One more time....this is not a cry for help. I just happened to be reading up on Final Expense plans for work (should you need one call me) and it occurred to me what a mockery of a funeral my family would throw if I leave things up to them. So....should I pass before my parents....someone drag this out and take it to them. Mary Ellen Conner...you are in charge....if my wishes are not to the penny I will hunt your butt down and haunt you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. No FAKE flowers. No flowers shaped like HORSESHOES. No flowers shaped like phones. No flowers shaped like anything other than a tasteful real bouquet. I repeat NO FAKE FLOWERS. Toss any fake flowers sent to me out the back door.
2. While my family should be suitably heartbroken and sobbing appropriately....do not let my mother make my funeral "her day"....this should be all about me. Someone take her and get her hair fixed...please.
3. I don't want them picking out the first "church soloist" they can find....I also don't want taped music. Bluegrass. That's what I want played. After all this is a celebration. I repeat....no bad music.
4. I want my nails painted bright red with glitter....toes and fingers....call Barbara (she'll know what to do)....I want to be covered in rhinestones and wearing patent leather shoes. DO NOT let my mother pick out my clothing.
5. If I haven't met the man of my dreams by then.....please find a man and discretely pay him to throw himself at my gunmetal silver coffin and declare his undying love for me.....doesn't have to be to overdone....but a little effort would help.
6. Do not let them put a picture of me from when I was 20 in the paper....picture must be recent and not be a glamour shot.
I realize that this may seem a little abnormal....but when have I ever been normal. Oh....and Mary Ellen....see Kristy....she knows who is on the "not invited" guest list.
Ok....back to life insurance....and Final Expense plans.....have I mentioned that I work at State Farm and really REALLY REALLY need to sell some life insurance....somebody....anybody....
Well......until my funeral.....which will be years down the road....it's back to studying I go.
