"These are a few of my favorite things....part 2"

Things That Make Me Happy....

Monster Trucks                           Barrett Jackson Car Shows with my Daddy            Nascar and Dale Jr
Otters                      Crossword Puzzles                    Suduko                        The Dukes of Hazzard
Honey                             Trivia Pursuit               Lima Beans


Things That Upset Me....

Failure                    Not being perfect                    Not being the best                         Change
Alcoholism                              Turmoil                      Being alone                     Addiction
Not reaching the goals I had set for myself                               Feeling like I'm a loser        Feeling drained from all the insurance studying and all I do is fail                I've never failed        I was perfect until I got sick                  I made the best grades and I was the best employee and then it all crumbled like confetti          And I was left to pick up the pieces                It's hard to pick up confetti        Being jealous            Feeling hatred          My mom feeling like constantly buying me things will somehow make everything better               Secrets

Bothered, Bewildered and.....Bewitched????

Ok....so I finally did it.  I succumbed to the online dating trend much to my own dismay.....a friend met the love of her life on there and recently got engaged so I thought what the heck.  What the heck, was right!!!!!

We met and I thought there was definite potential.....he met the height requirement.  That being he was taller than me.  CHECK.  He was polite, well groomed....appeared to have a good job with a great group health insurance plan.  CHECK.  His shirt was monogrammed.  CHECK.  I love a preppy guy and a monogram.  He drove a rather boring sedan...but we can't have everything.  Conversation was going well.  He was attractive...yet flawed....wasn't too "perfect".  Seemed close to his family...which means we could ditch mine.  Then the moment came when he pulled out of his pocket.......a travel-size bottle of PURELL.  I almost fainted....a germaphobe......what more could a fellow germaphobe want.  We bonded over anti-bacterial and discussed working with the public.  He works at the court house...good benefits!!!!! 

Things were going fabulous....until......the shocker.  He asked me my religious beliefs and where I worshipped.  I told him I am a Christian...Baptist...and between churches (which is kind of a stretch.....but in my defense I have a hard time going to church alone because of my various hang-ups but I didn't want him to think I was a heathen).  Ummm...yeah.  About that.  I asked him his.........and I'm totally not judging....if any of you out there in BlogWorld are of this "faith" then good for you....but it's not for me.  And he was very adamant in remaining with his belief.....he had been raised that way....and wanted his children (gulp) raised that way. 


He was/is a .......Wiccan.  I know, Welcome to Asheville.  So we continued our meal and had a good evening....I even learned some stuff about what and why he believes that way.  It was a nice evening out and I don't regret it...but boy....can I pick them.  We are going to hang out as friends occasionally....why do men always want to be my friend.  Sigh.  And did I mention he likes the WWE.

"These are a few of my favorite things...."

Things that make me happy:

polka dots                             hair ribbon                  jewelry, jewelry and Chocolate Diamonds
And chocolate...don't forget the chocolate...milk, dark......
Red Patent Leather shoes and Purple Patent and Black Patent and Maroon Patent...ok all colors.
Puppies.....Dogs.....especially Boo Radley!!!
Buttons....the kinds you sew on...not the kinds you push.
Stationary, stickers, gel pens and the handwritten letter
glittery nail polish              bubble baths                        candles
BOOKS.....smutty romance, cheesy self help, bloody true crime, amateur sleuth mysteries, biographies.
20/20, Dateline, Snapped, Americas Most Wanted, TruTV, WWE
bluegrass                    The River Arts District               living in Black Mountain
artsy-fartsy-crafty stuff   
a secret              



Things that make me very very very unhappy:

pre-existing health conditions                     prescriptions                today's health care system
anxiety disorders           panic disorders           IBS          being uninsurable
being lactose intolerant                 being overweight          worrying                failing
Where the Red Fern Grows, The Fox and the Hound, My Dog Skip, Old Yeller


I guess I should be thankful that there are more items on the first list than on the 2nd...but the 2nd list is really weighing on my mind lately.....(not the doggy death row movies).....

