I try not to let Anxiety define me.....after all I kept it a secret for years before I was formally diagnosed. I scratched my arms until I bled to stop the trembling and shaking....hoping the pain would chase away the panic. But it just created more. Panic that is. Then I had to explain the scratches. The scratches that left scars that will forever remind me of how bad some days/nights were. Sometimes I beg God to just let me be normal again....but God isn't a wish granter....and maybe this is my "normal". Somedays I can take my anxiety and laugh at my hangups.....like last week at the pharmacy when I went to pick up my meds and a lady with oozing poison ivy or leprosy plopped right up beside me on the counter showing her wounds.....now the pharmacy people know my germ hangups so they were laughing at the whole experience....I was too. I couldn't get my debit card to work....had to take a panic pill before I even left but all in all the experience was pretty funny. And then there was today when I went to an OCD/Panic/Anxiety/BiPolar/Depression/PTSD support group.......in my defense I was pretty bored. But I do think it would be nice to have a friend that knows what it is like....kind of like AA...but for crazies. I was not going "looking for love in all the wrong places".....could you imagine...yikes.
But anyway even though I can get on here and tell all my neighbors, people I went to high school with and virtual strangers (even family members) all my business.. in that meeting today....I got so upset I thought I was going to lose my mind. No pun intended. I felt like I was on trial...lots of intrusive questions....lots of talk of medicines and what combinations they liked or didn't like. I really didn't talk because I didn't agree with alot that was said......they were making it a pity-party. Now don't get me wrong I love a good pity-party just as much as the next girl but I came here to meet people with my same issues and bond...not get depressed....I could have stayed home in my jammies for that. So I decided it was time to make a break for it.....but unfortunately I was 10 people in on a row...so that was alot of "excuse mes"....I really wanted to sneak out with very little notice. I waited a few more minutes and things just got worse....I wanted to jump off the building. So finally I got up and headed to the door. Then the unthinkable happened......the "proctor", "leader", "head nut" said "ma'am....we really don't like for people to leave during a session. and you haven't really contributed to the discussion. how can we help you if you don't participate". So I slunk back into the room and said that while I enjoyed my time I really thought I was in a different place with my "disorder"....another person in the room stood up......and "confronted me".....Are you envisioning the Salem Witch Trials in your mind....if not prepare too. The guy said, with a completely straight face, "don't you worry what will happen if you end up dead in a dumpster one day"......I don't know what possessed me (no pun intended with the earlier witch analogy) but I said (without missing a beat)...."well, I guess I won't have to worry about Anxiety anymore"....deathly quiet......nervous giggle from me....and off I went. Guess they marked me off the guest list!!! :)
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