So I have a team of medical professionals to assist me in this crazy little thing I call "my life". Not really a team.....just a super psychiatrist and his fabulous office manager/daughter and my christian counselor (who was officially fired tonight).
I started seeing her first....almost 4 years ago (hard to believe) when my world turned upside down. I saw an ad in the Black Mountain News that she was affordable. Good enough for me....for you see I wasn't "sick enough" or "willing to admit" that I needed "professional help with medication". Anyway her purpose was to help me to stop blaming God for punishing me....because I did, and sometimes I still do. She did good at first....she had an anxiety program that I completed and she taught me to journal and she did help me to see that God is helping me become stronger....but lately......I just feel like she's making me feel....well...worse.
Like tonight....I paid $50 and left in worse shape than I was in when I got there. She's very critical of my weight, my family, my job, my medications.....everything. I have critical views already. So after my appointment I marched back in there and broke up with her. I'm not going to pay $50 to feel worse.
Now don't get me wrong....I love therapy!! Everyone should do it......it's kind of nice to have someone sit and listen to you for an hour...with no expectations...I don't have to be nice...I don't have to be happy...I can cry....I can curse...I can sob. It's all about me. But I shouldn't come out feeling worse. So I took a stand tonight. I can get my affirmations about God from other sources......
Kind of a boring post, I know.......
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
Reality Check
So what....I have an anxiety disorder, depression and digestive disorders. Could be worse.
I could be like my strong 36 year old, recently remarried, mother of two....friend from college. Who today, had her right breast removed in her fight against Stage II breast cancer. She is handling it with such a positive attitude and putting all her trust and worries in God's hands. She is my new hero.
So I have no right to complain....none at all. For the next year she has to deal with chemo and radiation. She has a battle in life. I have a hiccup. I stood up for her at her first wedding....she went through a horrible, hurtful divorce....but then found the love of her life again. Her daughters are beautiful and so is she. If you are a fan of my blog.....and the praying sort....please pray for this strong smiling woman.
I could be like my strong 36 year old, recently remarried, mother of two....friend from college. Who today, had her right breast removed in her fight against Stage II breast cancer. She is handling it with such a positive attitude and putting all her trust and worries in God's hands. She is my new hero.
So I have no right to complain....none at all. For the next year she has to deal with chemo and radiation. She has a battle in life. I have a hiccup. I stood up for her at her first wedding....she went through a horrible, hurtful divorce....but then found the love of her life again. Her daughters are beautiful and so is she. If you are a fan of my blog.....and the praying sort....please pray for this strong smiling woman.
Monday, May 21, 2012
"Chronic"
at my last dr appt....the word "chronic" came up. don't get me wrong....I knew that people with Panic/Anxiety disorders rarely just "get better".....but "chronic" sounds so harsh, so permanent. some of the books I've read say that people can control their attacks through diet and exercise....no drugs at all....and their attacks get fewer and further in between when they learn to accept life and not fight the attacks. but I'm.....different. high-strung. sensitive. life is so much harder for me in some ways. I take things to heart too much. I over analyze...I think everyone else's reactions are a direct reflection of something I've said or done. I sacrifice my own feelings to not hurt someone else. one harsh word and i'm wounded for days. one wrong look and i'm devastated. i have nightmares and i'm prone to crying jags and good ol' hissy fits. i'm easily hurt by other peoples actions. "chronic"....such a small word for such a long time.
Sunday, May 20, 2012
Reflections on my last year......please...a recap at best...
So here it is again....the dreaded birthday eve......I've been thinking about the past birthday year...what I've accomplished and what I haven't......where I've been....etc.
Ok....start humming Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire".....
Hilton Head Island.....Charleston and meeting Sweet Baby Patrick for the first time....Pigeon Forge....Sweet revelations....Little League World Series and Orange County Choppers....Sweet first kiss....Quit the bank on a whim....Best thing I ever did....Panic Disorders and Anxiety Attacks.....Got a job at Silvery Moon...worked at Ridgecrest more...enjoyed my early mini-retirement immensely....WOW...Lost a 10 year friendship to lies (isn't that Days of Our Lives-ish)....Bad job interviews...Anxiety Attacks....a big yellow dog.....Rocking Chair Ridge...became the neighborhood pet sitter plus the "bill-collector" of all fees....Hilton Head Island....YUMMiness......Bad dates...Tea parties with delightful old ladies....Job interview with possibility???.......sold off all my treasured seasonal holiday bank decorations to re-invent the "new" Murph......Offered new job.....Hilton Head Island.....Endless hours spent studying for NC State Insurance Exams....tears....failure.....broken hearted.....jealousy......fatigue....anxiety....Started passing tests....excitement...glee....more studying....more Insurance classes.....fighting with insurance companies to get the medicine I need and can't afford....anxiety attacks....opened up to the Facebook community and to my family about my "secret" struggle with Panic/Anxiety Disorder with this blog......rough times....suicidal thoughts (it's true-and a reality for people with panic disorder).....Hilton Head Island....disappointments....disillusionment.....close family friends passed away....spoke at their funeral in front of literally 500 people if not more...no anxiety attacks....pre-speech or post-speech.....go figure.....can't go to WalMart without popping my cork but I totally rocked that funeral without any symptoms....working 7 days a week.....3 jobs....totally not where I'd thought I'd be at this point in my life.....resentment....hurt....frustrations with my new job....change is hard...sensitivity....azalea.....Ridgecrest....red velvet cake.....and to the next chapter...