The Delayed Panic-An interesting phenomenon

I feel the need to blog today...but I don't feel completely ready to bare my soul of what's really bothering me.  I know....this coming from the girl who waxed poetic about her poop for one whole blog...it's hard to explain.  I have 3 things, completely unrelated, weighing on my mind but I just can't voice them right now.  Oddly enough, one does involve pee.
But I digress....I'm here today to talk about "delayed panic"....or as I like to call it...the sneak up approach.  The day I went to take my Life Insurance Exam (after failing miserably the first time)...I walked up into that educational testing prison...submitted to the strip search and body cavity search....sat down at that computer 100% confident that I was going to kick some life insurance butt.  I might as well have been Mr. Wayne Goodwin myself (NC Commissioner of Insurance-voted by the public for the public, serves a 4 year term and should he have to step down our dear Governor Purdue will assign a replacement-if you are looking for an obscure insurance fact...call me)...I answered every question....and was out of there in 30 minutes.  I went to the lobby...got my PASS certificate...did a snoopy dance...sent my needy texts to have people congratulate me..headed to Charming Charlies for a "happy" to reward myself.  Thought all was well.  Until 11:00 pm that night.
All of a sudden I got dizzy, nauseous and itchy.  That "out of body" feeling was consuming me.  I started hyperventilating.  My fingers and toes were numb.  It felt like a knife was repeatedly stabbing me in the stomach.  My mouth was dry and I was having trouble swallowing.  Just another happy day for an anxiety sufferer.  And this was 12 hours after my stressful situation.  Sometimes I wonder if it will ever end.  But I made it through that night...the entire "attack" lasts only about 15 minutes but then I'm left exhausted beyond belief.  And I'm sure I'll make it through another attack.  It's making me stronger....I hope.  Even though I still carry my heart on my sleeve. 

Speed Dating AKA WTH was I thinking

All I can say is I have no idea what I was thinking.  I picked up the Mountain Xpress and saw there was a speed dating in Asheville on this glorious Easter Eve.  My other choice was to lie in bed and watch the Ten Commandments.....should have watched them.....should in fact be a new one...."thou shalt not speed date".

Anyway I threw on some makeup, curled my hair and removed any seasonal jewelry or pastel colors (Toby and Andrew if you are reading this....I didn't wear the Easter Egg Slide).  I headed to the location.  When I first went in the room it was all women....so I wondered if I picked the wrong Speed Dating group....but no....they were keeping the 10 eligible women separate from the 10 eligible men.  We would meet a man one on one in what looked to be a voting booth.  We wouldn't see bachelors 2-10 until we entered the booth.  The moderator, that was the title she had given herself, was overly peppy and happily married....and GUESS WHAT she "totally met her husband at an event just like this".  That should have been my clue to get the heck out of dodge.  But in my lack of sleep, insurance studying induced fugue...I stayed.  She started passing out index cards....each had a list of 5 ice-breakers (in case we couldn't come up with anything in our 8 minutes together to talk about).  Each card could be different or we could be paired up with someone with the same card,  What fun???  Where is Charlton Heston when I need him???

My index card listed these questions (btw, I wouldn't ask or answer these questions with people I know let alone people I don't know):

1.  If you could be any state which one would it be??? 
First of all.....I was already in a state....one of panic....what on earth was I doing here.  Secondly, what would this tell me about a potential mate.
2.  How do you feel about Obama's healthcare reform plan????????
Seriously.  I'm uninsurable and don't have insurance. 
3.  If you could eat at any restaurant in Asheville, where would it be and what would you order??
4.  What is your favorite book?
5.  What brought you here tonight?
Skipped a dose of medication???

All I could think was I hope to goodness none of my eligible bachelors asked me any of these questions.
So into Voting Booth #1........good news.  I knew him....had a horrible blind date experience 6 months ago.  His comment to me...."so you are still single, huh?".  8 torturous minutes later....the bell rang....time to see Bachelor #2. 
Bachelor #2 was missing 5 teeth...but trying not to judge I gave it my best shot when he asked "if you could be any state which one would it be".  Ding went the bell.
Bachelor #3 said I looked a little "too classy" for him.  Is that a bad thing???  Ding went the bell.
Bachelor #4......he was a relative.  Don't ask....I'm not telling.  It's illegal and just gross.  Ding
Bachelor #5.....I asked him "what his favorite book was".....his answer...he doesn't read.  Ding
Bachelor #6....A guy I went to high school with....who said that he thought I was cute in high school but I always seemed so uppity.  Fabulous.  Ding
Bachelor #7....His question to me is "if I were on the Bachelorette would I give him the final rose"????  He made up his own list of questions.  Where's the belllllll????  Ding
Bachelor #8.....Looked oddly familiar.  But after the old classmate and family member, I felt like maybe I was being paranoid.  I asked him about his favorite book...."The Grapes of Wrath"...alright...I saw a glimmer of potential UNTIL it occurred to me where I knew him from.  A support group for people with various emotional and mental disorders.  Next
Bachelor #9....Had pictures of his 5 kids from 3 different wives.  A little too much baggage for me.
Bachelor #10.....When I asked what brought him there tonight....one word said it all....my mom made me.

Finally, it was over.......needless to say.  Nothing I recommend and nothing I'll ever do again. 

The Crippled Lamb

I got my Easter Blessing early this year.  Funny how things happen.  I was sitting in the jewelry store having myself a good old pity party.  I'm absolutely exhausted from all this insurance stuff and continual studying.  I don't sleep well at night and during the day I'm like an 80 year old in a nursing home...I find myself dosing off in my chair.  I'm also feeling very lonely in life. 

