as a ministry tool. She's now living the last years of her life in Maryland with her family...but she's still sending cards. Even though her handwriting's not as strong as it used to be. As well as her memory. But she still sends those cards.
I had a discussion last week with my Christian Counselor about how it hurts my feelings that I remember every detail of my friends lives: their marriages, anniversaries, bad days, good days, engagements, deaths, new jobs, a pick me up...you name it..I'm there. But do I get a "I'm sorry you failed your insurance test horribly" card....nope. Not a one. She said it's unfair of me to place my expectations on my friends. Hmmpphhh.
Warning: this is not a shameless ploy for mail. Do not go out and buy a card and start scrambling for my address. You will look pathetic. But thanks.
I love writing letters. I have an old-fashioned writing desk packed with stationary, cards, gel pens and stickers. I love HOLIDAYS. And I do remember every occasion. Easter cards are going out tomorrow. I hate email. Email is for work. It's for "hey, if you don't pay your road maintenance dues I'm going to hunt your butt down like Dog the Bounty Hunter"..it's for "hey, make an insurance payment". It's not for birthday wishes. All I'm saying is that it would be nice to receive a card....you know...a "I'm sorry you popped your cork in WalMart", or a "I'm sorry that with the health care system the way it is you can't get insurance due to your pre-existing condition card", or a "Glad your dog is 8" card. I don't want to receive an email or FB post one day that says "Hey, sorry you are on your deathbed" in the subject line.
I have a friend who I've been writing weekly for 20 years...and no, they aren't in prison. They used to live in the same town as me. We never saw each other in person or even talked on the phone but those letters came and went every week from the Hundred Acre Woods to Walker Cove Rd...probably 5 miles away. Now she is in SC and we still write. I also have a pen pal, in PA, that I've been writing since I was 11 (we once met in Myrtle Beach)...we met thru a pen pal magazine. When I was younger I had pen pals in Turkey, Austria and Hong Kong. My love for letter writing has been with me for a while.
A month ago I decided I was done with thinking about everyone else.....no more cards....who cares if their millionth child turned 4 or it was their 2nd marriages' 5th anniversary...not my problem!!!!!!!! I lasted 48 hours. Then I had to send a Snoopy encouragement card for a friend going thru a rough family time. I guess maybe sending cards and letters is my ministry because I can't imagine my life without it.....I have 4 non-Easter cards going out tomorrow (2 Thank You cards, 1 "sorry about the state of your marriage", and 1 "just because"). Maybe I'm more like Mrs. Elizabeth Sides than I thought. Not a bad comparison. In fact, it's quite a honor.
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Jealousy-Part 1
Jealousy is a strange thing. I have never really considered myself jealous...envious maybe but not jealous. But it hit today with a vengeance. With the main man in my life...Boo Radley the 100lb lab.
He has a girlfriend....a 13 year German Shepard named Sheba (she's deaf, blind and a little-mannish). Her mom and dad are summer residents in the Hundred Acre Woods. She's not what I would have picked for him....I would have picked a fluffy Golden Retriever or a Yellow Lab....someone a touch more girly. But when he walks down her road....he struts...it's like he's making a turn at Westminster. His head is held high, his chest puffed out....he gives a smart little bark when he sees her and whines when he doesn't.
Today he was bound and determined to go for a walk....he stopped by his shelf and picked up a bandanna....he likes to look his best. I put back the Halloween Spider theme and convinced him that Eggs and Bunnies was definitely the way to go....spritzed him behind the ears with some Mutt Mist. And off we went.
We didn't even go near Sheba's....he left the Hundred Acre Woods and turned right. Down the road we went until we stopped at a driveway.....he stopped dead in his tracks. Sometimes my dear sweet dog has the personality of an angel...other times he's stubborn as a mule and grouchy as Walter Matthieu in Dennis the Menace. He's not a big fan of strangers and is very territorial so I couldn't believe he was stopping at a strangers house. But apparently it wasn't a strange house.
He barrelled up the driveway...you try controlling a 100lb dog on a leash. The door opened and this girl came bounding out. I took the leash off Rad since he was determined to visit with her...I braced myself for the inevitable ferocious barking but........this girl sat down and said "oh Radley, you've come again". Not exaggerating here. I walked up and introduced myself.....her name is Oksana. She's from the Ukraine. She's met Rad walking my brother before. Radley is all over her....she's oohing and ahhhing. Talking about his bloodlines, his bone structure, the color of his fur, the "pure beauty that is he" (she totally said that...because I can assure you I wouldn't). I decided that I had had enough of this and told Radley that is was time to go...he turned and snapped his teeth at me (the universal signal for shut up). He throws his paws on her shoulders and gives her a big wet lick right across the mouth. At this point I couldn't stand it.....I was so green with JEALOUSY over my freaking dog that I did what any red-blooded girl would do.
