Well, it's happened. My first panic attack....a panic attack to beat all others....at my new job.
And I was all alone...with customers. It's been so long since I've had an attack of this magnitude. This attack was like one of my "before I was diagnosed" attacks.
I will admit....I should have seen this coming. We've had turnover at my new job. I'm the "seasoned" employee. I'm working 2 part time jobs and taking a night class (3 nights a week). I haven't been sleeping well. And some upsetting things are happening in my life right now. Should have seen it coming. But it's like stopping on the train tracks to tie your shoe and looking up to see a train barrelling toward you. By the time it hits.....it is too late.
Today I was helping a couple, when my right hand (the hand I write with) went completely numb....couldn't move my fingers...couldn't type. I stayed calm and started typing with my left hand. Then my face started going numb on the left side....my mouth dried out completely....I was sweating buckets. My hair was literally dripping wet. All 3 phone lines were ringing...people were in the lobby. And unlike my previous job, I was all alone. There was no one there to step in for me...to handle the customer while I tried to get the situation under control. My breathing became very labored. Now for the record...the customers were so consumed with their own issues that I don't think they even noticed I was struggling. I started seeing "floaters" out of my eyes. I couldn't move from my chair....my medicine was in another room....but I was terrified to stand up.
How do you explain to customers that you are fighting the urge to tear at your skin...to scratch yourself till you bleed. To cause yourself pain to ease the emotional roller coaster going on inside you. It felt like millions of bees were stinging my skin. My mind was going blank. My stomach was cramping....my toes were cramping. I was trying not to fight "it"--"it" being the panic attack because the more you fight it...the worse it can get. I really didn't think it could get worse. I should have seen this coming. I should have been prepared. I've been having a lot of stress lately and I've ignored the warning signs that full meltdown was imminent. I started getting dizzy. It sounded like all the noises around me were getting fainter.
I don't know how I made it through that customer....I don't even remember what I said or what they did. After they left I managed to get to my medicine, which I had to open the bottle with my teeth because my hands were completely numb by that point.......and I helped the next customer.
All without them knowing....that inside I was on an emotional roller coaster. You never really know what anxiety is until you experience it....you look and act perfectly normal in most cases. Now tonight I'm exhausted...every muscle in my body hurts.
Anxiety is scary. It makes you feel very lonely. It makes you wish you couldn't feel. Panic feels like it lasts for hours...but really it's only seconds or minutes.
I made it through today.....without my paper bag to keep from hyperventilating, without scratching my skin to pieces and without tears. I guess that's progress. But why do I feel like I'm regressing. I've been disappointed a lot lately. Saddened by others.
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
The Rant
I have so much to say tonight. I want to rant and rave. I want to pitch a big ol' hissy fit.
But I'm tired. I don't want to type. And I don't want to use what little energy I have to gripe on here about people that have really been working my last nerve....because after all this blog is about me..and my problems...not the myriad of problems I have to listen to all day from my friends. I'm tired of being supportive...I'm tired of being the one to send "just thinking of you" cards (when is someone going to send me a flipping card)...I'm tired of remembering the birthdays, anniversaries and children's names. I'm tired of being thoughtful and compassionate. Where does it get you. Nowhere...but bitter.
I've held some of this in for months because I didn't want to hurt other people...but you know what...this is my blog and I'm going to say what I want so get ready.
It should have been me up there...I'm less weird. It should have been me.
I'm tired of listening to how bad your husband is and how miserable he makes you..leave his butt and stop talking about it. I hate how you talk over top of me and only talk about your problems. You always call me at the most inconvenient time and then continuously call if I don't answer. I hate how you have changed for him. And he doesn't even care. I hate how you changed completely and you haven't even noticed. It should have been me. I hate that I go out of my way to be there for everybody but no one does that for me. It should have been me. You are trashy and I'm classy but you are never alone (ok...so this rant isn't my classiest moment but I need to get it off my chest). I hate that my family is a freaking mess. I hate that I harbor ill feelings towards my own brother. I hate that we were born into dysfunction. I regret the things I haven't done. I feel like I've wasted so much precious time. I want more. It should have been me. I care too much. I love to hard. Life isn't fair. When I'm in a bad way and need someone none of you ever answer. And you....you couldn't get enough of me. I was all you needed and now...I'm an afterthought. And you....we were best friends for 10 years...and you lied and betrayed me time after time and now...I'm an afterthought. And you...I adored your kids..sent them gifts and you never thanked me...you never acknowledged them.
I'm just tired of being the one that is always there. Just once I want to say..remember me. Remember me...the crazy one. Think about how I may feel. Think about what you say before you say it. And you..sometimes I just want to talk to you....talk about me that is...not about you. Like it used to be before. When I was fresh and new. It should have been me.
