A minor victory.........
Today I went to WalMart.......and here is the victory. No panic attack, no meltdown, no WalMart "emergency kit" (bottled water, pills, emergency pills, gum)...nothing.
My victories are small....but the finish line is near.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Hateful for the Holidays
I'm suffering from a case of the "mads". I'm mad at everyone and everything. So, in the spirit of Christmas and all that it entails let me just tell you about my last two weeks...in no particular order.
1. Screwed out of vacation days by my boss.
2. My health "benefits" which start in January (after being without any for over a year) will be $380 a month....practically my whole check. I'm beginning to question the ethics of my current employer. I feel like I always have to be on my game to make sure he's not doing it for his benefit rather than mine.
3. I don't even know if I like the insurance business.....I mean do I really care if a persons log splitter was stolen from their front yard and if homeowners covers that?? And the difference between hardy board plank and just plain wood. Who gives a rip?? And the fact that I spend most of my day, that I should be selling and earning a commission, calling people who are perpetually late on their insurance. My favorite excuse was on Friday.....the man's response was ...it's Christmas, we aren't going to pay this month. Now I've never been given the impression from my auto insurance company that I had the option to "not pay".
4. Last week I had a long time "friend" who I've listened to every detail of her life with her boyfriend and how miserable she is...tell me that she think I make up my panic/anxiety disorder to get attention. And that if I were to just grow up...move out and get my own life...I would be normal. Try moving out and being normal when you have to pay $600 out of pocket for medications each month. And if I were going to pick something to "USE TO GET ATTENTION" it sure wouldn't be panic or anxiety. To be honest these comments from her really devastated me. Another friend keeps putting distance between us...which gives me a complex.
5. I found a fabulous online support group for anxiety/panic/depression/ocd/ptsd disorders....I made some great friends and even thought I had found a potential "man". Yeah...no. It seems that I'm "too outspoken and positive with my disorder" and practically everything I said "triggered this one person's anxiety" so she took it upon herself to private message me and tell me that my comments bothered her and that maybe I should consider private messaging people or talking to my doctor. First of all, nothing I said was offensive at all. If anything I was trying to get some of the people in the group to look on the "sunny side of life" and to stop being so negative. Yes, I do realize I'm being all kinds of negative in the blog. Leave me alone. I didn't talk to them like I do you. I gave them the watered down MurphyGirl. So this lady and I bickered back and forth via private messaging when I realized I had joined this group for support and within the past 2 months the same woman had verbally attacked me over things she "felt"-- well how about how I "felt". So even though the group meant alot to me and I made some great friend....I exited it this week. Also the potential "man"....a player. With an assortment of phobias and disorders. I really miss the support group....but how can I be a member of a group that criticizes everything I say. The good news is that I friended alot of them on FB so I can still talk to the "true friends" and one girl and I with similar problems text everyday. It's like we've known each other for ever.
6. Just a month ago I was telling my psychiatrist that things were going great in my life. I was in a good place...feeling good and happy. Now, not so much. I'm miserable....the holidays have always been hard for me. Christmas 2009....I sat in the middle of the worst panic attack of my life as my family opened presents....and I pretended like nothing was happening. I literally thought I was dying. The two things I want most for Christmas I can't have.....they can't be bought. And oddly enough...unlike all the people in the support group...I wouldn't choose to be rid of my "disorder" (cue the eerie music). I want to love and be loved and have a child. But those things will never happen for me. So I'm the scrooge this Christmas....I'm not sending Christmas cards...just not into any of it at all.
7. I hate...well, I can't say that....but I greatly detest my sibling. His choices in life have made my life utterly miserable and have caused a lot of the struggles that I deal with each day. So when my stressful day of work is over.....I don't come home to a relaxing household.....I come home to him and is a-z encyclopedia of issues.
8. I have never felt as alone as I do right now....I feel like I've lost alot of friends. So my depression is growing. And this is not a call for help or anything stupid like that. I'm just in a mood.
Well, that's it.
Sincerely
The Grinch from Black Mountain
1. Screwed out of vacation days by my boss.
2. My health "benefits" which start in January (after being without any for over a year) will be $380 a month....practically my whole check. I'm beginning to question the ethics of my current employer. I feel like I always have to be on my game to make sure he's not doing it for his benefit rather than mine.