Ok....start humming Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire".....
Hilton Head Island.....Charleston and meeting Sweet Baby Patrick for the first time....Pigeon Forge....Sweet revelations....Little League World Series and Orange County Choppers....Sweet first kiss....Quit the bank on a whim....Best thing I ever did....Panic Disorders and Anxiety Attacks.....Got a job at Silvery Moon...worked at Ridgecrest more...enjoyed my early mini-retirement immensely....WOW...Lost a 10 year friendship to lies (isn't that Days of Our Lives-ish)....Bad job interviews...Anxiety Attacks....a big yellow dog.....Rocking Chair Ridge...became the neighborhood pet sitter plus the "bill-collector" of all fees....Hilton Head Island....YUMMiness......Bad dates...Tea parties with delightful old ladies....Job interview with possibility???.......sold off all my treasured seasonal holiday bank decorations to re-invent the "new" Murph......Offered new job.....Hilton Head Island.....Endless hours spent studying for NC State Insurance Exams....tears....failure.....broken hearted.....jealousy......fatigue....anxiety....Started passing tests....excitement...glee....more studying....more Insurance classes.....fighting with insurance companies to get the medicine I need and can't afford....anxiety attacks....opened up to the Facebook community and to my family about my "secret" struggle with Panic/Anxiety Disorder with this blog......rough times....suicidal thoughts (it's true-and a reality for people with panic disorder).....Hilton Head Island....disappointments....disillusionment.....close family friends passed away....spoke at their funeral in front of literally 500 people if not more...no anxiety attacks....pre-speech or post-speech.....go figure.....can't go to WalMart without popping my cork but I totally rocked that funeral without any symptoms....working 7 days a week.....3 jobs....totally not where I'd thought I'd be at this point in my life.....resentment....hurt....frustrations with my new job....change is hard...sensitivity....azalea.....Ridgecrest....red velvet cake.....and to the next chapter...
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
"The Bacholerette" vs. "Old Yeller"
Since March, my life has revolved around studying senseless insurance facts round the clock for virtually test after test after test. Today was my last one and I passed....which is why I have time to share this little tidbit of wisdom with my followers. Last night I basically decided to "hell with it"....if I pass I pass....you know kind of like my college days. So I scanned the channels for some quality TV....
my choices were as follows: "Tin Cup" with Kevin Costner (which Charter must own the rights too because it is on every channel almost daily), both "Where the Red Fern Grows" and "Old Yeller" (not interested in doggie death dramas especially when one of them involves a yellow lab) and "The Bacholerette". Now I could have watched one of the thousands of ESPN channels....but I picked "The Bacholerette". Sigh. You know....I've never really been a fan, but I have been known to watch it, but last night just really got me. Little Miss Emily could get herself a man with that southern accent, that gorgeous body and that money.......she does not need to go on TV to find a man. Why don't they find a girl that really needs help finding a man?? A girl with flaws.....one with a zit. Or glasses. Or buck-teeth. Or a big butt. I mean, do they all have to be so perfect. And those "pretty boy" men.....if I were her........I would have eliminated half of them for being corny last night. For example, "I'm a biology teacher, but I want to have chemistry with you"....really. Next. And a helicopter entrance...let's get real. And a glass slipper that just happens to fit. Gag. Not one of those guys were a little pudgy, or bald, or unemployed or just plain "bless his heart". They were entrepreneurs, ad exes, a grain stimulator (had to look that one up)....and on and on. I want to see a Bacholerette that is real....maybe she has a couple pounds on her and drives a red honda and lives with her parents....I mean...I'm just saying. Maybe she has no idea what she wants to do with her life. But she would like to see some diversity among the "pretty boys"...some older, some younger, some "bless his hearts". Somebody that works down at Tractor Supply....just an example. Everybody doesn't have to be so freaking perfect. It was nauseating....so it was back to "Old Yeller".....you know...reality. A box of tissues later....I decided maybe reading about disability insurance wouldn't have been so bad.......
