The time has come to wean myself off my depression medication.....I would like to say it's because I've conquered depression (and maybe I have to a certain extent) but mainly it's financial and health reasons. When almost my entire paycheck went to the mail order pharmacy to pay for 90 days of medication I knew things had to change.....and then I realized that my depression meds were raising my blood pressure which led to more medicine.... definitely time for a change.
And so it began......I was at 120mg a day.....dropped down to 90mg....felt nothing. Actually I felt better than I did when I was taking the higher dose. And this is completely under my doctors supervision--no one panic (besides I do enough of that myself). I was on 90mg for 45 days and I dropped down to 60mg on Sunday......and the side effects have begun. I've done ok so far....the bone crushing headache is manageable....I briefly went onto the drug's website to look at the symptoms of withdrawal...confirmation.....no WebMD...no consulting every pharmacy in town. I did check my blood pressure...high. I'm having brain zaps....feels kind of like a jolt of electricity. And I'm okay with it. I'm not planning my funeral....worrying obsessively. I'm doing good. Because this is a step in the right direction....I've been through hell at the beginning of my diagnosis so I know that no matter what I go through now...it's nothing compared to what it was then. I've had bad allergies for the past week and I didn't even stress about it.
This year I've made a conscious effort to remove all negativity from my life....this has included people I thought were my good friends. But they weren't. They were holding me back, allowing me to wallow in my own negativity....bringing me down with their problems. They say you have friends for a season and friends for a reason.......well, those friends were here for a season. I'm keeping the friends I have for a reason. The friends that are there for me at my beautiful messy worst and at my laughing beautiful best. I'm torn right now with a friend that I've had for 13 years.....a friend that has always been there for me....in fact, they were once considered my "safe" friend.....for all of you stable people....a "safe" friend is someone that you can call night or day in the middle of a panic or anxiety attack and they'll always be there for you. This friend actually encouraged me to seek help for my disorder but now it appears our friendship has ended....but maybe that season is over. Whatever will happen...will happen. But for now I'm marking another milestone on my anxiety/panic journey......losing the meds.
I was kicked out of a support group for anxiety earlier this year....I was too positive...I choose to see my anxiety as a blessing. It's made me strong and brave. I don't sit back wallowing in pity (much)...I'm following my dreams and looking for new goals. And I'm dragging my crazy with me....proudly!!!
Thanks for being a part of my mess.
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
Monday, March 4, 2013
Today I was brave.....for a little bit
and now i'm not brave......i'm scared of cough medicine.
i'm tired of coughing continuously. i'm on webmd.....my banned website. most people are banned from porn. not me...it's webmd. so far i have whooping cough, pneumonia, bronchitis and maybe a touch of tuberculosis. i've called my college roommate/pharmacist for advice....she says delsyium. i've called my primary care pharmacist here in black mountain....she says delsyium and to let it run it's course. if i let it run it's course i may be institutionalized.
as i was leaving work today...my coworker said and i quote..."you are really handling this whole sickness thing really well....i figured by now you'd be making up crazy diseases and stuff....you are making progress"....i laughed and told her i had it under control. i totally don't.
i was without insurance for over a year....i was healthy as a horse....a crazy horse...but healthy. now i have the crappiest insurance available and i'm on my deathbed. the irony. the misery.
even the dog won't get near me.
i've analyzed my mucus production....i should seek medical care if it's green.....it's not green. i'm coughing up nothing...just a dry hacking cough. a cough that will probably set up as pneumonia as my mamaw told me earlier. i've taken the usual home remedies....tea, honey, lemon, moonshine, hot toddy...vaporizer...cough drops with a pep talk...i just want to be better. i don't DO sick well.
so today i was brave for a little bit....i had big plans for the future. wishes, dreams and laughter but now it's me and the delsyium that i'm afraid to take.
i guess brave for a little bit is better than not being brave at all.
i'm tired of coughing continuously. i'm on webmd.....my banned website. most people are banned from porn. not me...it's webmd. so far i have whooping cough, pneumonia, bronchitis and maybe a touch of tuberculosis. i've called my college roommate/pharmacist for advice....she says delsyium. i've called my primary care pharmacist here in black mountain....she says delsyium and to let it run it's course. if i let it run it's course i may be institutionalized.
as i was leaving work today...my coworker said and i quote..."you are really handling this whole sickness thing really well....i figured by now you'd be making up crazy diseases and stuff....you are making progress"....i laughed and told her i had it under control. i totally don't.
i was without insurance for over a year....i was healthy as a horse....a crazy horse...but healthy. now i have the crappiest insurance available and i'm on my deathbed. the irony. the misery.
even the dog won't get near me.
i've analyzed my mucus production....i should seek medical care if it's green.....it's not green. i'm coughing up nothing...just a dry hacking cough. a cough that will probably set up as pneumonia as my mamaw told me earlier. i've taken the usual home remedies....tea, honey, lemon, moonshine, hot toddy...vaporizer...cough drops with a pep talk...i just want to be better. i don't DO sick well.
so today i was brave for a little bit....i had big plans for the future. wishes, dreams and laughter but now it's me and the delsyium that i'm afraid to take.
i guess brave for a little bit is better than not being brave at all.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
This is not a cry for help.....informational purposes only.
