I'm suffering from a case of the "mads". I'm mad at everyone and everything. So, in the spirit of Christmas and all that it entails let me just tell you about my last two weeks...in no particular order.
1. Screwed out of vacation days by my boss.
2. My health "benefits" which start in January (after being without any for over a year) will be $380 a month....practically my whole check. I'm beginning to question the ethics of my current employer. I feel like I always have to be on my game to make sure he's not doing it for his benefit rather than mine.
3. I don't even know if I like the insurance business.....I mean do I really care if a persons log splitter was stolen from their front yard and if homeowners covers that?? And the difference between hardy board plank and just plain wood. Who gives a rip?? And the fact that I spend most of my day, that I should be selling and earning a commission, calling people who are perpetually late on their insurance. My favorite excuse was on Friday.....the man's response was ...it's Christmas, we aren't going to pay this month. Now I've never been given the impression from my auto insurance company that I had the option to "not pay".
4. Last week I had a long time "friend" who I've listened to every detail of her life with her boyfriend and how miserable she is...tell me that she think I make up my panic/anxiety disorder to get attention. And that if I were to just grow up...move out and get my own life...I would be normal. Try moving out and being normal when you have to pay $600 out of pocket for medications each month. And if I were going to pick something to "USE TO GET ATTENTION" it sure wouldn't be panic or anxiety. To be honest these comments from her really devastated me. Another friend keeps putting distance between us...which gives me a complex.
5. I found a fabulous online support group for anxiety/panic/depression/ocd/ptsd disorders....I made some great friends and even thought I had found a potential "man". Yeah...no. It seems that I'm "too outspoken and positive with my disorder" and practically everything I said "triggered this one person's anxiety" so she took it upon herself to private message me and tell me that my comments bothered her and that maybe I should consider private messaging people or talking to my doctor. First of all, nothing I said was offensive at all. If anything I was trying to get some of the people in the group to look on the "sunny side of life" and to stop being so negative. Yes, I do realize I'm being all kinds of negative in the blog. Leave me alone. I didn't talk to them like I do you. I gave them the watered down MurphyGirl. So this lady and I bickered back and forth via private messaging when I realized I had joined this group for support and within the past 2 months the same woman had verbally attacked me over things she "felt"-- well how about how I "felt". So even though the group meant alot to me and I made some great friend....I exited it this week. Also the potential "man"....a player. With an assortment of phobias and disorders. I really miss the support group....but how can I be a member of a group that criticizes everything I say. The good news is that I friended alot of them on FB so I can still talk to the "true friends" and one girl and I with similar problems text everyday. It's like we've known each other for ever.
6. Just a month ago I was telling my psychiatrist that things were going great in my life. I was in a good place...feeling good and happy. Now, not so much. I'm miserable....the holidays have always been hard for me. Christmas 2009....I sat in the middle of the worst panic attack of my life as my family opened presents....and I pretended like nothing was happening. I literally thought I was dying. The two things I want most for Christmas I can't have.....they can't be bought. And oddly enough...unlike all the people in the support group...I wouldn't choose to be rid of my "disorder" (cue the eerie music). I want to love and be loved and have a child. But those things will never happen for me. So I'm the scrooge this Christmas....I'm not sending Christmas cards...just not into any of it at all.
7. I hate...well, I can't say that....but I greatly detest my sibling. His choices in life have made my life utterly miserable and have caused a lot of the struggles that I deal with each day. So when my stressful day of work is over.....I don't come home to a relaxing household.....I come home to him and is a-z encyclopedia of issues.
8. I have never felt as alone as I do right now....I feel like I've lost alot of friends. So my depression is growing. And this is not a call for help or anything stupid like that. I'm just in a mood.
Well, that's it.
Sincerely
The Grinch from Black Mountain
Hey Angie--
ReplyDeleteUgh! The holiday anger! The worst! I am sorry all of these stressors are piling up on top of each other for you. Plus losing friends...ugh...it's too much at once! A lot of people get anxious and depressed around the holidays. It's like every day is anxiety inducing enough, why should I have any added pressure?
Also, it's bonkers for someone to accuse you of faking anxiety. It's like, nearly impossible to fake. We have this experience that so many others don't have...how would we even be able to pretend it was happening if we didn't have it? We couldn't because we wouldn't be able to feel it, and those feelings are what cause all of the outward actions...So bizarre. Those people sound like shitty friends. I wonder if there's an in-person anxiety or depression support group around you where you might be able to make some friends? Or do you have any reason you might be able to go to like Alanon, or AA, or SLAA, or CODA or something? I have a LOT of friends who are recovering alcoholics and users and I feel really lucky to have all of them in my life. All of the self work that they do through the meetings leads to being understanding, empathetic, compassionate...I am so grateful for their presence in my life. I know that's a weird tip but...meh...if something works might as well pass it along, right?
Oh, and also, this adorable video for good measure:
http://jezebel.com/5970940/youve-never-loved-anything-as-much-as-this-baby-panda-loves-hugging-this-ball?utm_campaign=socialflow_jezebel_facebook&utm_source=jezebel_facebook&utm_medium=socialflow
<3Briana