A family came in with a young son...about 8.  He had glass, braces and was all gangly legs and elbows.  He looked very fragile.  He came right up to the counter and started asking me about my day and the book I was reading.  I was reading a true crime serial killer novel so I tried to turn it into a Nancy Drew type mystery so his parents wouldn't think I was a freak.  He had a wooden bunny that GiftCrafts (a shop down the row) had given him and we talked about that for a while.  His mom and dad shopped.

He was very smart.  Told me he was from Georgia and they'd travelled from one end of NC to the other for Spring Break.  Next stop was Dillsboro where he was going to be in an Easter Bunny parade.  He asked to feel my hair....which I let him do.  Then he told me he had Aspergers Syndrome and asked me if I knew what that was...I did but I let him tell me......  He also has Trichotillomania, which is a form of anxiety in children that manifests in them pulling out their eyelashes one by one.  He said you know people make fun of me alot in school.  I asked him what school he went to and it seemed to be a mainstream public school.  He said it's not fun to be made fun of.  He said he didn't like being different.

My heart absolutely broke and I shook off my pity party.  I walked around the counter and sat down and told him that people made fun of me when I was younger for being fat and that  it had really hurt my feelings but it had made me strong.  He said "strong like a super hero" and I said yes.    And that I have an anxiety disorder and I sometimes scratch my skin till it bleeds.  He said so "you are weird like me".....I laughed and said that yes, I guess I am.  But I like to think that it takes "all kinds of kinds" to make up this world....and we are just two of a kind. He liked that a lot.  The little boy that doesn't like to be touched or to touch threw his arms around my neck and hugged me close.  I looked up to see tears streaming down his mom and dads face. 

Michael left me with tears of my own and a wooden bunny that he insisted I have.  I can't imagine what he's going through at 8 years old that I think is killing me in my 30s...I have nothing to complain about.  God works in mysterious ways and today He sent a crippled lamb to me to remind me of what I do have in life. 

The Letter

"I wrote you 365 letters. I wrote you a letter everyday for a year."-The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks (from Noah to Allie).

I love The Notebook....what a movie.....what a romance. Sigh. God, when you write my love story...can you PLEASE put a little of Noah's romance in there somewhere. But I digress this isn't about sappy movies or my pathetic love life. This is about the lost art of letter writing.

There was a lady who was a member of my church who sent every church member a birthday card every year. She sent all high school and college graduates money and a card upon their graduation. She used it as a ministry tool. She's now living the last years of her life in Maryland with her family...but she's still sending cards. Even though her handwriting's not as strong as it used to be. As well as her memory. But she still sends those cards.

I had a discussion last week with my Christian Counselor about how it hurts my feelings that I remember every detail of my friends lives: their marriages, anniversaries, bad days, good days, engagements, deaths, new jobs, a pick me up...you name it..I'm there. But do I get a "I'm sorry you failed your insurance test horribly" card....nope. Not a one. She said it's unfair of me to place my expectations on my friends. Hmmpphhh.

Warning: this is not a shameless ploy for mail. Do not go out and buy a card and start scrambling for my address. You will look pathetic. But thanks.

I love writing letters. I have an old-fashioned writing desk packed with stationary, cards, gel pens and stickers. I love HOLIDAYS. And I do remember every occasion. Easter cards are going out tomorrow. I hate email. Email is for work. It's for "hey, if you don't pay your road maintenance dues I'm going to hunt your butt down like Dog the Bounty Hunter"..it's for "hey, make an insurance payment". It's not for birthday wishes. All I'm saying is that it would be nice to receive a card....you know...a "I'm sorry you popped your cork in WalMart", or a "I'm sorry that with the health care system the way it is you can't get insurance due to your pre-existing condition card", or a "Glad your dog is 8" card. I don't want to receive an email or FB post one day that says "Hey, sorry you are on your deathbed" in the subject line.

I have a friend who I've been writing weekly for 20 years...and no, they aren't in prison. They used to live in the same town as me. We never saw each other in person or even talked on the phone but those letters came and went every week from the Hundred Acre Woods to Walker Cove Rd...probably 5 miles away. Now she is in SC and we still write. I also have a pen pal, in PA, that I've been writing since I was 11 (we once met in Myrtle Beach)...we met thru a pen pal magazine. When I was younger I had pen pals in Turkey, Austria and Hong Kong. My love for letter writing has been with me for a while.

A month ago I decided I was done with thinking about everyone else.....no more cards....who cares if their millionth child turned 4 or it was their 2nd marriages' 5th anniversary...not my problem!!!!!!!! I lasted 48 hours. Then I had to send a Snoopy encouragement card for a friend going thru a rough family time. I guess maybe sending cards and letters is my ministry because I can't imagine my life without it.....I have 4 non-Easter cards going out tomorrow (2 Thank You cards, 1 "sorry about the state of your marriage", and 1 "just because"). Maybe I'm more like Mrs. Elizabeth Sides than I thought. Not a bad comparison. In fact, it's quite a honor.