One more time....this is not a cry for help. I just happened to be reading up on Final Expense plans for work (should you need one call me) and it occurred to me what a mockery of a funeral my family would throw if I leave things up to them. So....should I pass before my parents....someone drag this out and take it to them. Mary Ellen Conner...you are in charge....if my wishes are not to the penny I will hunt your butt down and haunt you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. No FAKE flowers. No flowers shaped like HORSESHOES. No flowers shaped like phones. No flowers shaped like anything other than a tasteful real bouquet. I repeat NO FAKE FLOWERS. Toss any fake flowers sent to me out the back door.
2. While my family should be suitably heartbroken and sobbing appropriately....do not let my mother make my funeral "her day"....this should be all about me. Someone take her and get her hair fixed...please.
3. I don't want them picking out the first "church soloist" they can find....I also don't want taped music. Bluegrass. That's what I want played. After all this is a celebration. I repeat....no bad music.
4. I want my nails painted bright red with glitter....toes and fingers....call Barbara (she'll know what to do)....I want to be covered in rhinestones and wearing patent leather shoes. DO NOT let my mother pick out my clothing.
5. If I haven't met the man of my dreams by then.....please find a man and discretely pay him to throw himself at my gunmetal silver coffin and declare his undying love for me.....doesn't have to be to overdone....but a little effort would help.
6. Do not let them put a picture of me from when I was 20 in the paper....picture must be recent and not be a glamour shot.
I realize that this may seem a little abnormal....but when have I ever been normal. Oh....and Mary Ellen....see Kristy....she knows who is on the "not invited" guest list.
Ok....back to life insurance....and Final Expense plans.....have I mentioned that I work at State Farm and really REALLY REALLY need to sell some life insurance....somebody....anybody....
Well......until my funeral.....which will be years down the road....it's back to studying I go.
1. No FAKE flowers. No flowers shaped like HORSESHOES. No flowers shaped like phones. No flowers shaped like anything other than a tasteful real bouquet. I repeat NO FAKE FLOWERS. Toss any fake flowers sent to me out the back door.
2. While my family should be suitably heartbroken and sobbing appropriately....do not let my mother make my funeral "her day"....this should be all about me. Someone take her and get her hair fixed...please.
3. I don't want them picking out the first "church soloist" they can find....I also don't want taped music. Bluegrass. That's what I want played. After all this is a celebration. I repeat....no bad music.
4. I want my nails painted bright red with glitter....toes and fingers....call Barbara (she'll know what to do)....I want to be covered in rhinestones and wearing patent leather shoes. DO NOT let my mother pick out my clothing.
5. If I haven't met the man of my dreams by then.....please find a man and discretely pay him to throw himself at my gunmetal silver coffin and declare his undying love for me.....doesn't have to be to overdone....but a little effort would help.
6. Do not let them put a picture of me from when I was 20 in the paper....picture must be recent and not be a glamour shot.
I realize that this may seem a little abnormal....but when have I ever been normal. Oh....and Mary Ellen....see Kristy....she knows who is on the "not invited" guest list.
Ok....back to life insurance....and Final Expense plans.....have I mentioned that I work at State Farm and really REALLY REALLY need to sell some life insurance....somebody....anybody....
Well......until my funeral.....which will be years down the road....it's back to studying I go.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
The Way It Is.....
i don't always have my sanity...ok, so maybe that's a little strong. but really it's true.
i'm learning that maybe there are times that it's okay to not have it. depression and anxiety are different for everyone, sometimes medication helps and sometimes it's just changing your lifestyle a bit. i do a combination of things.....medication, read, cry and write on FB, my blog and my "Diary of Crap that really makes no sense" but it is where i can write and not have to worry that anyone will understand it. i think in our route to finding out how to deal with this amazing emotion/sadness/anxiety that you feel you can't control at times that you just be honest about whatever it is, too many people are scared on top of these feelings. accept yourself for who you are.....fall down, get hurt, learn from mistakes, be at ropes end, punch a pillow, cry until snot comes out, hyperventilate, get angry, hurt someone you love intentionally, open a door the wrong way, accidentally pee down your leg.......do whatever it is you need to do to get it all out.
today was a cry until snot comes out kinda day......feel much better. tomorrow is another day.