my choices were as follows: "Tin Cup" with Kevin Costner (which Charter must own the rights too because it is on every channel almost daily), both "Where the Red Fern Grows" and "Old Yeller" (not interested in doggie death dramas especially when one of them involves a yellow lab) and "The Bacholerette". Now I could have watched one of the thousands of ESPN channels....but I picked "The Bacholerette". Sigh. You know....I've never really been a fan, but I have been known to watch it, but last night just really got me. Little Miss Emily could get herself a man with that southern accent, that gorgeous body and that money.......she does not need to go on TV to find a man. Why don't they find a girl that really needs help finding a man?? A girl with flaws.....one with a zit. Or glasses. Or buck-teeth. Or a big butt. I mean, do they all have to be so perfect. And those "pretty boy" men.....if I were her........I would have eliminated half of them for being corny last night. For example, "I'm a biology teacher, but I want to have chemistry with you"....really. Next. And a helicopter entrance...let's get real. And a glass slipper that just happens to fit. Gag. Not one of those guys were a little pudgy, or bald, or unemployed or just plain "bless his heart". They were entrepreneurs, ad exes, a grain stimulator (had to look that one up)....and on and on. I want to see a Bacholerette that is real....maybe she has a couple pounds on her and drives a red honda and lives with her parents....I mean...I'm just saying. Maybe she has no idea what she wants to do with her life. But she would like to see some diversity among the "pretty boys"...some older, some younger, some "bless his hearts". Somebody that works down at Tractor Supply....just an example. Everybody doesn't have to be so freaking perfect. It was nauseating....so it was back to "Old Yeller".....you know...reality. A box of tissues later....I decided maybe reading about disability insurance wouldn't have been so bad.......
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Random and Somewhat Irksome Thoughts
Saw my psychiatrist this week.....and his daughter/office manager...great visit. In fact, he is the first doctor that I've really felt truly cares about me and my health. My christian counselor, who is supposed to help me to stop blaming God, just continues to rant and rave about me becoming addicted to my medications. Which is great thing to say to a worry-wart. My doctor did use a word that bothered me though...CHRONIC. My "condition" is chronic. I mean I knew that deep down but I guess I thought that one morning I would wake up and be "normal" again.
Realized I have a new hang-up during my first day in Hilton Head...I'm nervous about eating seafood down here. I realize that is insane because I eat it in the mountains...and who knows how long it has been sitting around or where it came from. But I had a real problem at dinner tonight. But I ate it and I'm still alive thus far.
This comment is probably going to bite me in the butt ....but when have I ever let that stop me before. Last night I made a comment on my Facebook page about how I was going to be glad to get away from "Ridgecrest, State Farm and the Silvery Moon (my 3 jobs), studying for insurance tests and dealing with grumpy homeowner association members (I'm the treasurer)...and I needed a break before they all shoved me over the edge." I felt that was a normal statement...not meant to hurt anyone...I wasn't bad mouthing Ridgecrest, SF or SM. Well someone close to one of these companies got very offended and vocal about what I said. Said I shouldn't be saying crap about people who are nice and just trying to run a business.....the person just kept on and on. I took the post down and blocked her as a friend. But it has continued to bother me....first, I think she'll probably tell the owners of the business and what if they fire me...when I meant nothing by it. Second, I think she blew it completely out of proportion...Third, I've let it bother me this long. And I really thought she was kidding at first. I swear I can't win for losing. Makes me want to shutdown FB completely.
Realized I have a new hang-up during my first day in Hilton Head...I'm nervous about eating seafood down here. I realize that is insane because I eat it in the mountains...and who knows how long it has been sitting around or where it came from. But I had a real problem at dinner tonight. But I ate it and I'm still alive thus far.
This comment is probably going to bite me in the butt ....but when have I ever let that stop me before. Last night I made a comment on my Facebook page about how I was going to be glad to get away from "Ridgecrest, State Farm and the Silvery Moon (my 3 jobs), studying for insurance tests and dealing with grumpy homeowner association members (I'm the treasurer)...and I needed a break before they all shoved me over the edge." I felt that was a normal statement...not meant to hurt anyone...I wasn't bad mouthing Ridgecrest, SF or SM. Well someone close to one of these companies got very offended and vocal about what I said. Said I shouldn't be saying crap about people who are nice and just trying to run a business.....the person just kept on and on. I took the post down and blocked her as a friend. But it has continued to bother me....first, I think she'll probably tell the owners of the business and what if they fire me...when I meant nothing by it. Second, I think she blew it completely out of proportion...Third, I've let it bother me this long. And I really thought she was kidding at first. I swear I can't win for losing. Makes me want to shutdown FB completely.
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