I Have a Panic/Anxiety Disorder and I'm Glad???

I have a Panic/Anxiety Disorder.

I think it started mildly in college and just slowly got worse and worse until BAM my cheese slid off my cracker.  It was to the point of no turning back.  What was my little secret wasn't a secret anymore.  I couldn't hide it.  I shook constantly...I cried continuously...I had crazy thoughts...I had crazy symptoms.  I thought I had tumors, I thought I had worms (don't ask), I thought I had cancer, I thought I had an ulcer, I thought my intestines had been blocked, I thought my throat was swelling shut, I thought I had a heart murmur....I went to the ER like it was my PCP.  I went to her too.  I was checked out from head to toe and from toe to head.  I carried so many bags of poop to the GI doctor...I wanted to be tested for the West Nile virus...never mind I rarely go outside.  My vision blurred so I was convinced I was going blind...I couldn't sleep...I couldn't focus....I couldn't tell anyone.  Why??  They would totally think I was nuts.  I don't know why that bothered me...everything I listed above was weird but I still did it.  Driving in my car made my arms tense up...I would grit my teeth....I would hold onto the steering wheel like my life depended on it.  I was depressed.  To use a fabulous southern phrase....I didn't know whether to "shit or go crazy" but trust me I was doing alot of both.

Then I sought a therapist or two...got some nifty medication and got a grip!!

So yes, I have a panic/anxiety disorder but it doesn't have me.  I go to my therapist and vent and cry and scream.  I have pity-parties.  There are days when I'm a negative Nellie...and there are days when I'm a positive Penny.  I don't scratch myself till I bleed anymore....I don't sit outside in the middle of the night thinking that being out in the "wide open" will help me breathe better.  I still have the fun symptoms I listed above and some I haven't mentioned but now....I just roll with them.  I have Panic/Anxiety Disorder as my trusted and constant companion, as my lens through which to see the world.  It is as definitive as my country accent or my birthmark on my shoulder.  Sometimes it gets out of control.  But it is part of my genetic makeup, which I see as a gift. 

I have faith that it happened for a reason...more on that later.  I have a circle of friends who know and accept me, a therapist who cares, a relationship with my mother that I never had expected.  I've started this blog where I candidly discuss the good, the bad, the ugly and the poop.  The old Angie would never have done that.  I've stopped asking "why me" or looking for reasons of "what I did wrong"....I'll never know.  Yes, it may have a lot to do with my perfectionistic nature and the way I was raised but what can I do now...but go with the flow.  Instead of visiting the ER I write in my journal or pet my dog......I have some prescriptions.  Hopefully one day I'll just have empty bottles as a reminder of where I was and how far I've come but for now I need the meds. 

My "disorder" has made me stronger and REAL.  There's nothing "real-er" than talking about poop on FB.  Almost a year ago today I walked out on a job that made me physically and emotionally miserable.  I took a leap of faith.  I left behind insurance...good pay and stability.  It was the craziest thing I had ever done.  I felt beat down by my employer...I had lost the ability to care...my drive was gone....and their concern for me was gone.  The girl that I was would never have "up and quit her job in the middle of the day" but this girl would.  This girl told them "see ya"....it was a little more dramatic but let's face it...I'm dramatic.  For 6 months I worked 2 part time jobs...cat-sit...and sold all kinds of personal "stuff" to make it.  In the meantime I decided I was going to spend this year with no FEAR.  I started a bucket list and I've crossed a number of things off.  I found a new challenging job.  Well, actually it found me.  And you know what.....I'm good at it.  It upsets me sometimes because I still want to be perfect and I'm making mistakes but they appreciate me and like me.  They don't make me feel like nothing I ever do is right.  I can stand up to my new boss and say what I want and he respects that.  Nobody is putting this girl in the corner again....I've always wanted to say that.  I will never be put in a situation where I'm that miserable again.  I fight for what I think is right.  I speak my mind and say what I think.  I have panic attacks at WalMart.  I talk about my poop on Facebook.  I worry about food poisoning.  I "run away" occasionally.  But I'm strong.  I'm brave.  And I'm not going to let a little panic break me. 

I'm not ashamed.  I'm not embarrassed.  It's not the life I would have chosen for myself.  I definitely wouldn't wish it on someone else.  But I have it.  And I'm dealing....one day at a time.  Some days are easier than others....some days require a little more medication....some days require a little more prayer. 

Banking, Insurance and Dating.....

So yesterday I had my monthly meeting with my psychiatrist....yes, it's true!!  I'm officially crazy.  I affectionately refer to him as the "crazy doctor".  Nice man...really like him.  With him I can let "my crazy hang out"...no holding back.  So, I'm not going to lie...I've had a rough 6 weeks since my last visit with him.  Lots of work stress, personal life stress...worries about no health insurance and the bird flu....worries about how I'll be stuck living with my brother for the rest of my days...worried about worrying....worried about my floating poop....worrying about my dog who was limping...worrying about how watching Hoarders upsets me...worrying about how it bothers me when people mix the play-doh colors.  Where was I.  Anyway....I lost control with him and ended up being a crying, sobbing, shuddering mess.....and I'm not a pretty crier.  You know a crier that just has tears streaming down their face.  No, not me.  I'm the one that's face turns red and striped...rather zebra like....I'm all snotty and belligerent.  It's a good thing I pay him so much to sit and watch me cry.  Anyway, I'm kind of torn with this post.  Do I be completely honest with something that's bothering me at the risk of hurting one of my friends who could potentially read this or do I just keep it inside like a festering boil....eating away at me. 

