The Meltdown

Well, it's happened.  My first panic attack....a panic attack to beat all others....at my new job.

And I was all alone...with customers.   It's been so long since I've had an attack of this magnitude.  This attack was like one of my "before I was diagnosed" attacks.

I will admit....I should have seen this coming.  We've had turnover at my new job.  I'm the "seasoned" employee.  I'm working 2 part time jobs and taking a night class (3 nights a week).  I haven't been sleeping well.  And some upsetting things are happening in my life right now.  Should have seen it coming.  But it's like stopping on the train tracks to tie your shoe and looking up to see a train barrelling toward you.  By the time it hits.....it is too late.

Today I was helping a couple, when my right hand (the hand I write with) went completely numb....couldn't move my fingers...couldn't type.  I stayed calm and started typing with my left hand.  Then my face started going numb on the left side....my mouth dried out completely....I was sweating buckets.  My hair was literally dripping wet.  All 3 phone lines were ringing...people were in the lobby.  And unlike my previous job, I was all alone.  There was no one there to step in for me...to handle the customer while I tried to get the situation under control.  My breathing became very labored.  Now for the record...the customers were so consumed with their own issues that I don't think they even noticed I was struggling.  I started seeing "floaters" out of my eyes.  I couldn't move from my chair....my medicine was in another room....but I was terrified to stand up.

How do you explain to customers that you are fighting the urge to tear at your skin...to scratch yourself till you bleed.  To cause yourself pain to ease the emotional roller coaster going on inside you.  It felt like millions of bees were stinging my skin.  My mind was going blank.  My stomach was cramping....my toes were cramping.  I was trying not to fight "it"--"it" being the panic attack because the more you fight it...the worse it can get.  I really didn't think it could get worse.  I should have seen this coming.  I should have been prepared.  I've been having a lot of stress lately and I've ignored the warning signs that full meltdown was imminent.  I started getting dizzy.  It sounded like all the noises around me were getting fainter. 

I don't know how I made it through that customer....I don't even remember what I said or what they did.  After they left I managed to get to my medicine, which I had to open the bottle with my teeth because my hands were completely numb by that point.......and I helped the next customer.

All without them knowing....that inside I was on an emotional roller coaster.  You never really know what anxiety is until you experience it....you look and act perfectly normal in most cases.  Now tonight I'm exhausted...every muscle in my body hurts.  

Anxiety is scary.  It makes you feel very lonely.  It makes you wish you couldn't feel.  Panic feels like it lasts for hours...but really it's only seconds or minutes. 

I made it through today.....without my paper bag to keep from hyperventilating, without scratching my skin to pieces and without tears.  I guess that's progress.  But why do I feel like I'm regressing.  I've been disappointed a lot lately.  Saddened by others.