This week of my life has been interesting to say the least. I went to police school at the NCJA (that would be the North Carolina Justice Academy for those of you not in law enforcement), I attended a continuing ed class for my tax preparation job, I worked my full time job at SF and my part time gig at the BMPD. I had the 1st of 3 tests to take tonight at the police station....made a 100. Tomorrow I single handedly will coordinate all crime fighting in the 7 sq mile radius of Black Mountain....excited? Extremely!! Scared?? Extremely!! Tomorrow night I have to take a test on retirement planning. And this week is Mental Health Awareness Week.
I'm a member of several "groups" on Facebook who deal with different types of mental illness...and this week has been a very important part of their lives...many of them campaign to break the stigma associated with mental illness...some choose to wallow in their own self-pity ( I can say this cause I once was a wallower)....and others like me just wave their big old crazy flag out for the whole world to see. I'm not ashamed. I've said it before and I'll say it again.....I wouldn't change what's happened in my life for all the money in the world. Having my mental illness has made me stronger, bolder....and FEARLESS. Which leads me to my blog.
This morning I ran into a person who is a friend of a friend. And while I was trying to casually move them along so I could get on with my day....they said something that shocked me......the person said that they knew I would be successful because in the past several years I have become "fearless". Fearless... me?? I obsessed over worms eating my brain for an hour after reading it online this morning. I've had the nervous tinkles for the past 24 hours.....that's southern lady talk for...."I'm peeing constantly"..and I'm not ashamed to say I googled the symptoms of kidney failure. So yeah, fearless isn't a word I'd use.
But then I started thinking....rationally, that is. A "normal' person with anxiety would NEVER take a job as a police dispatcher. They would be a nervous wreck....pun intended. But I took it to prove that I can do it. This crazy girl can do anything you can do-- but better. So maybe I am fearless.....I've never let a challenge stop me (once I decided to stop wallowing in pity and instead chose to embrace the uniqueness that is me). So I guess ol' what's her name at the gas station was/is right....I am fearless. Sweet-soft-spoken-southern girl-girly girl me. Fearlessness comes in all shapes, sizes, colors and texture...even Glitter. My most favorite accessory!! Fear can protect us and it can paralyze us. Courage can give us the push to take risks, and the guts to get up when we fail. Being fearless is having the strength to stand strong whenever faced with adversity with no concern for what others think. Fearlessness: the more you exercise it, the easier it becomes. I'm learning to manage my fear by stepping out of my comfort zones....crossing lines off my bucket list....and doing things I've only dreamed of before. And it all happened when I stopped worrying about "what if" (every now and then I backslide...like the kidney failure incident this morning) and decide to go with "what the hell" instead.
So this is my tribute to mental health awareness week.....face your fears. They might make you a better person....definitely a stronger one...always a memorable one.
Friday, August 16, 2013
Tuesday, June 11, 2013
A Beautiful Mess
The time has come to wean myself off my depression medication.....I would like to say it's because I've conquered depression (and maybe I have to a certain extent) but mainly it's financial and health reasons. When almost my entire paycheck went to the mail order pharmacy to pay for 90 days of medication I knew things had to change.....and then I realized that my depression meds were raising my blood pressure which led to more medicine.... definitely time for a change.
And so it began......I was at 120mg a day.....dropped down to 90mg....felt nothing. Actually I felt better than I did when I was taking the higher dose. And this is completely under my doctors supervision--no one panic (besides I do enough of that myself). I was on 90mg for 45 days and I dropped down to 60mg on Sunday......and the side effects have begun. I've done ok so far....the bone crushing headache is manageable....I briefly went onto the drug's website to look at the symptoms of withdrawal...confirmation.....no WebMD...no consulting every pharmacy in town. I did check my blood pressure...high. I'm having brain zaps....feels kind of like a jolt of electricity. And I'm okay with it. I'm not planning my funeral....worrying obsessively. I'm doing good. Because this is a step in the right direction....I've been through hell at the beginning of my diagnosis so I know that no matter what I go through now...it's nothing compared to what it was then. I've had bad allergies for the past week and I didn't even stress about it.
