Tears

"Looking back I see that I was always afraid of something: of the dark, of displeasing people, of failure.  Anything I accomplished had to be done across a barrier of fear."--Eleanor Roosevelt


Did you know that studies show that if you are someone who experiences more than the average amount of anxiety, you are full of potential for greatness.  Anxious people have above average intelligence.  They are highly creative with a fabulous imagination.  They are detail-oriented and analytical.  These are wonderful traits that can make you extremely successful and enable you to accomplish great things.  But anxious people tend to use their attributes to scare themselves.  They overanalyze and use their creativity to envision the worst possible traits.

What would I do differently if I weren't afraid to fail or to succeed?  What if I weren't afraid to take chances or to even embarrass myself a little?  Would I be married with 2.5 adorable kids- married to the perfect husband living in a gray house with a red door??  Would I be CEO of a fortune 500 company??  Would I be mayor? 

Will I ever know these things??  Or will I just be the girl that every man uses but no man wants?  The girl that curls up in corners and sobs??  The girl that scratches holes in her skin?  The girl that forgets which medicine to take?  The girl who loses things?  The girl that cares far too much for people in her life in regards to what she gets back in return??  The fragile girl?  The fat girl?  The snooty girl?

There are days when I thank God for giving me the "gift of anxiety" because it has made me stronger, tougher, braver......but on the other hand.....some days I blame Him.  In the midst of an attack....I find myself thinking "what did I ever do to deserve this....and why did You do this to me.  I'm a good person.  I love animals.  I would give people the clothes off my back and all the money I had if they needed it.  Why was I chosen to fight panic and anxiety???  Why??".  After the attack when I'm so exhausted I can't even move....because it feels like you've fought a small battle at Gettysburg after an attack.  Your muscles hurt...you've cried every tear you can cry...you've made a scene like Lindsay Lohan in Hollywood.....at this moment you realize that you are strong enough to fight the battle.  When I meet Him in Heaven one day He will tell me why I was chosen.....chosen to take on anxiety  and panic head-first.  Chosen to prove to those people around me that I have a major disorder that some people are ashamed of but I prefer to tell EVERYONE....and laugh about it.  Chosen to keep on going when it just seems to get harder.  I was chosen to be this way.....and this way I will be.