I think my story truly begins during winter term between Junior and Senior year at college....suddenly I developed insomnia....but only at school. When I came home, I slept like a baby. But back at school wide awake. I went to the doctor on campus and he said this "was normal" for upcoming seniors...a little pre-life anxiety...he prescribed me a mild anxiety medicine. Put me right to sleep. Graduated. Came home. Got a job at the bank. Never took the medicine again. Life was good.
Until April 2006....I had just been audited at the bank by a particulary tough and mean auditor. I had to defend myself. When it was over....I remember the feeling. I'll never forget it. That's when it happened. When the panic crept in. I was eating some sour cream and onion potato chips and all of a sudden the hair on my arms and the back of neck stood on end....the strangest feeling went thru my body. Immediately a knot formed in my stomach. A knot that had me double over with pain.
The pain continued. I started a vicious cycle of visiting doctors. They could never find anything wrong. They put me on another mild anxiety medication. But then worse things began to happen. Chest pains. Nightmares. Scratching my skin until I bled. Repetitive thoughts. The feeling of being outside my body looking in. My muscles would tense up until the point where my fingers and toes would go numb. Sometimes it felt like the walls in my room were closing in on me. I would have to go outside, in the middle of the night, to try to breathe. I was a frequent visitor at the emergency room. I was convinced it was a heart attack, cancer....or worse I was losing my mind. The truly interesting part is that I kept all of this a secret from my family and my friends. I couldn't concentrate. Could barely sit still. One Christmas I sat through the usual present opening rituals like a robot...afraid to move or say anything....afraid the slightest move would clue my family in that something was wrong. I still don't remember what I got for Christmas that year. For 2 years I kept my pain and suffering a secret....for 2 years I was silent. But I was hanging on the edge...and I had no idea that as hard as the past 2 years were...the next 2 years to come would be worse. Because then I would be facing my fears.
September 2008....I suffered a major breakdown at work. I couldn't stop crying. I hadn't ate in 2 weeks. I had diarrhea. My skin hurt to touch. I called my best friend and told her I needed help. I went to the doctor and got a recommendation for a psychiatrist the next day. I also had strep throat. I was heavily medicated that night. The general md gave me a diagnosis but said the psychiatrist would confirm. He did. The next day I learned I had a Panic Disorder DSMIV Code 300.01 (Depression, Anxiety and Panic). My life immediately changed.
The good news...people with anxiety have above average intelligence. They are highly creative with a fabulous imagination. They are detail-oriented and analytical. They are full of potential for greatness. Unfortunately, people with anxiety disorders tend to use their attributes to scare themselves. They overintellectualize, overanalyze, and use their creativity to envision the worse possible scenarios. Their wonderful traits make them very sick.
Well...this is enough of the story for today. Especially since I'm doing what my mother fears most in the world...I'm coming out with my families dirty secret. I'm telling the world that I'm sick. She didn't want my extended family to know. But you know what.....God made me this way for a reason. And somewhere out here in internet land there may be another person struggling with the unknown. And I want them to know that while it's very very hard....it can be conquered.
Love it! This is a great thing you are doing, for yourself and others!!!
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