Ok, so when I last left off I had been diagnosed with a Panic Anxiety Disorder. So I "took" 3 months off from work...conveniently my father had some kind of random injury so my mom told extended family that I was taking care of him....Right. Guess what, extended family....he was taking care of me. I had a nice assortment of pills and I couldn't be left alone. I spent those 3 months making alternating trips between the Christian counselor, who tried to convince me it wasn't God's fault, and to my psychiatrist, who tried to convince me it wasn't entirely my families fault. Good times, those were. Basically I was born this way. But there are certain circumstances in my immediate family that made it worse. For example, my mother had children 13 years apart....one of us was a mistake..the other a blessing. Depending on who you ask depends on whom is whom. But my brother and I couldn't be more different (other than we both suffer from mental illness)....he is an artist....took him 7 years to graduate college...and marches to the tune of his own drum....he doesn't care what my parents think..never has..never will. Does whatever he wants...and thinks his way is the only way. I am not an artist. I am practical and conservative. My parents expected perfection from me...straight As, finish college in 4 years at the top of my class...have the perfect job...look a certain way....key word is PERFECT. I tried to be perfect...and when I couldn't do it any longer I snapped. :)
So anyway.....enough of my brother and my parents. They can air their own dirty laundry. But guess what all happens to you with a panic disorder.....basically you create turmoil within your body. As a result of being tied in knots all the time.....I'm the proud owner of Irritable Bowel Syndrome, Spastic Colon, Lactose Intolerance and Gluten Sensitivity. My intestines are not my friend. I have more hang-ups than a ton of teenage girls at a slumber party....I'm obsessed with germs. I'm terrified of getting sick...particularly vomiting. When I go to the doctor, I wait in the car until they call me and tell me it's my turn, because inevitably I'm going to sit down and the one person puking and bleeding will walk past 20 seats to scrooch up to me. I have more bottles of hand sanitizer in my purse than Johnson & Johnson produces each year. I worry about eating food in restaurants....I'm afraid I'm going to get food poisoning. Like deathly afraid. I have a hard time eating food in the dark ( I know what you are thinking...when would I ever eat food in the dark)...last week I went to that movie theater at Biltmore Square where you and eat and watch the movie....got freaked out because I couldn't tell if my food was cooked. Have an issue with Wal-Mart....I mean it's a guaranteed panic attack waiting to happen.....my doctor says its the flourescent light. I have lots of "what if" thoughts.....like "what if" I don't pass this stupid Life Insurance test, or "what if" I die and someone brings fake flowers to my funeral. Half of my day is filled with "what ifs". I'm scared to go to extended family members houses....what if I have an attack in front of them....you get the picture. Now for my last tidbit of info.....what does a panic attack feel like......hmmmmm......how should I describe it....other than you think you are dying, you wish you were dying so it would stop, and not knowing what is going on even though you know you have a panic disorder.
Here's a "normal attack" for me:
Sweating like crazy....I'm talking...hair soaking wet sweating.
My fingers going numb. A crushing pain in my chest. Stomach cramps that lead to diarrhea or gas. Racing heart. Dizziness and lightheadedness. Feelings of unreality. Scary, uncontrollable thoughts. My toes go numb. Hyperventilating. Uncontrollable bouts of anger or tears. Lots and lots of tears. Uncontrollable thirst. I need to be outside away from people ASAP. I scratch at my skin until I bleed. I pull out my hair.
So, who wants to go to Wal-Mart with me.......to be continued.
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