But it wasn't and now I'm good. I'm done. It's off my chest and it's over. This rant was a conglomerate of about 30 different people so don't think it was you or you.....or maybe it was. You'll never know. I'm good. I'm less tired. I'm free.
It should have been me.
But I'm tired. I don't want to type. And I don't want to use what little energy I have to gripe on here about people that have really been working my last nerve....because after all this blog is about me..and my problems...not the myriad of problems I have to listen to all day from my friends. I'm tired of being supportive...I'm tired of being the one to send "just thinking of you" cards (when is someone going to send me a flipping card)...I'm tired of remembering the birthdays, anniversaries and children's names. I'm tired of being thoughtful and compassionate. Where does it get you. Nowhere...but bitter.
I've held some of this in for months because I didn't want to hurt other people...but you know what...this is my blog and I'm going to say what I want so get ready.
It should have been me up there...I'm less weird. It should have been me.
I'm tired of listening to how bad your husband is and how miserable he makes you..leave his butt and stop talking about it. I hate how you talk over top of me and only talk about your problems. You always call me at the most inconvenient time and then continuously call if I don't answer. I hate how you have changed for him. And he doesn't even care. I hate how you changed completely and you haven't even noticed. It should have been me. I hate that I go out of my way to be there for everybody but no one does that for me. It should have been me. You are trashy and I'm classy but you are never alone (ok...so this rant isn't my classiest moment but I need to get it off my chest). I hate that my family is a freaking mess. I hate that I harbor ill feelings towards my own brother. I hate that we were born into dysfunction. I regret the things I haven't done. I feel like I've wasted so much precious time. I want more. It should have been me. I care too much. I love to hard. Life isn't fair. When I'm in a bad way and need someone none of you ever answer. And you....you couldn't get enough of me. I was all you needed and now...I'm an afterthought. And you....we were best friends for 10 years...and you lied and betrayed me time after time and now...I'm an afterthought. And you...I adored your kids..sent them gifts and you never thanked me...you never acknowledged them.
I'm just tired of being the one that is always there. Just once I want to say..remember me. Remember me...the crazy one. Think about how I may feel. Think about what you say before you say it. And you..sometimes I just want to talk to you....talk about me that is...not about you. Like it used to be before. When I was fresh and new. It should have been me.
But it wasn't and now I'm good. I'm done. It's off my chest and it's over. This rant was a conglomerate of about 30 different people so don't think it was you or you.....or maybe it was. You'll never know. I'm good. I'm less tired. I'm free.
It should have been me.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Dating Advice
I swore I would never attend another "speed dating" event EVER....you know since the last time my two top picks were my cousin and the guy from high school "who had always thought I was really pretty if only I hadn't been such a snot". But apparently there's a new Speed Dating Organization in town...Susan Reinhardt did an article about it on Sunday....if Susan gives it her approval....I probably should try it. She included some "Tips" from the organizers....of what you shouldn't do since you only have 7 minutes with each potential serial killer. #1...don't talk about pets (could be a deal breaker for non-animal lovers)....Could be a deal breaker for me...I love my dog more than I like most people. #2...don't talk about religion. #3...don't talk about politics. #4..stay away from your job if it involves selling (there goes my sales pitch for State Farm). The one they emphasized TO talk about is what you do for fun.
So I told my dear old best friend that I was going to do this one last time. I showed her the article with the times...they conveniently break it up into 3 age groups. She thinks I should hit all 3 to "up my chances". She decided we should have a practice run of what I should say...it went a little something like this.....
Her (being Mr. Right): So, what do you do for fun?
Me (probably wishing I was having a rectal exam with a pitchfork): I like to read true crime/mystery books, do crossword puzzles and watch TruTv.
Her (being my best friend).....YOU CANT SAY THAT....you sound psychotic.
Me: Well, I can't say I like to run marathons and work out....I think they'll pick up on it.
Her (clearly having lost her mind): Well, let's just work on some new hobbies for you
Me: I'm not going to make up stuff to find a man....cause then what am I going to do when he wants me to go to whatever crazy thing you want me to say.
Her: We are just going to make you seem a little less boring.
Me: Gee, thanks.
Her: (Take 2): So, what do you do for fun?
Me: I like Nascar and the WWE and crossword puzzles and buttons.
Her: Better....but a little too redneck. What if there are businessmen there?
Me: I like Nascar, the WWE, crossword puzzles and the Wall Street Journal.
Her: Don't be a smart aleck.
Me: I shouldn't have to make up hobbies. If "he's" the one...in that 7 minutes that I'm sure I'll make a glowing first impression in....he won't care that i'm a little bit redneck and a little bit girly with a side of the macabre.