I said he may have good bloodlines and fur but he still eats....
cat shit.
That put a damper on her kissing parade. I drug Rad down the driveway....he looked over his shoulder the entire time...whining. It was a scene.
Jealous.....over a dog. We aren't going that way again.
He has a girlfriend....a 13 year German Shepard named Sheba (she's deaf, blind and a little-mannish). Her mom and dad are summer residents in the Hundred Acre Woods. She's not what I would have picked for him....I would have picked a fluffy Golden Retriever or a Yellow Lab....someone a touch more girly. But when he walks down her road....he struts...it's like he's making a turn at Westminster. His head is held high, his chest puffed out....he gives a smart little bark when he sees her and whines when he doesn't.
Today he was bound and determined to go for a walk....he stopped by his shelf and picked up a bandanna....he likes to look his best. I put back the Halloween Spider theme and convinced him that Eggs and Bunnies was definitely the way to go....spritzed him behind the ears with some Mutt Mist. And off we went.
We didn't even go near Sheba's....he left the Hundred Acre Woods and turned right. Down the road we went until we stopped at a driveway.....he stopped dead in his tracks. Sometimes my dear sweet dog has the personality of an angel...other times he's stubborn as a mule and grouchy as Walter Matthieu in Dennis the Menace. He's not a big fan of strangers and is very territorial so I couldn't believe he was stopping at a strangers house. But apparently it wasn't a strange house.
He barrelled up the driveway...you try controlling a 100lb dog on a leash. The door opened and this girl came bounding out. I took the leash off Rad since he was determined to visit with her...I braced myself for the inevitable ferocious barking but........this girl sat down and said "oh Radley, you've come again". Not exaggerating here. I walked up and introduced myself.....her name is Oksana. She's from the Ukraine. She's met Rad walking my brother before. Radley is all over her....she's oohing and ahhhing. Talking about his bloodlines, his bone structure, the color of his fur, the "pure beauty that is he" (she totally said that...because I can assure you I wouldn't). I decided that I had had enough of this and told Radley that is was time to go...he turned and snapped his teeth at me (the universal signal for shut up). He throws his paws on her shoulders and gives her a big wet lick right across the mouth. At this point I couldn't stand it.....I was so green with JEALOUSY over my freaking dog that I did what any red-blooded girl would do.
I said he may have good bloodlines and fur but he still eats....
cat shit.
That put a damper on her kissing parade. I drug Rad down the driveway....he looked over his shoulder the entire time...whining. It was a scene.
Jealous.....over a dog. We aren't going that way again.
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Musings and Ponderings
I've been struggling recently with why I've had to lose my best friend of 10 years to another woman (the friend is a guy). They are engaged. He's kept it a secret from me for 3 years. His claim....I never asked so he didn't tell. Interesting, huh?? I've questioned all that I've done for him through the years....I swore no love interest would come above him in my life because look at all we had been thru together. But indeed...a "she" came between us. A "she" with baggage. A "she" that he has no plans to introduce me too. He's started a new life...a life that doesn't involve talking to me everyday or being concerned with my life. It hurts because deep down I thought he was "the one"...he just didn't realize it yet. It occured to me today that maybe He has moved "him" out of my life to make room for a forever best friend. Maybe I shouldn't look at it as an ending but more as a beginning.....yet remembering the memories.
I want to know that I'm going to be somebody's choice. I'd like to know when I'm going to be somebody's choice.
Everyday starts and ends the same. I need to accept it, stop hoping for something more.
When will I get my "happily ever after".......
I want to know that I'm going to be somebody's choice. I'd like to know when I'm going to be somebody's choice.
Everyday starts and ends the same. I need to accept it, stop hoping for something more.
When will I get my "happily ever after".......
Friday, March 23, 2012
Warning TMI Alert!!