This year I've made a conscious effort to remove all negativity from my life....this has included people I thought were my good friends. But they weren't. They were holding me back, allowing me to wallow in my own negativity....bringing me down with their problems. They say you have friends for a season and friends for a reason.......well, those friends were here for a season. I'm keeping the friends I have for a reason. The friends that are there for me at my beautiful messy worst and at my laughing beautiful best. I'm torn right now with a friend that I've had for 13 years.....a friend that has always been there for me....in fact, they were once considered my "safe" friend.....for all of you stable people....a "safe" friend is someone that you can call night or day in the middle of a panic or anxiety attack and they'll always be there for you. This friend actually encouraged me to seek help for my disorder but now it appears our friendship has ended....but maybe that season is over. Whatever will happen...will happen. But for now I'm marking another milestone on my anxiety/panic journey......losing the meds.
I was kicked out of a support group for anxiety earlier this year....I was too positive...I choose to see my anxiety as a blessing. It's made me strong and brave. I don't sit back wallowing in pity (much)...I'm following my dreams and looking for new goals. And I'm dragging my crazy with me....proudly!!!
Thanks for being a part of my mess.
And so it began......I was at 120mg a day.....dropped down to 90mg....felt nothing. Actually I felt better than I did when I was taking the higher dose. And this is completely under my doctors supervision--no one panic (besides I do enough of that myself). I was on 90mg for 45 days and I dropped down to 60mg on Sunday......and the side effects have begun. I've done ok so far....the bone crushing headache is manageable....I briefly went onto the drug's website to look at the symptoms of withdrawal...confirmation.....no WebMD...no consulting every pharmacy in town. I did check my blood pressure...high. I'm having brain zaps....feels kind of like a jolt of electricity. And I'm okay with it. I'm not planning my funeral....worrying obsessively. I'm doing good. Because this is a step in the right direction....I've been through hell at the beginning of my diagnosis so I know that no matter what I go through now...it's nothing compared to what it was then. I've had bad allergies for the past week and I didn't even stress about it.
This year I've made a conscious effort to remove all negativity from my life....this has included people I thought were my good friends. But they weren't. They were holding me back, allowing me to wallow in my own negativity....bringing me down with their problems. They say you have friends for a season and friends for a reason.......well, those friends were here for a season. I'm keeping the friends I have for a reason. The friends that are there for me at my beautiful messy worst and at my laughing beautiful best. I'm torn right now with a friend that I've had for 13 years.....a friend that has always been there for me....in fact, they were once considered my "safe" friend.....for all of you stable people....a "safe" friend is someone that you can call night or day in the middle of a panic or anxiety attack and they'll always be there for you. This friend actually encouraged me to seek help for my disorder but now it appears our friendship has ended....but maybe that season is over. Whatever will happen...will happen. But for now I'm marking another milestone on my anxiety/panic journey......losing the meds.
I was kicked out of a support group for anxiety earlier this year....I was too positive...I choose to see my anxiety as a blessing. It's made me strong and brave. I don't sit back wallowing in pity (much)...I'm following my dreams and looking for new goals. And I'm dragging my crazy with me....proudly!!!
Thanks for being a part of my mess.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Today I was brave.....for a little bit
and now i'm not brave......i'm scared of cough medicine.
i'm tired of coughing continuously. i'm on webmd.....my banned website. most people are banned from porn. not me...it's webmd. so far i have whooping cough, pneumonia, bronchitis and maybe a touch of tuberculosis. i've called my college roommate/pharmacist for advice....she says delsyium. i've called my primary care pharmacist here in black mountain....she says delsyium and to let it run it's course. if i let it run it's course i may be institutionalized.
as i was leaving work today...my coworker said and i quote..."you are really handling this whole sickness thing really well....i figured by now you'd be making up crazy diseases and stuff....you are making progress"....i laughed and told her i had it under control. i totally don't.
i was without insurance for over a year....i was healthy as a horse....a crazy horse...but healthy. now i have the crappiest insurance available and i'm on my deathbed. the irony. the misery.
even the dog won't get near me.