She: (Enormous eye rolling and a loud sigh)
At this point she turned to me and said ....."above all else Angie....just remember these few things"
1. Don't talk about your poop. Not the shape, color, size or consistency. Don't mention anything about your bathroom issues. (For the record....I wouldn't have)
2. Think before you speak...I mean really think about what you say. Do you hear me....think!!
(OK)
3. Do NOT mention anything about SNAPPED, TRUtv or 48 Hours Mystery.
4. Leave all anti-bacterial swabs, towelettes, bottles, sprays and lotions in the car. (I don't have towelettes-and cleanliness is a VIRTUE).
5. Be yourself but jazz it up a little. (Jazz it up a little.......)
Well......now that I've had that pep talk I'm ready to hit the ground running.
Nothing like a best friend to tell the truth and NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH.
So I told my dear old best friend that I was going to do this one last time. I showed her the article with the times...they conveniently break it up into 3 age groups. She thinks I should hit all 3 to "up my chances". She decided we should have a practice run of what I should say...it went a little something like this.....
Her (being Mr. Right): So, what do you do for fun?
Me (probably wishing I was having a rectal exam with a pitchfork): I like to read true crime/mystery books, do crossword puzzles and watch TruTv.
Her (being my best friend).....YOU CANT SAY THAT....you sound psychotic.
Me: Well, I can't say I like to run marathons and work out....I think they'll pick up on it.
Her (clearly having lost her mind): Well, let's just work on some new hobbies for you
Me: I'm not going to make up stuff to find a man....cause then what am I going to do when he wants me to go to whatever crazy thing you want me to say.
Her: We are just going to make you seem a little less boring.
Me: Gee, thanks.
Her: (Take 2): So, what do you do for fun?
Me: I like Nascar and the WWE and crossword puzzles and buttons.
Her: Better....but a little too redneck. What if there are businessmen there?
Me: I like Nascar, the WWE, crossword puzzles and the Wall Street Journal.
Her: Don't be a smart aleck.
Me: I shouldn't have to make up hobbies. If "he's" the one...in that 7 minutes that I'm sure I'll make a glowing first impression in....he won't care that i'm a little bit redneck and a little bit girly with a side of the macabre.
She: (Enormous eye rolling and a loud sigh)
At this point she turned to me and said ....."above all else Angie....just remember these few things"
1. Don't talk about your poop. Not the shape, color, size or consistency. Don't mention anything about your bathroom issues. (For the record....I wouldn't have)
2. Think before you speak...I mean really think about what you say. Do you hear me....think!!
(OK)
3. Do NOT mention anything about SNAPPED, TRUtv or 48 Hours Mystery.
4. Leave all anti-bacterial swabs, towelettes, bottles, sprays and lotions in the car. (I don't have towelettes-and cleanliness is a VIRTUE).
5. Be yourself but jazz it up a little. (Jazz it up a little.......)
Well......now that I've had that pep talk I'm ready to hit the ground running.
Nothing like a best friend to tell the truth and NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
September Smiles........
DISCLAIMER.....remember I tell the truth, the whole truth and the blunt truth. I am not knocking my former employer...I'm still a loyal patron of the institution and still refer customers to them. What I have to say is about me not THEM.
Ok, now that that is out of the way.
Usually spring is a time of new beginnings but for me....it seems like September is. 4 years ago today I went to my first psychiatrist appointment for my anxiety disorder and was put out on a 3 month leave of absence. But I've talked enough about my cheese sliding off my cracker. I want to talk about what happened 1 year ago today.
