Reason or a Season...

This year I've realized the truth around the phrase......"sometimes friends come into your life for a reaon and some for a season".  It appears I have quite a few seasonal friends.  Maybe it's just I set my expectations for friends so high because that's what I give to my friends....when they need me I give them my all.  When I need them....not so much.  It's hard.  I've lost two friends this year.....one I risked my job for along with other friendships....we haven't spoken in 2 months.  Another friend I'm losing to marriage.  It's rough.

Prior to signing on to my blog it said it was a known fraudulent page.  Figures...something else I enjoy down the tubes.

"And how would you like your bacon......?"

So last night one of my dearest friends was having a crisis....broken-hearted and feeling down...so I suggested dinner and retail therapy.  Off we went to IHOP for breakfast/dinner.  Now my friend is beautiful...inside and out.....but she has a terrific figure and is a MAN magnet.  Do you see where this is going yet?  Here's a clue....I'm man REPELLENT.  Our waiter, who is very attractive, takes my order first....waffle and bacon.....he turns to my friend....and she orders the same....he had already commented on her IPhone and talked about how he was going to take care of "us".....by "us" he meant her cause he never looked at me....so when she said she wanted bacon...he said "and how would you like your bacon cooked".....

Trivial I know.....but as he walked off I thought now why didn't he ask how I wanted my bacon.  So I listened to her problems being the good friend that I am....when he came back to check on her water glass....I said "excuse me, how come you didn't ask how I wanted my bacon".....deer in the headlights.  He quickly jerked out his little pad and said...."I'm sorry, how did you want your bacon cooked".  Now the point of my rant is not the bacon....because I love bacon no matter how it's cooked.  The point is that I'm tired of being invisible.  Just because I'm not as pretty as my friend or as thin....I get my bacon any old way.

This leads into another problem I have right now......when I left my old job....which I was made to feel like I had been fired....they wouldn't let me work a 2 week notice...made me leave immediately....I left for a reason.  I lied about the reason to keep it from hurting the institution I worked for.  I told everyone that I wanted to pursue other dreams...which was partly true....but the real truth was that I was tired of being screwed over by the people who worked there.  Year after year they made promises they never kept.  They got my hopes up for promotions....and I took different positions with the "promise" of something better if I just hung with them.....this went on for almost 13 years.  Then somehow I ended up on the "badlist"....you know....no matter what I did it was wrong.  So I left.....up and quit....never looked back.  When I was approached by my current employer....yes, that's right.....they approached me....I was made promises......after 4 months I'm scared that it's going to be another "boulevard of broken dreams".  My boss is out of town right now...today I emailed him and asked to meet with him next week about my concerns.

I'm tired of being Invisi-Girl.....I want my bacon cooked the way I like it and I want what was promised to me....is that too much to ask!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anxiety.......the heart of "me".

