Groupon Addiction

It's official...I'm "outting" my mother.  Ever since she retired she has become addicted to Groupon, Asheville Deals, DealChick and any other online coupon source she can find.  At first it was innocent purchases.......a few restaurant gift certificates, something from the office supply store BUT now she's gone to far.  Now I'm monitoring her Groupon purchases.....it's either that or we are putting her in a home.

Several months ago I mentioned that I would love to have a hot stone massage.....so for Valentines Day....I got a Groupon for one.  She's been after me ever since to make the "appointment before the coupon expires".....by the way, that would be 2 years from now.  Anyway, last Friday I decided to make the appointment.  I called up the number.....I needed evening or weekend hours.  A very calm sounding lady answered the phone and started telling me the process.  We decided on this Sunday at 10......then she say (or so I thought) "how far away are you"...so I said 20 minutes.  She said...."you are 20 minutes away from giving birth".....ummmmm, no.  So I took this opportunity to ask the name of the spa.....Spa Materna....as in maternal, maternity, mother, birth, PREGNANT.  She asked when my baby was due....this is when I decided we needed to slow things down a bit.  I explained that my mother bought me the Groupon thinking it was for a regular hot stone massage.....by this point I had visited Spa Materna online and found out that I can have my fertility stimulated (let's don't), stopped (probably already has), my pregnancy can be assisted by a midwife or a doula (had to look that one up), it could help my post-partum depression....pretty much every issue I don't have.  Well the lady on the phone took it all in stride...gave me the directions and said it would be no problem.....I could have a normal massage....and leave with fertility intact.  So then I called the Groupon Goddess and asked her if she happened to notice the name of the spa.....she said "why, no".  I mentioned the name...and told her about it....she giggle hysterically and said "well, they didn't say they were for pregnant people".....my argument......the name SPA MATERNA. 

So Sunday at 10...me and my reproductive organs are going to get stimulated.......thanks Mom!!!

I wish....

I wish....people were as thoughtful towards me as I am towards them.
I wish....people could see me from the inside out...not the outside in.
I wish....I could turn back time.
I wish....my heart didn't break so easily.
I wish....anxiety/panic had never entered my life.
I wish....alcoholism didn't have a place in my family.
I wish....I was tougher.
I wish....I didn't care.
I wish....I could truly know happiness.
I wish....I could count on my friends as much as they count on me.
I wish....I could disappoint people as easily as they disappoint me.
I wish....I wasn't the one who is always there....
I wish....someone was always there for me.
I wish....that I wasn't envious or jealous.
I wish....that my heart's desire would come true.
I wish....that someone I miss would miss me.
I wish....that one of these wishes would come true.

I wish....alot.

A Puzzle Piece....

I feel like a jigsaw puzzle...but something is missing.  That final piece that makes everything right and forms a beautiful picture......
The elusive piece that may have been left out of the box by the Creator....
Makes me hate puzzles.

Vanilla Soy

Yesterday I went to Ultimate Ice Cream to beat the heat....I had to wait in line forever....so while I waited I mentally gave people in line ice cream names based on my impression of them and what they ordered.  I know, weird.  But it killed time.

The girl in front of me had olive skin, long dark hair and an earth tone maxi dress....she was with a vertically challenged olive skin guy wearing a wife beater shirt and flip flops.  She didn't look like she was breaking a sweat even though it was over a 100 degrees outside.  One scoop chai with lemon berry syrup.....a little exotic and trendy.  I had no "feel" for him but he ended up with maple bacon vanilla in a waffle cone. 

Another girl was wearing 4 inch hot pink platform heels with white booty-brushing shorts and a hot pink tank top....overly processed hair....overly tanned.....over the top.  Raspberry Chocolate with Marshmallow Fluff.

A girl wearing khaki capris..with a 3/4 length black gap sweater (100 degrees outside)...espadrille sandals...black glasses....book by Hemingway in hand....hair slicked back in a perfect pony tail....one scoop coffee.

Oddly enough my predictions were pretty much spot on......

And then there was me.......denim capris.....blue and pink converse tennis shoes with hot pink ribbon shoestrings....pink shirt...matching jewelry.  Face blotchy from the heat and sun.  Nose and allergies all to pieces.  Hair frizzy and hard to handle.  Yep, vanilla soy.  Vanilla soy that I had to eat in enough time to make it home in exactly 20 minutes....or risk unseemly consequences.

Why can't I be the exotic chai or the sensible coffee or the flirty raspberry....


No.....I'm vanilla soy.  Plain old boring vanilla (lactose intolerant and apparently soy intolerant) soy.

Reason or a Season...

This year I've realized the truth around the phrase......"sometimes friends come into your life for a reaon and some for a season".  It appears I have quite a few seasonal friends.  Maybe it's just I set my expectations for friends so high because that's what I give to my friends....when they need me I give them my all.  When I need them....not so much.  It's hard.  I've lost two friends this year.....one I risked my job for along with other friendships....we haven't spoken in 2 months.  Another friend I'm losing to marriage.  It's rough.