1 year ago today I was at work at an unnamed place of business staring out the window at....well, another unnamed business... when it occurred to me that I couldn't do THIS anymore. By THIS I mean the job. It physically made me sick. I dreaded the whole 7.75 hours I was there. I had been beat down by management, been given broken promises, taken the blame for things that others did.....but I was the top performer, the best sales person, the "glue" that held it all together. And I'm not bragging...it was the truth. My parents have given me alot of things I could do without...insecurity, anxiety, etc....but they gave me a wonderful work ethic. I had seen them stay at jobs for years so that's what I thought I was supposed to do....unlike my unnamed sibling who has had more jobs than I have had dates (probably not my best or most flattering analogy but gets the point across). I had been at this job since I graduated college....13 years. Well, a year ago....I stood up....walked across the lobby and said the words that literally changed my life......"I quit". Now I would like to say they begged me to stay....but they didn't. And what happened later that day was not pleasant so I'm not getting into that....but I got the best part... freedom. When I left that place...I was so nervous...."what had I done"....I didn't have a job....."how am I going to pay my car payment"...."how am I going to pay for my medicine". I threw my Halloween decorations in my trunk (don't ask) and off my Honda went on a new adventure. The first adventure was a free trip to Hilton Head with my mom....after that week I faced the reality of being unemployed. During my 6 months of early "retirement" I worked at the bookstore and a jewelry store.....sold all of my seasonal decor (I decided I didn't want anything to remind me of my time THERE)....sold all kinds of stuff. I survived. Flash forward to today......I'm a star performer at State Farm....don't laugh it's totally true. I'm a natural at sales. I could sale ice to an Eskimo. I still work at the bookstore and the jewelry store. I have a thriving pet baby-sitting business....thriving is a little strong...but I watch the neighbors half dead 50 lb cat. I deserve a medal of honor for that because I don't like any animal that poops in the house. I'm starting H&R Block's tax preparation school in 2 weeks to be an authorized tax preparer....to better learn how to do my own taxes and then hopefully I can do taxes at night at H&R Block. And did I mention I'm thinking of real estate school??? And don't forget "Cute As A Button"...my online store of crafty cuteness. And I'm the Treasurer/Collections Officer of the neighborhood POA. I'm seeing what is out there.....playing the field, so to speak, on the job front. Making myself more hireable by being more knowledgeable.
I say all this today because a friend of mine followed in my footsteps and took a giant leap of faith...and quit her job of many, many years. And she is definitely the "glue" that holds it all together. But she's doing it for herself and that's what matters. I know she's scared and nervous. She has a family.....I still smooze off the Murphys....I had backup if Lizard Lick Towing showed up at my door to repo my car. She choose happiness over security.....and take it from me, my friend...it's the best way to go. Bravo!!!!
Ok, now that that is out of the way.
Usually spring is a time of new beginnings but for me....it seems like September is. 4 years ago today I went to my first psychiatrist appointment for my anxiety disorder and was put out on a 3 month leave of absence. But I've talked enough about my cheese sliding off my cracker. I want to talk about what happened 1 year ago today.
1 year ago today I was at work at an unnamed place of business staring out the window at....well, another unnamed business... when it occurred to me that I couldn't do THIS anymore. By THIS I mean the job. It physically made me sick. I dreaded the whole 7.75 hours I was there. I had been beat down by management, been given broken promises, taken the blame for things that others did.....but I was the top performer, the best sales person, the "glue" that held it all together. And I'm not bragging...it was the truth. My parents have given me alot of things I could do without...insecurity, anxiety, etc....but they gave me a wonderful work ethic. I had seen them stay at jobs for years so that's what I thought I was supposed to do....unlike my unnamed sibling who has had more jobs than I have had dates (probably not my best or most flattering analogy but gets the point across). I had been at this job since I graduated college....13 years. Well, a year ago....I stood up....walked across the lobby and said the words that literally changed my life......"I quit". Now I would like to say they begged me to stay....but they didn't. And what happened later that day was not pleasant so I'm not getting into that....but I got the best part... freedom. When I left that place...I was so nervous...."what had I done"....I didn't have a job....."how am I going to pay my car payment"...."how am I going to pay for my medicine". I threw my Halloween decorations in my trunk (don't ask) and off my Honda went on a new adventure. The first adventure was a free trip to Hilton Head with my mom....after that week I faced the reality of being unemployed. During my 6 months of early "retirement" I worked at the bookstore and a jewelry store.....sold all of my seasonal decor (I decided I didn't want anything to remind me of my time THERE)....sold all kinds of stuff. I survived. Flash forward to today......I'm a star performer at State Farm....don't laugh it's totally true. I'm a natural at sales. I could sale ice to an Eskimo. I still work at the bookstore and the jewelry store. I have a thriving pet baby-sitting business....thriving is a little strong...but I watch the neighbors half dead 50 lb cat. I deserve a medal of honor for that because I don't like any animal that poops in the house. I'm starting H&R Block's tax preparation school in 2 weeks to be an authorized tax preparer....to better learn how to do my own taxes and then hopefully I can do taxes at night at H&R Block. And did I mention I'm thinking of real estate school??? And don't forget "Cute As A Button"...my online store of crafty cuteness. And I'm the Treasurer/Collections Officer of the neighborhood POA. I'm seeing what is out there.....playing the field, so to speak, on the job front. Making myself more hireable by being more knowledgeable.
I say all this today because a friend of mine followed in my footsteps and took a giant leap of faith...and quit her job of many, many years. And she is definitely the "glue" that holds it all together. But she's doing it for herself and that's what matters. I know she's scared and nervous. She has a family.....I still smooze off the Murphys....I had backup if Lizard Lick Towing showed up at my door to repo my car. She choose happiness over security.....and take it from me, my friend...it's the best way to go. Bravo!!!!