3. I don't even know if I like the insurance business.....I mean do I really care if a persons log splitter was stolen from their front yard and if homeowners covers that?? And the difference between hardy board plank and just plain wood. Who gives a rip?? And the fact that I spend most of my day, that I should be selling and earning a commission, calling people who are perpetually late on their insurance. My favorite excuse was on Friday.....the man's response was ...it's Christmas, we aren't going to pay this month. Now I've never been given the impression from my auto insurance company that I had the option to "not pay".
4. Last week I had a long time "friend" who I've listened to every detail of her life with her boyfriend and how miserable she is...tell me that she think I make up my panic/anxiety disorder to get attention. And that if I were to just grow up...move out and get my own life...I would be normal. Try moving out and being normal when you have to pay $600 out of pocket for medications each month. And if I were going to pick something to "USE TO GET ATTENTION" it sure wouldn't be panic or anxiety. To be honest these comments from her really devastated me. Another friend keeps putting distance between us...which gives me a complex.
5. I found a fabulous online support group for anxiety/panic/depression/ocd/ptsd disorders....I made some great friends and even thought I had found a potential "man". Yeah...no. It seems that I'm "too outspoken and positive with my disorder" and practically everything I said "triggered this one person's anxiety" so she took it upon herself to private message me and tell me that my comments bothered her and that maybe I should consider private messaging people or talking to my doctor. First of all, nothing I said was offensive at all. If anything I was trying to get some of the people in the group to look on the "sunny side of life" and to stop being so negative. Yes, I do realize I'm being all kinds of negative in the blog. Leave me alone. I didn't talk to them like I do you. I gave them the watered down MurphyGirl. So this lady and I bickered back and forth via private messaging when I realized I had joined this group for support and within the past 2 months the same woman had verbally attacked me over things she "felt"-- well how about how I "felt". So even though the group meant alot to me and I made some great friend....I exited it this week. Also the potential "man"....a player. With an assortment of phobias and disorders. I really miss the support group....but how can I be a member of a group that criticizes everything I say. The good news is that I friended alot of them on FB so I can still talk to the "true friends" and one girl and I with similar problems text everyday. It's like we've known each other for ever.
6. Just a month ago I was telling my psychiatrist that things were going great in my life. I was in a good place...feeling good and happy. Now, not so much. I'm miserable....the holidays have always been hard for me. Christmas 2009....I sat in the middle of the worst panic attack of my life as my family opened presents....and I pretended like nothing was happening. I literally thought I was dying. The two things I want most for Christmas I can't have.....they can't be bought. And oddly enough...unlike all the people in the support group...I wouldn't choose to be rid of my "disorder" (cue the eerie music). I want to love and be loved and have a child. But those things will never happen for me. So I'm the scrooge this Christmas....I'm not sending Christmas cards...just not into any of it at all.
7. I hate...well, I can't say that....but I greatly detest my sibling. His choices in life have made my life utterly miserable and have caused a lot of the struggles that I deal with each day. So when my stressful day of work is over.....I don't come home to a relaxing household.....I come home to him and is a-z encyclopedia of issues.
8. I have never felt as alone as I do right now....I feel like I've lost alot of friends. So my depression is growing. And this is not a call for help or anything stupid like that. I'm just in a mood.
Well, that's it.
Sincerely
The Grinch from Black Mountain
Monday, December 3, 2012
I've been high-jacked....
So today I couldn't find my blog....yep that's right, I lost my own personal blog. In my small, sad defense....I haven't been on here a while. But while I was searching the zillions of possibilities I stumbled upon another MurphyGirl living a fabulous life in NY. Her blog is interactive, has pictures, video, music etc. She stole my name and my fabulous life. It's like identity theft in blog-world. How can the MurphyGirl of BM, North Carolina (just in case I have an online stalker, I like to limit the possibilities) compete with fabulous NY MurphyGirl talking about flirting with single men over mojitos. And her corporate job in the "pretty building"...her words, not mine.....I'm ticked. Plus she's ruined my blog entry for tonight. I've already been name-jacked.....my online business that no one buys anything from.......yep, someone stole that name too. How can I be original when I'm now in competition.
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