I try not to let Anxiety define me.....after all I kept it a secret for years before I was formally diagnosed.  I scratched my arms until I bled to stop the trembling and shaking....hoping the pain would chase away the panic.  But it just created more.  Panic that is.  Then I had to explain the scratches.  The scratches that left scars that will forever remind me of how bad some days/nights were.  Sometimes I beg God to just let me be normal again....but God isn't a wish granter....and maybe this is my "normal".  Somedays I can take my anxiety and laugh at my hangups.....like last week at the pharmacy when I went to pick up my meds and a lady with oozing poison ivy or leprosy plopped right up beside me on the counter showing her wounds.....now the pharmacy people know my germ hangups so they were laughing at the whole experience....I was too.  I couldn't get my debit card to work....had to take a panic pill before I even left but all in all the experience was pretty funny.  And then there was today when I went to an OCD/Panic/Anxiety/BiPolar/Depression/PTSD support group.......in my defense I was pretty bored.  But I do think it would be nice to have a friend that knows what it is like....kind of like AA...but for  crazies.  I was not going "looking for love in all the wrong places".....could you imagine...yikes.
But anyway even though I can get on here and tell all my neighbors, people I went to high school with and virtual strangers (even family members) all my business.. in that meeting today....I got so upset I thought I was going to lose my mind.  No pun intended.  I felt like I was on trial...lots of intrusive questions....lots of talk of medicines and what combinations they liked or didn't like.  I really didn't talk because I didn't agree with alot that was said......they were making it a pity-party.  Now don't get me wrong I love a good pity-party just as much as the next girl but I came here to meet people with my same issues and bond...not get depressed....I could have stayed home in my jammies for that.  So I decided it was time to make a break for it.....but unfortunately I was 10 people in on a row...so that was alot of "excuse mes"....I really wanted to sneak out with very little notice.  I waited a few more minutes and things just got worse....I wanted to jump off the building.  So finally I got up and headed to the door.  Then the unthinkable happened......the "proctor", "leader", "head nut" said "ma'am....we really don't like for people to leave during a session.  and you haven't really contributed to the discussion.  how can we help you if you don't participate".  So I slunk back into the room and said that while I enjoyed my time I really thought I was in a different place with my "disorder"....another person in the room stood up......and "confronted me".....Are you envisioning the Salem Witch Trials in your mind....if not prepare too.  The guy said, with a completely straight face, "don't you worry what will happen if you end up dead in a dumpster one day"......I don't know what possessed me (no pun intended with the earlier witch analogy) but I said (without missing a beat)...."well, I guess I won't have to worry about Anxiety anymore"....deathly quiet......nervous giggle from me....and off I went.  Guess they marked me off the guest list!!!  :)

I think it's my spleen.....

Or maybe it's the fact that my right baby toe is about to come loose from my foot.  I know I'm a raging hypochondriac....and working with the public doesn't do me any favors.  Btw, something is wrong with my little toe.  But it seems like when stress enters my life I obsess about random and far-reaching health issues.  Like the toe...that's swollen.  So I thought I could handle the new job...I love my co-workers and my new boss.  But I think I may be too stupid for insurance.  I admit....I'm a control freak.  But I didn't realized how bad it was until I embarked on my new career venture.  At the bank....I knew everything....I knew all the customers, every aspect of my job and of those around me....people called me for help.  People still call me for help.  I stopped by a branch on Friday and as a customer I had to help them....it was refreshing.  I wasn't the girl with the million questions or the million mistakes.....I was the smart girl.  I have a hard time being the stupid girl.  It's very overwhelming starting a new job.  Completely new.  The day goes by fast and I'm certainly being challenged unlike at the bank but I hate feeling dumb.  I don't know anything about roof lines or hardy board......or masonry veneer.  And I don't understand why when one family is past due on their insurance they go out and buy a new car they can't afford.  And I'm supposed to be selling life insurance hand over fist....people don't know me in Candler.  In Blk Mtn...I had a fan base....I was the one everybody loved....they flocked in to see me.  In Candler I'm nobody.  My toe hurts when I move it back and forth.  I keep thinking I'm doing better then a new crop of mistakes come up.  And then I wonder...is this what I was meant to do???  Was this my true calling???  All the money in the world and a company car wouldn't take me back to the bank...but I just don't know.  I have a hard time being stupid.  What happens if your little toe falls off??  And then I have a twitch in my right eye.  I feel like I was really talked up to my new boss...by a previous bank customer who referred me to the job...and I hate to think that I'm not meeting expectations.  It's very hard for me not being perfect.  I can do crazy....I have a hard time with stupid.  Further updates on the little toe "that cried weewee all the way home".

On a side note.......someone asked me how I could throw my life out there on the internet for everyone to read....I never really thought about it, but Susan Reinhardt from the Asheville paper had a good quote that sums it right up......"the most powerful writing is when you open up a vein and bleed".  So that's what I'm doing....I'm bleeding for all the world to see.  I'm not afraid to throw my crazy out there for everyone to read.....maybe it will help someone else with the same issues....it's helped me to get it off my chest.