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
I Have a Panic/Anxiety Disorder and I'm Glad???
I have a Panic/Anxiety Disorder.
I think it started mildly in college and just slowly got worse and worse until BAM my cheese slid off my cracker. It was to the point of no turning back. What was my little secret wasn't a secret anymore. I couldn't hide it. I shook constantly...I cried continuously...I had crazy thoughts...I had crazy symptoms. I thought I had tumors, I thought I had worms (don't ask), I thought I had cancer, I thought I had an ulcer, I thought my intestines had been blocked, I thought my throat was swelling shut, I thought I had a heart murmur....I went to the ER like it was my PCP. I went to her too. I was checked out from head to toe and from toe to head. I carried so many bags of poop to the GI doctor...I wanted to be tested for the West Nile virus...never mind I rarely go outside. My vision blurred so I was convinced I was going blind...I couldn't sleep...I couldn't focus....I couldn't tell anyone. Why?? They would totally think I was nuts. I don't know why that bothered me...everything I listed above was weird but I still did it. Driving in my car made my arms tense up...I would grit my teeth....I would hold onto the steering wheel like my life depended on it. I was depressed. To use a fabulous southern phrase....I didn't know whether to "shit or go crazy" but trust me I was doing alot of both.
Then I sought a therapist or two...got some nifty medication and got a grip!!
So yes, I have a panic/anxiety disorder but it doesn't have me. I go to my therapist and vent and cry and scream. I have pity-parties. There are days when I'm a negative Nellie...and there are days when I'm a positive Penny. I don't scratch myself till I bleed anymore....I don't sit outside in the middle of the night thinking that being out in the "wide open" will help me breathe better. I still have the fun symptoms I listed above and some I haven't mentioned but now....I just roll with them. I have Panic/Anxiety Disorder as my trusted and constant companion, as my lens through which to see the world. It is as definitive as my country accent or my birthmark on my shoulder. Sometimes it gets out of control. But it is part of my genetic makeup, which I see as a gift.
I have faith that it happened for a reason...more on that later. I have a circle of friends who know and accept me, a therapist who cares, a relationship with my mother that I never had expected. I've started this blog where I candidly discuss the good, the bad, the ugly and the poop. The old Angie would never have done that. I've stopped asking "why me" or looking for reasons of "what I did wrong"....I'll never know. Yes, it may have a lot to do with my perfectionistic nature and the way I was raised but what can I do now...but go with the flow. Instead of visiting the ER I write in my journal or pet my dog......I have some prescriptions. Hopefully one day I'll just have empty bottles as a reminder of where I was and how far I've come but for now I need the meds.
My "disorder" has made me stronger and REAL. There's nothing "real-er" than talking about poop on FB. Almost a year ago today I walked out on a job that made me physically and emotionally miserable. I took a leap of faith. I left behind insurance...good pay and stability. It was the craziest thing I had ever done. I felt beat down by my employer...I had lost the ability to care...my drive was gone....and their concern for me was gone. The girl that I was would never have "up and quit her job in the middle of the day" but this girl would. This girl told them "see ya"....it was a little more dramatic but let's face it...I'm dramatic. For 6 months I worked 2 part time jobs...cat-sit...and sold all kinds of personal "stuff" to make it. In the meantime I decided I was going to spend this year with no FEAR. I started a bucket list and I've crossed a number of things off. I found a new challenging job. Well, actually it found me. And you know what.....I'm good at it. It upsets me sometimes because I still want to be perfect and I'm making mistakes but they appreciate me and like me. They don't make me feel like nothing I ever do is right. I can stand up to my new boss and say what I want and he respects that. Nobody is putting this girl in the corner again....I've always wanted to say that. I will never be put in a situation where I'm that miserable again. I fight for what I think is right. I speak my mind and say what I think. I have panic attacks at WalMart. I talk about my poop on Facebook. I worry about food poisoning. I "run away" occasionally. But I'm strong. I'm brave. And I'm not going to let a little panic break me.
I'm not ashamed. I'm not embarrassed. It's not the life I would have chosen for myself. I definitely wouldn't wish it on someone else. But I have it. And I'm dealing....one day at a time. Some days are easier than others....some days require a little more medication....some days require a little more prayer.