"I am profoundly and irreversibly screwed up"....Runaway Bride
So this may be my last post about the weird things that panic does to you....for awhile...or at least till I get some new hangups. I have a thing with my temperature. I feel like my temperature is important to be checked. Now I haven't had a temperature in years but I carry a thermometer in my purse...can't explain it....don't know why. I used to check my temp 4 or 5 times a day..always normal...unlike me. :) But since I've become slightly more stable....I don't check it. Haven't checked it in months. Weird, huh??? If I ever had to empty my purse at a security checkpoint I would probably be arrested. And then there is the poop......now I know when you all read this on FB...this is really going to make you say...."this girl has totally lost her freaking mind" but I read somewhere recently that if you can't laugh at your own crazy messed up s***, what can you laugh at. So feel free to laugh...it's funny. I laugh. Under times of extreme stress...I become obsessed with my poop. Size, shape, frequency, color....you name it. If it's floating I'm convinced my gallbladder is going to burst....if it's not floating, my iron is low. I tortured my family for months to look at my "production" if you will......you would have thought that this would have clued them in that my "cheese was sliding off my cracker" but no they looked and assured me that "while I was gross it was fine". I've been known to take a picture or two and send it to my best friend to see if she thinks it looks all right....goodness knows that girl needs the "best friend in the world" award. And you wouldn't believe what happened after I ate the Incredible Hulk cupcakes with black and LIME GREEN icing at a little cousins birthday......I almost went to the emergency room because I thought I had worms. WARNING: artificial colorings make everything colored. So anyway...panic gives you great little hangups that would make me a star on those TLC shows called "Extreme Obsessions" and "Extreme Addictions"...but the good news is that I now know that this behavior, while incredibly wacky, is just how I deal with stress. BTW, poop problem is virtually gone. I was "set up" once with a guy with panic disorder....you would have thought we would have been a match made in crazy paradise....but no. While I am perfectly fine posting on FB that I'm obsessed with my poop...he wouldn't admit to his hang-ups. We texted for several weeks and were going to meet until IT happened. I stumbled on his hangup by accident......he had been sick for several days...so I simply made a comment that I would have made to anyone. I said "You should probably go to the doctor, if you have strep throat you could die"...ok, so it was probably a touch dramatic...but please. Well.......guess what.. he was paranoid of death. He changed his numbers and I never heard from him again. And then I went to the panic/depression/anxiety/ocd/emotional disorder support group/dating event.....MMMMMEEERRRCCCCCYYYYYY!!! I just thought I had problems...I came out of that mess feeling like a brand new woman. For the most part...people can't see my hangups and for that I'm grateful. They used to bother me, but like my condition.,....it's a part of me....I can't change it but I can accept it. I read a billboard today about bullying....it said "same kind of different as me"....I like that. That's me. Different.
So this may be my last post about the weird things that panic does to you....for awhile...or at least till I get some new hangups. I have a thing with my temperature. I feel like my temperature is important to be checked. Now I haven't had a temperature in years but I carry a thermometer in my purse...can't explain it....don't know why. I used to check my temp 4 or 5 times a day..always normal...unlike me. :) But since I've become slightly more stable....I don't check it. Haven't checked it in months. Weird, huh??? If I ever had to empty my purse at a security checkpoint I would probably be arrested. And then there is the poop......now I know when you all read this on FB...this is really going to make you say...."this girl has totally lost her freaking mind" but I read somewhere recently that if you can't laugh at your own crazy messed up s***, what can you laugh at. So feel free to laugh...it's funny. I laugh. Under times of extreme stress...I become obsessed with my poop. Size, shape, frequency, color....you name it. If it's floating I'm convinced my gallbladder is going to burst....if it's not floating, my iron is low. I tortured my family for months to look at my "production" if you will......you would have thought that this would have clued them in that my "cheese was sliding off my cracker" but no they looked and assured me that "while I was gross it was fine". I've been known to take a picture or two and send it to my best friend to see if she thinks it looks all right....goodness knows that girl needs the "best friend in the world" award. And you wouldn't believe what happened after I ate the Incredible Hulk cupcakes with black and LIME GREEN icing at a little cousins birthday......I almost went to the emergency room because I thought I had worms. WARNING: artificial colorings make everything colored. So anyway...panic gives you great little hangups that would make me a star on those TLC shows called "Extreme Obsessions" and "Extreme Addictions"...but the good news is that I now know that this behavior, while incredibly wacky, is just how I deal with stress. BTW, poop problem is virtually gone. I was "set up" once with a guy with panic disorder....you would have thought we would have been a match made in crazy paradise....but no. While I am perfectly fine posting on FB that I'm obsessed with my poop...he wouldn't admit to his hang-ups. We texted for several weeks and were going to meet until IT happened. I stumbled on his hangup by accident......he had been sick for several days...so I simply made a comment that I would have made to anyone. I said "You should probably go to the doctor, if you have strep throat you could die"...ok, so it was probably a touch dramatic...but please. Well.......guess what.. he was paranoid of death. He changed his numbers and I never heard from him again. And then I went to the panic/depression/anxiety/ocd/emotional disorder support group/dating event.....MMMMMEEERRRCCCCCYYYYYY!!! I just thought I had problems...I came out of that mess feeling like a brand new woman. For the most part...people can't see my hangups and for that I'm grateful. They used to bother me, but like my condition.,....it's a part of me....I can't change it but I can accept it. I read a billboard today about bullying....it said "same kind of different as me"....I like that. That's me. Different.
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