MurphyGirl....Motivational Speaker??

So I just got a call....well, not just.  A couple of hours ago...I've had to process it for a while.  I'm shocked.  I received a call from an organization in Asheville that deals with college age adults who are dealing with "mental illness" and bullying.  I'm sure at this point you are wondering why they were calling me.....I sure was.  Well, the person in charge has asked me to come speak to his group.  After that invitation you could have probably heard crickets chirp...I was dead silent.  Couple of things:  I don't "speak" in public and where on earth did this person find me because it's not like I announce to the world that I'm well....me.  But apparently I have some followers who are in the group who recommended me.  Yep....when you air your hang-ups on Facebook the whole world does know.
So what to do....what to do.  No money is involved....with a little cash on the table I could probably throw my crazy out there for the whole world to see.  But then I thought about my goal for this year:  Living A Life Without Fear.  And that means stepping out of my comfort zone.  So I said "yes". 

Yes....Yes....Yes.....what was I thinking.  I shouldn't be anyone's inspiration...I'm a hot mess.  And what am I going to say.  So I've been thinking about it.  I've wrote down a few things.  So I'm going to try it on those who know me best....my friends.  Here goes....my tentative speech.

(envision throat clearing...and sweat beading on my forehead)

I thought I would start with introducing myself and my diagnosis.....while leaving out all references to poop.  How long I've dealt with my disorder and how I deal with it.  I'm boring myself. 

Ok...time to get serious.

I've been diagnosed with Anxiety/Panic Disorder and Depression for 4 years.  I have it...it doesn't have me.  Once I accepted this truth...I've never looked back.  Don't get me wrong...some days are easier than others......nights are worse than days.....and some days I don't think I'll make it.   But I always do.  I made the decision this year that I wasn't going to let my "mental illness" stop me from doing anything.  I have a bucket list that I'm crossing items off of...some are silly and some are hard.  When I was first diagnosed I found myself questioning my beliefs and my God....I couldn't imagine why He did this to me.  I blamed Him.  I felt my faith slipping away.  I couldn't imagine what I could have possibly done to deserve this punishment....I had always been so good.   Oddly enough one of my biggest sources of panic/anxiety is going to church...alone.  I started seeing a Christian counselor and she helped me see that I wasn't being punished.  And I made peace with God.  I used to say that when I got to Heaven I was going to ask Him....why???  But now when i sit at His feet...I'm going to thank Him for giving me this disorder.
I know....how could I possibly thank Him for something that causes me such pain and heartache.  It's simple really.....He created me this way for a reason.  I can either accept it and live life the best way I can or I can be miserable...and what good is that going to do.  So that's what I'm doing...I'm thanking God for creating me this way.  He's taught me strength....you can't handle some of the stuff I deal with without strength.  I overthink alot of situations....I push people  away because I convince myself I've done something to hurt them or upset them.  I'm self-conscious....I worry alot. I have no self-esteem.  But I also push myself alot.  I push myself to go outside my comfort zones.  So far this year....I embarked on a new career: got licensed to sell insurance, I'm currently taking a tax preparation course and at the beginning of next year I'm going to real estate school.  My "mental illness" isn't going to stop me from living a full life.  It has it's challenges.  Like my aversion to puking, and Walmart.  Fluorescent lights and bright shiny floors aren't friends to an anxiety sufferer...neither are oddly patterned carpets....brings on an attack everytime.  I worry about being alone for the rest of my life.  It will probably take a special man to love me....or even like me.  I'm a fretter, a worrier.  I jump to the biggest and worst possible conclusion ever.  But this is me...this is who I was born to be....and I was bullied in school for being overweight.  Yeah, I have curves....alot of curves....but I prefer to think that I have curves to protect my big heart....a heart that loves animals and babies.  A heart that goes out to others who suffer from mental illness......

Some of the most brilliant minds are the most fragile.


So....that's it....I'll probably add a little more but what do you think friends....family....countrymen???  Do you think I'll help these people??  Or cause them more stress??

Tears

"Looking back I see that I was always afraid of something: of the dark, of displeasing people, of failure.  Anything I accomplished had to be done across a barrier of fear."--Eleanor Roosevelt


Did you know that studies show that if you are someone who experiences more than the average amount of anxiety, you are full of potential for greatness.  Anxious people have above average intelligence.  They are highly creative with a fabulous imagination.  They are detail-oriented and analytical.  These are wonderful traits that can make you extremely successful and enable you to accomplish great things.  But anxious people tend to use their attributes to scare themselves.  They overanalyze and use their creativity to envision the worst possible traits.

What would I do differently if I weren't afraid to fail or to succeed?  What if I weren't afraid to take chances or to even embarrass myself a little?  Would I be married with 2.5 adorable kids- married to the perfect husband living in a gray house with a red door??  Would I be CEO of a fortune 500 company??  Would I be mayor? 

Will I ever know these things??  Or will I just be the girl that every man uses but no man wants?  The girl that curls up in corners and sobs??  The girl that scratches holes in her skin?  The girl that forgets which medicine to take?  The girl who loses things?  The girl that cares far too much for people in her life in regards to what she gets back in return??  The fragile girl?  The fat girl?  The snooty girl?

There are days when I thank God for giving me the "gift of anxiety" because it has made me stronger, tougher, braver......but on the other hand.....some days I blame Him.  In the midst of an attack....I find myself thinking "what did I ever do to deserve this....and why did You do this to me.  I'm a good person.  I love animals.  I would give people the clothes off my back and all the money I had if they needed it.  Why was I chosen to fight panic and anxiety???  Why??".  After the attack when I'm so exhausted I can't even move....because it feels like you've fought a small battle at Gettysburg after an attack.  Your muscles hurt...you've cried every tear you can cry...you've made a scene like Lindsay Lohan in Hollywood.....at this moment you realize that you are strong enough to fight the battle.  When I meet Him in Heaven one day He will tell me why I was chosen.....chosen to take on anxiety  and panic head-first.  Chosen to prove to those people around me that I have a major disorder that some people are ashamed of but I prefer to tell EVERYONE....and laugh about it.  Chosen to keep on going when it just seems to get harder.  I was chosen to be this way.....and this way I will be.