I think it started mildly in college and just slowly got worse and worse until BAM my cheese slid off my cracker. It was to the point of no turning back. What was my little secret wasn't a secret anymore. I couldn't hide it. I shook constantly...I cried continuously...I had crazy thoughts...I had crazy symptoms. I thought I had tumors, I thought I had worms (don't ask), I thought I had cancer, I thought I had an ulcer, I thought my intestines had been blocked, I thought my throat was swelling shut, I thought I had a heart murmur....I went to the ER like it was my PCP. I went to her too. I was checked out from head to toe and from toe to head. I carried so many bags of poop to the GI doctor...I wanted to be tested for the West Nile virus...never mind I rarely go outside. My vision blurred so I was convinced I was going blind...I couldn't sleep...I couldn't focus....I couldn't tell anyone. Why?? They would totally think I was nuts. I don't know why that bothered me...everything I listed above was weird but I still did it. Driving in my car made my arms tense up...I would grit my teeth....I would hold onto the steering wheel like my life depended on it. I was depressed. To use a fabulous southern phrase....I didn't know whether to "shit or go crazy" but trust me I was doing alot of both.
Then I sought a therapist or two...got some nifty medication and got a grip!!
So yes, I have a panic/anxiety disorder but it doesn't have me. I go to my therapist and vent and cry and scream. I have pity-parties. There are days when I'm a negative Nellie...and there are days when I'm a positive Penny. I don't scratch myself till I bleed anymore....I don't sit outside in the middle of the night thinking that being out in the "wide open" will help me breathe better. I still have the fun symptoms I listed above and some I haven't mentioned but now....I just roll with them. I have Panic/Anxiety Disorder as my trusted and constant companion, as my lens through which to see the world. It is as definitive as my country accent or my birthmark on my shoulder. Sometimes it gets out of control. But it is part of my genetic makeup, which I see as a gift.
I have faith that it happened for a reason...more on that later. I have a circle of friends who know and accept me, a therapist who cares, a relationship with my mother that I never had expected. I've started this blog where I candidly discuss the good, the bad, the ugly and the poop. The old Angie would never have done that. I've stopped asking "why me" or looking for reasons of "what I did wrong"....I'll never know. Yes, it may have a lot to do with my perfectionistic nature and the way I was raised but what can I do now...but go with the flow. Instead of visiting the ER I write in my journal or pet my dog......I have some prescriptions. Hopefully one day I'll just have empty bottles as a reminder of where I was and how far I've come but for now I need the meds.
My "disorder" has made me stronger and REAL. There's nothing "real-er" than talking about poop on FB. Almost a year ago today I walked out on a job that made me physically and emotionally miserable. I took a leap of faith. I left behind insurance...good pay and stability. It was the craziest thing I had ever done. I felt beat down by my employer...I had lost the ability to care...my drive was gone....and their concern for me was gone. The girl that I was would never have "up and quit her job in the middle of the day" but this girl would. This girl told them "see ya"....it was a little more dramatic but let's face it...I'm dramatic. For 6 months I worked 2 part time jobs...cat-sit...and sold all kinds of personal "stuff" to make it. In the meantime I decided I was going to spend this year with no FEAR. I started a bucket list and I've crossed a number of things off. I found a new challenging job. Well, actually it found me. And you know what.....I'm good at it. It upsets me sometimes because I still want to be perfect and I'm making mistakes but they appreciate me and like me. They don't make me feel like nothing I ever do is right. I can stand up to my new boss and say what I want and he respects that. Nobody is putting this girl in the corner again....I've always wanted to say that. I will never be put in a situation where I'm that miserable again. I fight for what I think is right. I speak my mind and say what I think. I have panic attacks at WalMart. I talk about my poop on Facebook. I worry about food poisoning. I "run away" occasionally. But I'm strong. I'm brave. And I'm not going to let a little panic break me.
I'm not ashamed. I'm not embarrassed. It's not the life I would have chosen for myself. I definitely wouldn't wish it on someone else. But I have it. And I'm dealing....one day at a time. Some days are easier than others....some days require a little more medication....some days require a little more prayer.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Banking, Insurance and Dating.....
So yesterday I had my monthly meeting with my psychiatrist....yes, it's true!! I'm officially crazy. I affectionately refer to him as the "crazy doctor". Nice man...really like him. With him I can let "my crazy hang out"...no holding back. So, I'm not going to lie...I've had a rough 6 weeks since my last visit with him. Lots of work stress, personal life stress...worries about no health insurance and the bird flu....worries about how I'll be stuck living with my brother for the rest of my days...worried about worrying....worried about my floating poop....worrying about my dog who was limping...worrying about how watching Hoarders upsets me...worrying about how it bothers me when people mix the play-doh colors. Where was I. Anyway....I lost control with him and ended up being a crying, sobbing, shuddering mess.....and I'm not a pretty crier. You know a crier that just has tears streaming down their face. No, not me. I'm the one that's face turns red and striped...rather zebra like....I'm all snotty and belligerent. It's a good thing I pay him so much to sit and watch me cry. Anyway, I'm kind of torn with this post. Do I be completely honest with something that's bothering me at the risk of hurting one of my friends who could potentially read this or do I just keep it inside like a festering boil....eating away at me.