i'm learning that maybe there are times that it's okay to not have it. depression and anxiety are different for everyone, sometimes medication helps and sometimes it's just changing your lifestyle a bit. i do a combination of things.....medication, read, cry and write on FB, my blog and my "Diary of Crap that really makes no sense" but it is where i can write and not have to worry that anyone will understand it. i think in our route to finding out how to deal with this amazing emotion/sadness/anxiety that you feel you can't control at times that you just be honest about whatever it is, too many people are scared on top of these feelings. accept yourself for who you are.....fall down, get hurt, learn from mistakes, be at ropes end, punch a pillow, cry until snot comes out, hyperventilate, get angry, hurt someone you love intentionally, open a door the wrong way, accidentally pee down your leg.......do whatever it is you need to do to get it all out.
today was a cry until snot comes out kinda day......feel much better. tomorrow is another day.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
I've come so far.....
Tonight I went back and reread all my blog entries. Wow!! I can't believe how far I've come. The downtimes have been replaced by many more uptimes. The struggles have been replaced by blessings. The defeat has been replaced by victory.
It's all attitude. I have anxiety and panic BUT it sure as hell doesn't have me!!!
Sometimes I have a pity party....and sometimes I dance outside in the dark.....
This is me.....MurphyGirl. Accepting. ME. Who I am. How I was made. 100%. No turning back.
I wouldn't change me if I could.
It's all attitude. I have anxiety and panic BUT it sure as hell doesn't have me!!!
Sometimes I have a pity party....and sometimes I dance outside in the dark.....
This is me.....MurphyGirl. Accepting. ME. Who I am. How I was made. 100%. No turning back.
I wouldn't change me if I could.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
WalMart Victory!!!
A minor victory.........
Today I went to WalMart.......and here is the victory. No panic attack, no meltdown, no WalMart "emergency kit" (bottled water, pills, emergency pills, gum)...nothing.
My victories are small....but the finish line is near.
Today I went to WalMart.......and here is the victory. No panic attack, no meltdown, no WalMart "emergency kit" (bottled water, pills, emergency pills, gum)...nothing.
My victories are small....but the finish line is near.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Hateful for the Holidays
I'm suffering from a case of the "mads". I'm mad at everyone and everything. So, in the spirit of Christmas and all that it entails let me just tell you about my last two weeks...in no particular order.
1. Screwed out of vacation days by my boss.
2. My health "benefits" which start in January (after being without any for over a year) will be $380 a month....practically my whole check. I'm beginning to question the ethics of my current employer. I feel like I always have to be on my game to make sure he's not doing it for his benefit rather than mine.
3. I don't even know if I like the insurance business.....I mean do I really care if a persons log splitter was stolen from their front yard and if homeowners covers that?? And the difference between hardy board plank and just plain wood. Who gives a rip?? And the fact that I spend most of my day, that I should be selling and earning a commission, calling people who are perpetually late on their insurance. My favorite excuse was on Friday.....the man's response was ...it's Christmas, we aren't going to pay this month. Now I've never been given the impression from my auto insurance company that I had the option to "not pay".
4. Last week I had a long time "friend" who I've listened to every detail of her life with her boyfriend and how miserable she is...tell me that she think I make up my panic/anxiety disorder to get attention. And that if I were to just grow up...move out and get my own life...I would be normal. Try moving out and being normal when you have to pay $600 out of pocket for medications each month. And if I were going to pick something to "USE TO GET ATTENTION" it sure wouldn't be panic or anxiety. To be honest these comments from her really devastated me. Another friend keeps putting distance between us...which gives me a complex.
5. I found a fabulous online support group for anxiety/panic/depression/ocd/ptsd disorders....I made some great friends and even thought I had found a potential "man". Yeah...no. It seems that I'm "too outspoken and positive with my disorder" and practically everything I said "triggered this one person's anxiety" so she took it upon herself to private message me and tell me that my comments bothered her and that maybe I should consider private messaging people or talking to my doctor. First of all, nothing I said was offensive at all. If anything I was trying to get some of the people in the group to look on the "sunny side of life" and to stop being so negative. Yes, I do realize I'm being all kinds of negative in the blog. Leave me alone. I didn't talk to them like I do you. I gave them the watered down MurphyGirl. So this lady and I bickered back and forth via private messaging when I realized I had joined this group for support and within the past 2 months the same woman had verbally attacked me over things she "felt"-- well how about how I "felt". So even though the group meant alot to me and I made some great friend....I exited it this week. Also the potential "man"....a player. With an assortment of phobias and disorders. I really miss the support group....but how can I be a member of a group that criticizes everything I say. The good news is that I friended alot of them on FB so I can still talk to the "true friends" and one girl and I with similar problems text everyday. It's like we've known each other for ever.