i've analyzed my mucus production....i should seek medical care if it's green.....it's not green. i'm coughing up nothing...just a dry hacking cough. a cough that will probably set up as pneumonia as my mamaw told me earlier. i've taken the usual home remedies....tea, honey, lemon, moonshine, hot toddy...vaporizer...cough drops with a pep talk...i just want to be better. i don't DO sick well.
so today i was brave for a little bit....i had big plans for the future. wishes, dreams and laughter but now it's me and the delsyium that i'm afraid to take.
i guess brave for a little bit is better than not being brave at all.
i'm tired of coughing continuously. i'm on webmd.....my banned website. most people are banned from porn. not me...it's webmd. so far i have whooping cough, pneumonia, bronchitis and maybe a touch of tuberculosis. i've called my college roommate/pharmacist for advice....she says delsyium. i've called my primary care pharmacist here in black mountain....she says delsyium and to let it run it's course. if i let it run it's course i may be institutionalized.
as i was leaving work today...my coworker said and i quote..."you are really handling this whole sickness thing really well....i figured by now you'd be making up crazy diseases and stuff....you are making progress"....i laughed and told her i had it under control. i totally don't.
i was without insurance for over a year....i was healthy as a horse....a crazy horse...but healthy. now i have the crappiest insurance available and i'm on my deathbed. the irony. the misery.
even the dog won't get near me.
i've analyzed my mucus production....i should seek medical care if it's green.....it's not green. i'm coughing up nothing...just a dry hacking cough. a cough that will probably set up as pneumonia as my mamaw told me earlier. i've taken the usual home remedies....tea, honey, lemon, moonshine, hot toddy...vaporizer...cough drops with a pep talk...i just want to be better. i don't DO sick well.
so today i was brave for a little bit....i had big plans for the future. wishes, dreams and laughter but now it's me and the delsyium that i'm afraid to take.
i guess brave for a little bit is better than not being brave at all.
Sunday, February 17, 2013
This is not a cry for help.....informational purposes only.
One more time....this is not a cry for help. I just happened to be reading up on Final Expense plans for work (should you need one call me) and it occurred to me what a mockery of a funeral my family would throw if I leave things up to them. So....should I pass before my parents....someone drag this out and take it to them. Mary Ellen Conner...you are in charge....if my wishes are not to the penny I will hunt your butt down and haunt you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
1. No FAKE flowers. No flowers shaped like HORSESHOES. No flowers shaped like phones. No flowers shaped like anything other than a tasteful real bouquet. I repeat NO FAKE FLOWERS. Toss any fake flowers sent to me out the back door.
2. While my family should be suitably heartbroken and sobbing appropriately....do not let my mother make my funeral "her day"....this should be all about me. Someone take her and get her hair fixed...please.
3. I don't want them picking out the first "church soloist" they can find....I also don't want taped music. Bluegrass. That's what I want played. After all this is a celebration. I repeat....no bad music.
4. I want my nails painted bright red with glitter....toes and fingers....call Barbara (she'll know what to do)....I want to be covered in rhinestones and wearing patent leather shoes. DO NOT let my mother pick out my clothing.
5. If I haven't met the man of my dreams by then.....please find a man and discretely pay him to throw himself at my gunmetal silver coffin and declare his undying love for me.....doesn't have to be to overdone....but a little effort would help.
6. Do not let them put a picture of me from when I was 20 in the paper....picture must be recent and not be a glamour shot.
I realize that this may seem a little abnormal....but when have I ever been normal. Oh....and Mary Ellen....see Kristy....she knows who is on the "not invited" guest list.
Ok....back to life insurance....and Final Expense plans.....have I mentioned that I work at State Farm and really REALLY REALLY need to sell some life insurance....somebody....anybody....
Well......until my funeral.....which will be years down the road....it's back to studying I go.
1. No FAKE flowers. No flowers shaped like HORSESHOES. No flowers shaped like phones. No flowers shaped like anything other than a tasteful real bouquet. I repeat NO FAKE FLOWERS. Toss any fake flowers sent to me out the back door.
2. While my family should be suitably heartbroken and sobbing appropriately....do not let my mother make my funeral "her day"....this should be all about me. Someone take her and get her hair fixed...please.