Fester away boil....I can't do it.  But I told him.  And I also told him that I'm feeling so frustrated at my new job.  I was the top salesperson at the job that I previously held at a financial institution....I didn't like how my career was not progressing so I moved on.  Well, now I'm a selling machine.  I live to sell.  I'm like a barracuda.  I could sell an igloo to an Eskimo for twice the going price....I completely have the makings to be a used car salesman but I digress.  ......  my issue was an upcoming event that I don't have an escort too.  I don't even want to go to the event.  It's nothing personal...just another reminder that I'm alone and since I'm not in a "good place" right now...I just felt it was better not to attend...but guilt has grabbed a hold of me...so I'm going.  I was telling my doc....let's call him Dr. Who...that I'm tired of being the token "old maid"...and that I couldn't find a man if I advertised on Craigslist...well I probably could but then I would end up on Snapped or Dateline.  He's adamant about the online dating scene....I've tried it.....visited Christian Mingle (ummmm....not sure that everyone there is a Christian or if they are there are different interpretations of "mingle")...did eHarmony free weekend and got matched up with a quadriplegic (bless his heart)....tried match.com and ended up with a relative.  So no more.  His answer now.  If I put as much effort into finding a man as I do selling insurance, or selling bank products, or selling jewelry....I'll be married before the year is up.  So I guess tomorrow when I pick up the phone to cold call for insurance....I'll throw in a "hi, I'm single...how about you?'.........sigh.

Me, Karla Faye Tucker and Best Buy

I created a stir at Best Buy today.....I'd like to say in a good way but as always I'm a disaster waiting to happen.  Now before I get to Karla Faye....let me just say that Best Buy gives me a panic attack....it's like a Junior WalMart.  Too many bright fluorescent lights and employees running around in man-cut polo shirts asking to help me.....merely walking thru the door brings me to a cold sweat.  But I was forced too because I had a little electronics issue....I always have electronic issues.

Things were going fine....fabulous, actually....until the Geek Squad decided to clear my browser history.  I was breathing fine...staying calm, cool and collected.  Now I know what you all are going to think- that boring, prudish Murph had porn or something of that nature on my browser because what else would make the Geek Squad suddenly call for assistance and look at me as if I were nuts but no.....it was Karla Faye Tucker. 

A couple of weeks ago when I was working at the bookstore I saw a DVD about Karla Faye...looked interesting, but I wasn't interested enough to buy it so I did what every red blooded American would do....I googled her.  Karla Faye Tucker was the first woman to be executed in the US since 1984 and the first woman in Texas since 1863....she killed several people with a pick axe.  She became a Christian and tried to get her sentence changed to life instead of the death penalty....and it was a huge deal...she even married the prison chaplain.  Pope John Paul II, Newt Gingrich and televangelist Pat Robertson even tried to help her......(now before people get all riled up I'm neither endorsing or not endorsing the above people....just telling my story).  The last words she said while she was getting her lethal injections were "i'll see you all in heaven one day"....

Well, I love a good murder mystery/serial killer drama.....I live for Snapped on Oxygen and 48 Hours Mystery and Nancy Grace.  I love reading True Crime novels and mysteries.  Lifetime is my friend.

So anyway as most googlers know....once you read about one thing they suggest other topics which led me to Betty Lou Beets.  The Black Widow.  Oddly enough she was also from Texas....she killed 3 out of 5 of her husbands and also died of lethal injection.  And then came Lynda Lyon Block from Alabama...she killed an Opelika police officer and was put to death for it.  And did you know that each person that goes to "the chair" gets a last meal request and gets to pick 5 people to view it.  Which led me to Rhonda Belle Martin, also from Alabama, who poisoned her 5th husband who was also her former son-in-law.  Then came me looking up stats on the electric chair and hangings and the Salem Witch Trials.  I admit it's a little strange....but I had some time on my hands.  I also bought a pair of shoes that night so my whole evening wasn't filled with serial killers. 

But sadly....all this happened right after the tragedy in Colorado....(which I am  in no way downplaying or trying to draw attention too)....so when I took my laptop, covered in Vera Bradley adhesive polka dots.....while wearing a big polka-dot bow in my hair...covered from head-to-toe in  a monogrammed necklace, ring and purse combo..wearing Converse sneakers with hot pink ribbon laces...the Geek Squad apparently decided I should be on the FBIs most wanted list.  Totally not kidding....the manager of the Geek Squad pulled me into the office to discuss my "browsing history"......so after I explained that I wasn't crazy (after going into a full-fledged panic attack in which the manager wanted to call for an ambulance)....well in a mass murder kind of way....just normal crazy....and that I really just got caught up in the world of Google all was right again.  So I narrowly escaped being the headline on WLOS....my computer has a cookie issue......I wish I had some cookies....and why does this stuff happen to me.

Clear your browsers people......moral of the story.