The time has come to wean myself off my depression medication.....I would like to say it's because I've conquered depression (and maybe I have to a certain extent) but mainly it's financial and health reasons. When almost my entire paycheck went to the mail order pharmacy to pay for 90 days of medication I knew things had to change.....and then I realized that my depression meds were raising my blood pressure which led to more medicine.... definitely time for a change.
And so it began......I was at 120mg a day.....dropped down to 90mg....felt nothing. Actually I felt better than I did when I was taking the higher dose. And this is completely under my doctors supervision--no one panic (besides I do enough of that myself). I was on 90mg for 45 days and I dropped down to 60mg on Sunday......and the side effects have begun. I've done ok so far....the bone crushing headache is manageable....I briefly went onto the drug's website to look at the symptoms of withdrawal...confirmation.....no WebMD...no consulting every pharmacy in town. I did check my blood pressure...high. I'm having brain zaps....feels kind of like a jolt of electricity. And I'm okay with it. I'm not planning my funeral....worrying obsessively. I'm doing good. Because this is a step in the right direction....I've been through hell at the beginning of my diagnosis so I know that no matter what I go through now...it's nothing compared to what it was then. I've had bad allergies for the past week and I didn't even stress about it.
This year I've made a conscious effort to remove all negativity from my life....this has included people I thought were my good friends. But they weren't. They were holding me back, allowing me to wallow in my own negativity....bringing me down with their problems. They say you have friends for a season and friends for a reason.......well, those friends were here for a season. I'm keeping the friends I have for a reason. The friends that are there for me at my beautiful messy worst and at my laughing beautiful best. I'm torn right now with a friend that I've had for 13 years.....a friend that has always been there for me....in fact, they were once considered my "safe" friend.....for all of you stable people....a "safe" friend is someone that you can call night or day in the middle of a panic or anxiety attack and they'll always be there for you. This friend actually encouraged me to seek help for my disorder but now it appears our friendship has ended....but maybe that season is over. Whatever will happen...will happen. But for now I'm marking another milestone on my anxiety/panic journey......losing the meds.
I was kicked out of a support group for anxiety earlier this year....I was too positive...I choose to see my anxiety as a blessing. It's made me strong and brave. I don't sit back wallowing in pity (much)...I'm following my dreams and looking for new goals. And I'm dragging my crazy with me....proudly!!!
Thanks for being a part of my mess.