Fester away boil....I can't do it. But I told him. And I also told him that I'm feeling so frustrated at my new job. I was the top salesperson at the job that I previously held at a financial institution....I didn't like how my career was not progressing so I moved on. Well, now I'm a selling machine. I live to sell. I'm like a barracuda. I could sell an igloo to an Eskimo for twice the going price....I completely have the makings to be a used car salesman but I digress. ...... my issue was an upcoming event that I don't have an escort too. I don't even want to go to the event. It's nothing personal...just another reminder that I'm alone and since I'm not in a "good place" right now...I just felt it was better not to attend...but guilt has grabbed a hold of me...so I'm going. I was telling my doc....let's call him Dr. Who...that I'm tired of being the token "old maid"...and that I couldn't find a man if I advertised on Craigslist...well I probably could but then I would end up on Snapped or Dateline. He's adamant about the online dating scene....I've tried it.....visited Christian Mingle (ummmm....not sure that everyone there is a Christian or if they are there are different interpretations of "mingle")...did eHarmony free weekend and got matched up with a quadriplegic (bless his heart)....tried match.com and ended up with a relative. So no more. His answer now. If I put as much effort into finding a man as I do selling insurance, or selling bank products, or selling jewelry....I'll be married before the year is up. So I guess tomorrow when I pick up the phone to cold call for insurance....I'll throw in a "hi, I'm single...how about you?'.........sigh.
Fester away boil....I can't do it. But I told him. And I also told him that I'm feeling so frustrated at my new job. I was the top salesperson at the job that I previously held at a financial institution....I didn't like how my career was not progressing so I moved on. Well, now I'm a selling machine. I live to sell. I'm like a barracuda. I could sell an igloo to an Eskimo for twice the going price....I completely have the makings to be a used car salesman but I digress. ...... my issue was an upcoming event that I don't have an escort too. I don't even want to go to the event. It's nothing personal...just another reminder that I'm alone and since I'm not in a "good place" right now...I just felt it was better not to attend...but guilt has grabbed a hold of me...so I'm going. I was telling my doc....let's call him Dr. Who...that I'm tired of being the token "old maid"...and that I couldn't find a man if I advertised on Craigslist...well I probably could but then I would end up on Snapped or Dateline. He's adamant about the online dating scene....I've tried it.....visited Christian Mingle (ummmm....not sure that everyone there is a Christian or if they are there are different interpretations of "mingle")...did eHarmony free weekend and got matched up with a quadriplegic (bless his heart)....tried match.com and ended up with a relative. So no more. His answer now. If I put as much effort into finding a man as I do selling insurance, or selling bank products, or selling jewelry....I'll be married before the year is up. So I guess tomorrow when I pick up the phone to cold call for insurance....I'll throw in a "hi, I'm single...how about you?'.........sigh.
Wednesday, August 1, 2012
Me, Karla Faye Tucker and Best Buy
I created a stir at Best Buy today.....I'd like to say in a good way but as always I'm a disaster waiting to happen. Now before I get to Karla Faye....let me just say that Best Buy gives me a panic attack....it's like a Junior WalMart. Too many bright fluorescent lights and employees running around in man-cut polo shirts asking to help me.....merely walking thru the door brings me to a cold sweat. But I was forced too because I had a little electronics issue....I always have electronic issues.
Things were going fine....fabulous, actually....until the Geek Squad decided to clear my browser history. I was breathing fine...staying calm, cool and collected. Now I know what you all are going to think- that boring, prudish Murph had porn or something of that nature on my browser because what else would make the Geek Squad suddenly call for assistance and look at me as if I were nuts but no.....it was Karla Faye Tucker.
A couple of weeks ago when I was working at the bookstore I saw a DVD about Karla Faye...looked interesting, but I wasn't interested enough to buy it so I did what every red blooded American would do....I googled her. Karla Faye Tucker was the first woman to be executed in the US since 1984 and the first woman in Texas since 1863....she killed several people with a pick axe. She became a Christian and tried to get her sentence changed to life instead of the death penalty....and it was a huge deal...she even married the prison chaplain. Pope John Paul II, Newt Gingrich and televangelist Pat Robertson even tried to help her......(now before people get all riled up I'm neither endorsing or not endorsing the above people....just telling my story). The last words she said while she was getting her lethal injections were "i'll see you all in heaven one day"....