6. Just a month ago I was telling my psychiatrist that things were going great in my life. I was in a good place...feeling good and happy. Now, not so much. I'm miserable....the holidays have always been hard for me. Christmas 2009....I sat in the middle of the worst panic attack of my life as my family opened presents....and I pretended like nothing was happening. I literally thought I was dying. The two things I want most for Christmas I can't have.....they can't be bought. And oddly enough...unlike all the people in the support group...I wouldn't choose to be rid of my "disorder" (cue the eerie music). I want to love and be loved and have a child. But those things will never happen for me. So I'm the scrooge this Christmas....I'm not sending Christmas cards...just not into any of it at all.
7. I hate...well, I can't say that....but I greatly detest my sibling. His choices in life have made my life utterly miserable and have caused a lot of the struggles that I deal with each day. So when my stressful day of work is over.....I don't come home to a relaxing household.....I come home to him and is a-z encyclopedia of issues.
8. I have never felt as alone as I do right now....I feel like I've lost alot of friends. So my depression is growing. And this is not a call for help or anything stupid like that. I'm just in a mood.
Well, that's it.
Sincerely
The Grinch from Black Mountain
1. Screwed out of vacation days by my boss.
2. My health "benefits" which start in January (after being without any for over a year) will be $380 a month....practically my whole check. I'm beginning to question the ethics of my current employer. I feel like I always have to be on my game to make sure he's not doing it for his benefit rather than mine.
3. I don't even know if I like the insurance business.....I mean do I really care if a persons log splitter was stolen from their front yard and if homeowners covers that?? And the difference between hardy board plank and just plain wood. Who gives a rip?? And the fact that I spend most of my day, that I should be selling and earning a commission, calling people who are perpetually late on their insurance. My favorite excuse was on Friday.....the man's response was ...it's Christmas, we aren't going to pay this month. Now I've never been given the impression from my auto insurance company that I had the option to "not pay".
4. Last week I had a long time "friend" who I've listened to every detail of her life with her boyfriend and how miserable she is...tell me that she think I make up my panic/anxiety disorder to get attention. And that if I were to just grow up...move out and get my own life...I would be normal. Try moving out and being normal when you have to pay $600 out of pocket for medications each month. And if I were going to pick something to "USE TO GET ATTENTION" it sure wouldn't be panic or anxiety. To be honest these comments from her really devastated me. Another friend keeps putting distance between us...which gives me a complex.
5. I found a fabulous online support group for anxiety/panic/depression/ocd/ptsd disorders....I made some great friends and even thought I had found a potential "man". Yeah...no. It seems that I'm "too outspoken and positive with my disorder" and practically everything I said "triggered this one person's anxiety" so she took it upon herself to private message me and tell me that my comments bothered her and that maybe I should consider private messaging people or talking to my doctor. First of all, nothing I said was offensive at all. If anything I was trying to get some of the people in the group to look on the "sunny side of life" and to stop being so negative. Yes, I do realize I'm being all kinds of negative in the blog. Leave me alone. I didn't talk to them like I do you. I gave them the watered down MurphyGirl. So this lady and I bickered back and forth via private messaging when I realized I had joined this group for support and within the past 2 months the same woman had verbally attacked me over things she "felt"-- well how about how I "felt". So even though the group meant alot to me and I made some great friend....I exited it this week. Also the potential "man"....a player. With an assortment of phobias and disorders. I really miss the support group....but how can I be a member of a group that criticizes everything I say. The good news is that I friended alot of them on FB so I can still talk to the "true friends" and one girl and I with similar problems text everyday. It's like we've known each other for ever.
6. Just a month ago I was telling my psychiatrist that things were going great in my life. I was in a good place...feeling good and happy. Now, not so much. I'm miserable....the holidays have always been hard for me. Christmas 2009....I sat in the middle of the worst panic attack of my life as my family opened presents....and I pretended like nothing was happening. I literally thought I was dying. The two things I want most for Christmas I can't have.....they can't be bought. And oddly enough...unlike all the people in the support group...I wouldn't choose to be rid of my "disorder" (cue the eerie music). I want to love and be loved and have a child. But those things will never happen for me. So I'm the scrooge this Christmas....I'm not sending Christmas cards...just not into any of it at all.
7. I hate...well, I can't say that....but I greatly detest my sibling. His choices in life have made my life utterly miserable and have caused a lot of the struggles that I deal with each day. So when my stressful day of work is over.....I don't come home to a relaxing household.....I come home to him and is a-z encyclopedia of issues.
8. I have never felt as alone as I do right now....I feel like I've lost alot of friends. So my depression is growing. And this is not a call for help or anything stupid like that. I'm just in a mood.
Well, that's it.
Sincerely
The Grinch from Black Mountain
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)