Life and Love

I always thought I'd marry my best friend...after all I let him cry on my shoulder during and after his divorce.  I put my job on the line and lost a friendship (albeit not a good one) to testify on his behalf to gain custody of his child.  I was his personal banker and assistant...his confidant and his "friend with benefits".  I guess what it really boils down to is that we fell in love with each other at different times.  He fell for me when I was head over heels after his best friend.  I fell for him when he was falling for someone else.  I doubt she knows about me...I know about her by accident.  Okay....Facebook stalking isn't actually an accident per se but he never intended to tell me.  My Nancy Drew skills that day led to tears...he was engaged and had been for 3 years.  We told each other everything.  Two days later I confronted him...his answer was simple.  He loved me too much to hurt me.  While this answer might seem trite to some...from him it's true.  Now my other friends told me to "write him off"..."never speak to him again" but I couldn't.  Looking at our friendship I realize that we are meant to be best friends, so far a more lasting tie than passion-more durable, more constant.  Any man I've been involved with has grown jealous of him.  After all, an attraction does exist.  Our dynamic does not, quite, mirror the feeling between me and my girlfriends.  I consider him a handsome man, as he also finds my company physically pleasing.  Yet the electricity is muted, domestic, without urgency, like the hum of a refrigerator.  We are honest to the point of appalling.  Because anything either thinks is by definition of interest, we are never bored, never boring.  Friends rarely resort to the L word.  But when you flush with joy laying eyes on a man, and battle a continual, buried dread that he will die, what do you call it but love.  I guess it is true what they say about different kinds of love.  One day I'll have to watch him marry another....hopefully I'll have someone beside me to help me thru it.  But I'll always have the memories and I know I'll always be his "Murph".