Well, I love a good murder mystery/serial killer drama.....I live for Snapped on Oxygen and 48 Hours Mystery and Nancy Grace. I love reading True Crime novels and mysteries. Lifetime is my friend.
So anyway as most googlers know....once you read about one thing they suggest other topics which led me to Betty Lou Beets. The Black Widow. Oddly enough she was also from Texas....she killed 3 out of 5 of her husbands and also died of lethal injection. And then came Lynda Lyon Block from Alabama...she killed an Opelika police officer and was put to death for it. And did you know that each person that goes to "the chair" gets a last meal request and gets to pick 5 people to view it. Which led me to Rhonda Belle Martin, also from Alabama, who poisoned her 5th husband who was also her former son-in-law. Then came me looking up stats on the electric chair and hangings and the Salem Witch Trials. I admit it's a little strange....but I had some time on my hands. I also bought a pair of shoes that night so my whole evening wasn't filled with serial killers.
But sadly....all this happened right after the tragedy in Colorado....(which I am in no way downplaying or trying to draw attention too)....so when I took my laptop, covered in Vera Bradley adhesive polka dots.....while wearing a big polka-dot bow in my hair...covered from head-to-toe in a monogrammed necklace, ring and purse combo..wearing Converse sneakers with hot pink ribbon laces...the Geek Squad apparently decided I should be on the FBIs most wanted list. Totally not kidding....the manager of the Geek Squad pulled me into the office to discuss my "browsing history"......so after I explained that I wasn't crazy (after going into a full-fledged panic attack in which the manager wanted to call for an ambulance)....well in a mass murder kind of way....just normal crazy....and that I really just got caught up in the world of Google all was right again. So I narrowly escaped being the headline on WLOS....my computer has a cookie issue......I wish I had some cookies....and why does this stuff happen to me.
Clear your browsers people......moral of the story.
Things were going fine....fabulous, actually....until the Geek Squad decided to clear my browser history. I was breathing fine...staying calm, cool and collected. Now I know what you all are going to think- that boring, prudish Murph had porn or something of that nature on my browser because what else would make the Geek Squad suddenly call for assistance and look at me as if I were nuts but no.....it was Karla Faye Tucker.
A couple of weeks ago when I was working at the bookstore I saw a DVD about Karla Faye...looked interesting, but I wasn't interested enough to buy it so I did what every red blooded American would do....I googled her. Karla Faye Tucker was the first woman to be executed in the US since 1984 and the first woman in Texas since 1863....she killed several people with a pick axe. She became a Christian and tried to get her sentence changed to life instead of the death penalty....and it was a huge deal...she even married the prison chaplain. Pope John Paul II, Newt Gingrich and televangelist Pat Robertson even tried to help her......(now before people get all riled up I'm neither endorsing or not endorsing the above people....just telling my story). The last words she said while she was getting her lethal injections were "i'll see you all in heaven one day"....
Well, I love a good murder mystery/serial killer drama.....I live for Snapped on Oxygen and 48 Hours Mystery and Nancy Grace. I love reading True Crime novels and mysteries. Lifetime is my friend.
So anyway as most googlers know....once you read about one thing they suggest other topics which led me to Betty Lou Beets. The Black Widow. Oddly enough she was also from Texas....she killed 3 out of 5 of her husbands and also died of lethal injection. And then came Lynda Lyon Block from Alabama...she killed an Opelika police officer and was put to death for it. And did you know that each person that goes to "the chair" gets a last meal request and gets to pick 5 people to view it. Which led me to Rhonda Belle Martin, also from Alabama, who poisoned her 5th husband who was also her former son-in-law. Then came me looking up stats on the electric chair and hangings and the Salem Witch Trials. I admit it's a little strange....but I had some time on my hands. I also bought a pair of shoes that night so my whole evening wasn't filled with serial killers.
But sadly....all this happened right after the tragedy in Colorado....(which I am in no way downplaying or trying to draw attention too)....so when I took my laptop, covered in Vera Bradley adhesive polka dots.....while wearing a big polka-dot bow in my hair...covered from head-to-toe in a monogrammed necklace, ring and purse combo..wearing Converse sneakers with hot pink ribbon laces...the Geek Squad apparently decided I should be on the FBIs most wanted list. Totally not kidding....the manager of the Geek Squad pulled me into the office to discuss my "browsing history"......so after I explained that I wasn't crazy (after going into a full-fledged panic attack in which the manager wanted to call for an ambulance)....well in a mass murder kind of way....just normal crazy....and that I really just got caught up in the world of Google all was right again. So I narrowly escaped being the headline on WLOS....my computer has a cookie issue......I wish I had some cookies....and why does this stuff happen to me.
Clear your browsers people......moral of the story.
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