Dating Advice

I swore I would never attend another "speed dating" event EVER....you know since the last time my two top picks were my cousin and the guy from high school "who had always thought I was really pretty if only I hadn't been such a snot".  But apparently there's a new Speed Dating Organization in town...Susan Reinhardt did an article about it on Sunday....if Susan gives it her approval....I probably should try it.  She included some "Tips" from the organizers....of what you shouldn't do since you only have 7 minutes with each potential serial killer.  #1...don't talk about pets (could be a deal breaker for non-animal lovers)....Could be a deal breaker for me...I love my dog more than I like most people.  #2...don't talk about religion.  #3...don't talk about politics. #4..stay away from your job if it involves selling (there goes my sales pitch for State Farm). The one they emphasized TO talk about is what you do for fun.

So I told my dear old best friend that I was going to do this one last time.  I showed her the article with the times...they conveniently break it up into 3 age groups.  She thinks I should hit all 3 to "up my chances".  She decided we should have a practice run of what I should say...it went a little something like this.....

Her (being Mr. Right):  So, what do you do for fun?
Me (probably wishing I was having a rectal exam with a pitchfork):  I like to read true crime/mystery books, do crossword puzzles and watch TruTv.
Her (being my best friend).....YOU CANT SAY THAT....you sound psychotic.
Me:  Well, I can't say I like to run marathons and work out....I think they'll pick up on it.
Her (clearly having lost her mind):  Well, let's just work on some new hobbies for you
Me:  I'm not going to make up stuff to find a man....cause then what am I going to do when he wants me to go to whatever crazy thing you want me to say.
Her:  We are just going to make you seem a little less boring.
Me: Gee, thanks.

Her:  (Take 2):  So, what do you do for fun?
Me:  I like Nascar and the WWE and crossword puzzles and buttons.
Her:  Better....but a little too redneck.  What if there are businessmen there?
Me:  I like Nascar, the WWE, crossword puzzles and the Wall Street Journal.
Her:  Don't be a smart aleck. 
Me:  I shouldn't have to make up hobbies. If "he's" the one...in that 7 minutes that I'm sure I'll make a glowing first impression in....he won't care that i'm a little bit redneck and a little bit girly with a side of the macabre.
She:  (Enormous eye rolling and a loud sigh)

At this point she turned to me and said ....."above all else Angie....just remember these few things"
1.  Don't talk about your poop.  Not the shape, color, size or consistency.  Don't mention anything about your bathroom issues.  (For the record....I wouldn't have)
2.  Think before you speak...I mean really think about what you say.  Do you hear me....think!!
(OK)
3.  Do NOT mention anything about SNAPPED, TRUtv or 48 Hours Mystery.
4.  Leave all anti-bacterial swabs, towelettes, bottles, sprays and lotions in the car.  (I don't have towelettes-and cleanliness is a VIRTUE).
5.  Be yourself but jazz it up a little.  (Jazz it up a little.......)


Well......now that I've had that pep talk I'm ready to hit the ground running.  
Nothing like a best friend to tell the truth and NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH.