Groupon Addiction

It's official...I'm "outting" my mother.  Ever since she retired she has become addicted to Groupon, Asheville Deals, DealChick and any other online coupon source she can find.  At first it was innocent purchases.......a few restaurant gift certificates, something from the office supply store BUT now she's gone to far.  Now I'm monitoring her Groupon purchases.....it's either that or we are putting her in a home.

Several months ago I mentioned that I would love to have a hot stone massage.....so for Valentines Day....I got a Groupon for one.  She's been after me ever since to make the "appointment before the coupon expires".....by the way, that would be 2 years from now.  Anyway, last Friday I decided to make the appointment.  I called up the number.....I needed evening or weekend hours.  A very calm sounding lady answered the phone and started telling me the process.  We decided on this Sunday at 10......then she say (or so I thought) "how far away are you"...so I said 20 minutes.  She said...."you are 20 minutes away from giving birth".....ummmmm, no.  So I took this opportunity to ask the name of the spa.....Spa Materna....as in maternal, maternity, mother, birth, PREGNANT.  She asked when my baby was due....this is when I decided we needed to slow things down a bit.  I explained that my mother bought me the Groupon thinking it was for a regular hot stone massage.....by this point I had visited Spa Materna online and found out that I can have my fertility stimulated (let's don't), stopped (probably already has), my pregnancy can be assisted by a midwife or a doula (had to look that one up), it could help my post-partum depression....pretty much every issue I don't have.  Well the lady on the phone took it all in stride...gave me the directions and said it would be no problem.....I could have a normal massage....and leave with fertility intact.  So then I called the Groupon Goddess and asked her if she happened to notice the name of the spa.....she said "why, no".  I mentioned the name...and told her about it....she giggle hysterically and said "well, they didn't say they were for pregnant people".....my argument......the name SPA MATERNA. 

So Sunday at 10...me and my reproductive organs are going to get stimulated.......thanks Mom!!!

I wish....

I wish....people were as thoughtful towards me as I am towards them.
I wish....people could see me from the inside out...not the outside in.
I wish....I could turn back time.
I wish....my heart didn't break so easily.
I wish....anxiety/panic had never entered my life.
I wish....alcoholism didn't have a place in my family.
I wish....I was tougher.
I wish....I didn't care.
I wish....I could truly know happiness.
I wish....I could count on my friends as much as they count on me.
I wish....I could disappoint people as easily as they disappoint me.
I wish....I wasn't the one who is always there....
I wish....someone was always there for me.
I wish....that I wasn't envious or jealous.
I wish....that my heart's desire would come true.
I wish....that someone I miss would miss me.
I wish....that one of these wishes would come true.

I wish....alot.

A Puzzle Piece....

I feel like a jigsaw puzzle...but something is missing.  That final piece that makes everything right and forms a beautiful picture......
The elusive piece that may have been left out of the box by the Creator....
Makes me hate puzzles.

Vanilla Soy

Yesterday I went to Ultimate Ice Cream to beat the heat....I had to wait in line forever....so while I waited I mentally gave people in line ice cream names based on my impression of them and what they ordered.  I know, weird.  But it killed time.

The girl in front of me had olive skin, long dark hair and an earth tone maxi dress....she was with a vertically challenged olive skin guy wearing a wife beater shirt and flip flops.  She didn't look like she was breaking a sweat even though it was over a 100 degrees outside.  One scoop chai with lemon berry syrup.....a little exotic and trendy.  I had no "feel" for him but he ended up with maple bacon vanilla in a waffle cone. 

Another girl was wearing 4 inch hot pink platform heels with white booty-brushing shorts and a hot pink tank top....overly processed hair....overly tanned.....over the top.  Raspberry Chocolate with Marshmallow Fluff.

A girl wearing khaki capris..with a 3/4 length black gap sweater (100 degrees outside)...espadrille sandals...black glasses....book by Hemingway in hand....hair slicked back in a perfect pony tail....one scoop coffee.

Oddly enough my predictions were pretty much spot on......

And then there was me.......denim capris.....blue and pink converse tennis shoes with hot pink ribbon shoestrings....pink shirt...matching jewelry.  Face blotchy from the heat and sun.  Nose and allergies all to pieces.  Hair frizzy and hard to handle.  Yep, vanilla soy.  Vanilla soy that I had to eat in enough time to make it home in exactly 20 minutes....or risk unseemly consequences.

Why can't I be the exotic chai or the sensible coffee or the flirty raspberry....


No.....I'm vanilla soy.  Plain old boring vanilla (lactose intolerant and apparently soy intolerant) soy.