3. I don't want them picking out the first "church soloist" they can find....I also don't want taped music. Bluegrass. That's what I want played. After all this is a celebration. I repeat....no bad music.
4. I want my nails painted bright red with glitter....toes and fingers....call Barbara (she'll know what to do)....I want to be covered in rhinestones and wearing patent leather shoes. DO NOT let my mother pick out my clothing.
5. If I haven't met the man of my dreams by then.....please find a man and discretely pay him to throw himself at my gunmetal silver coffin and declare his undying love for me.....doesn't have to be to overdone....but a little effort would help.
6. Do not let them put a picture of me from when I was 20 in the paper....picture must be recent and not be a glamour shot.
I realize that this may seem a little abnormal....but when have I ever been normal. Oh....and Mary Ellen....see Kristy....she knows who is on the "not invited" guest list.
Ok....back to life insurance....and Final Expense plans.....have I mentioned that I work at State Farm and really REALLY REALLY need to sell some life insurance....somebody....anybody....
Well......until my funeral.....which will be years down the road....it's back to studying I go.
Sunday, January 20, 2013
The Way It Is.....
i don't always have my sanity...ok, so maybe that's a little strong. but really it's true.
i'm learning that maybe there are times that it's okay to not have it. depression and anxiety are different for everyone, sometimes medication helps and sometimes it's just changing your lifestyle a bit. i do a combination of things.....medication, read, cry and write on FB, my blog and my "Diary of Crap that really makes no sense" but it is where i can write and not have to worry that anyone will understand it. i think in our route to finding out how to deal with this amazing emotion/sadness/anxiety that you feel you can't control at times that you just be honest about whatever it is, too many people are scared on top of these feelings. accept yourself for who you are.....fall down, get hurt, learn from mistakes, be at ropes end, punch a pillow, cry until snot comes out, hyperventilate, get angry, hurt someone you love intentionally, open a door the wrong way, accidentally pee down your leg.......do whatever it is you need to do to get it all out.
today was a cry until snot comes out kinda day......feel much better. tomorrow is another day.
i'm learning that maybe there are times that it's okay to not have it. depression and anxiety are different for everyone, sometimes medication helps and sometimes it's just changing your lifestyle a bit. i do a combination of things.....medication, read, cry and write on FB, my blog and my "Diary of Crap that really makes no sense" but it is where i can write and not have to worry that anyone will understand it. i think in our route to finding out how to deal with this amazing emotion/sadness/anxiety that you feel you can't control at times that you just be honest about whatever it is, too many people are scared on top of these feelings. accept yourself for who you are.....fall down, get hurt, learn from mistakes, be at ropes end, punch a pillow, cry until snot comes out, hyperventilate, get angry, hurt someone you love intentionally, open a door the wrong way, accidentally pee down your leg.......do whatever it is you need to do to get it all out.
today was a cry until snot comes out kinda day......feel much better. tomorrow is another day.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
I've come so far.....
Tonight I went back and reread all my blog entries. Wow!! I can't believe how far I've come. The downtimes have been replaced by many more uptimes. The struggles have been replaced by blessings. The defeat has been replaced by victory.
It's all attitude. I have anxiety and panic BUT it sure as hell doesn't have me!!!
Sometimes I have a pity party....and sometimes I dance outside in the dark.....
This is me.....MurphyGirl. Accepting. ME. Who I am. How I was made. 100%. No turning back.
I wouldn't change me if I could.
It's all attitude. I have anxiety and panic BUT it sure as hell doesn't have me!!!
Sometimes I have a pity party....and sometimes I dance outside in the dark.....
This is me.....MurphyGirl. Accepting. ME. Who I am. How I was made. 100%. No turning back.
I wouldn't change me if I could.
Sunday, December 30, 2012
WalMart Victory!!!
A minor victory.........
Today I went to WalMart.......and here is the victory. No panic attack, no meltdown, no WalMart "emergency kit" (bottled water, pills, emergency pills, gum)...nothing.
My victories are small....but the finish line is near.
Today I went to WalMart.......and here is the victory. No panic attack, no meltdown, no WalMart "emergency kit" (bottled water, pills, emergency pills, gum)...nothing.
My victories are small....but the finish line is near.
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