Prior to signing on to my blog it said it was a known fraudulent page.  Figures...something else I enjoy down the tubes.

"And how would you like your bacon......?"

So last night one of my dearest friends was having a crisis....broken-hearted and feeling down...so I suggested dinner and retail therapy.  Off we went to IHOP for breakfast/dinner.  Now my friend is beautiful...inside and out.....but she has a terrific figure and is a MAN magnet.  Do you see where this is going yet?  Here's a clue....I'm man REPELLENT.  Our waiter, who is very attractive, takes my order first....waffle and bacon.....he turns to my friend....and she orders the same....he had already commented on her IPhone and talked about how he was going to take care of "us".....by "us" he meant her cause he never looked at me....so when she said she wanted bacon...he said "and how would you like your bacon cooked".....

Trivial I know.....but as he walked off I thought now why didn't he ask how I wanted my bacon.  So I listened to her problems being the good friend that I am....when he came back to check on her water glass....I said "excuse me, how come you didn't ask how I wanted my bacon".....deer in the headlights.  He quickly jerked out his little pad and said...."I'm sorry, how did you want your bacon cooked".  Now the point of my rant is not the bacon....because I love bacon no matter how it's cooked.  The point is that I'm tired of being invisible.  Just because I'm not as pretty as my friend or as thin....I get my bacon any old way.

This leads into another problem I have right now......when I left my old job....which I was made to feel like I had been fired....they wouldn't let me work a 2 week notice...made me leave immediately....I left for a reason.  I lied about the reason to keep it from hurting the institution I worked for.  I told everyone that I wanted to pursue other dreams...which was partly true....but the real truth was that I was tired of being screwed over by the people who worked there.  Year after year they made promises they never kept.  They got my hopes up for promotions....and I took different positions with the "promise" of something better if I just hung with them.....this went on for almost 13 years.  Then somehow I ended up on the "badlist"....you know....no matter what I did it was wrong.  So I left.....up and quit....never looked back.  When I was approached by my current employer....yes, that's right.....they approached me....I was made promises......after 4 months I'm scared that it's going to be another "boulevard of broken dreams".  My boss is out of town right now...today I emailed him and asked to meet with him next week about my concerns.

I'm tired of being Invisi-Girl.....I want my bacon cooked the way I like it and I want what was promised to me....is that too much to ask!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anxiety.......the heart of "me".

I try not to let Anxiety define me.....after all I kept it a secret for years before I was formally diagnosed.  I scratched my arms until I bled to stop the trembling and shaking....hoping the pain would chase away the panic.  But it just created more.  Panic that is.  Then I had to explain the scratches.  The scratches that left scars that will forever remind me of how bad some days/nights were.  Sometimes I beg God to just let me be normal again....but God isn't a wish granter....and maybe this is my "normal".  Somedays I can take my anxiety and laugh at my hangups.....like last week at the pharmacy when I went to pick up my meds and a lady with oozing poison ivy or leprosy plopped right up beside me on the counter showing her wounds.....now the pharmacy people know my germ hangups so they were laughing at the whole experience....I was too.  I couldn't get my debit card to work....had to take a panic pill before I even left but all in all the experience was pretty funny.  And then there was today when I went to an OCD/Panic/Anxiety/BiPolar/Depression/PTSD support group.......in my defense I was pretty bored.  But I do think it would be nice to have a friend that knows what it is like....kind of like AA...but for  crazies.  I was not going "looking for love in all the wrong places".....could you imagine...yikes.
But anyway even though I can get on here and tell all my neighbors, people I went to high school with and virtual strangers (even family members) all my business.. in that meeting today....I got so upset I thought I was going to lose my mind.  No pun intended.  I felt like I was on trial...lots of intrusive questions....lots of talk of medicines and what combinations they liked or didn't like.  I really didn't talk because I didn't agree with alot that was said......they were making it a pity-party.  Now don't get me wrong I love a good pity-party just as much as the next girl but I came here to meet people with my same issues and bond...not get depressed....I could have stayed home in my jammies for that.  So I decided it was time to make a break for it.....but unfortunately I was 10 people in on a row...so that was alot of "excuse mes"....I really wanted to sneak out with very little notice.  I waited a few more minutes and things just got worse....I wanted to jump off the building.  So finally I got up and headed to the door.  Then the unthinkable happened......the "proctor", "leader", "head nut" said "ma'am....we really don't like for people to leave during a session.  and you haven't really contributed to the discussion.  how can we help you if you don't participate".  So I slunk back into the room and said that while I enjoyed my time I really thought I was in a different place with my "disorder"....another person in the room stood up......and "confronted me".....Are you envisioning the Salem Witch Trials in your mind....if not prepare too.  The guy said, with a completely straight face, "don't you worry what will happen if you end up dead in a dumpster one day"......I don't know what possessed me (no pun intended with the earlier witch analogy) but I said (without missing a beat)...."well, I guess I won't have to worry about Anxiety anymore"....deathly quiet......nervous giggle from me....and off I went.  Guess they marked me off the guest list!!!  :)